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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did I say the wrong thing?

166 replies

itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:04

I work for a large organisation and so does a close friend of mine but she works for another department. We have been friends since we were children so this isn’t a work friendship.

Anyway my friend finished up on maternity leave a few weeks ago and had an elective c section last Wednesday.

She’d told us all weeks and weeks ago what date it was and I’d texted her on Wednesday morning to wish her luck.

On the Wednesday morning on the way into work I bumped into my friend’s boss who I know and we were chatting and my friend came up in the conversation. Her boss knows we’re friends and she’s a lovely woman. When she asked about her I said “oh she’s having her section today.”

Her boss must have texted her to wish her luck and today I got a rather sharp message from her stating that I should never have mentioned her section date to her boss and it was none of her business and I should have known to keep it quiet.

I’ve had two elective sections and it wasn’t a secret about the date Confused but Obviously if she’d told me to keep the date a secret I would have.

My DH thinks she is being unreasonable and quite nasty about it.

I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

She responded to say I should just have known Confused

Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous or was I being unseasonable to not know that I was to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 30/07/2019 07:49

Well you have to tell work your due date for your maternity leave and in my organisation my manager signs that form so surely they would have known already?

No: the MATB1 gives the expected week of delivery but not the precise due date. Besides, ELCS rarely take place on due dates. They are usually scheduled for week 39.

summersherewishiwasnt · 30/07/2019 07:55

Maybe she wanted to announce the birth herself,
I knew someone who told us she had a date and a name but would not tell anyone because she wanted to announce it. The WhatsApp group chat seems to confuse things a little though. She’s going through an emotional time. I personally would smile and nod.

NuttyOrNice · 30/07/2019 09:30

YANBU

YouDoYou18 · 30/07/2019 09:34

You made a mistake in telling someone, but she’s being very unreasonable to just expect you to know it was a secret. There could be many reasons why she didn’t want to tell more people but she really should have made that clear. However if she is about to have a c section maybe her emotions are running rather high and she’s taking it differently than she normally would. Apologise again, ‘I’m honestly so sorry, it didn’t even cross my mind that you didn’t want people to know but you’re totally right, I shouldn’t have said anything’ and then just move on and celebrate the new baby! I honestly think she’ll get over it when she’s not just been cut open!

Pricedrop · 30/07/2019 09:37

Do you not think your friend is just a bit stressed about her impending C-section??

In your situation, I would just apologise and wait for it to blow over. Which it will, with arrival of new baby. No-one has to be right or wrong, surely?

fedup21 · 30/07/2019 09:40

How bizarre-it wouldn’t have occurred to me not to say anything! I would have presumed the boss already knew, tbh.

I can’t see what you’ve done wrong!

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2019 09:55

The friend had her baby last Wednesday. It appears this exchange of messages happened on the very day she was booked in for her section, so was likely to be rather preoccupied, probably stressed.

OP has already 'stated her case' I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

OP asks us the following Monday - five days after the birth, the very day that midwives advise new mothers to be aware that hormones crash and the 'baby blues' kick in - 'Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous.'

Why would you even think of doing that to her? To any new mother? Far less one you describe as a 'friend'?

You (and your goady DH) do not come across well here - entirely by your own account.

TheRedBarrows · 30/07/2019 10:29

“OP asks us the following Monday - five days after the birth, the very day that midwives advise new mothers to be aware that hormones crash and the 'baby blues' kick in - 'Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous.'

Why would you even think of doing that to her? To any new mother? Far less one you describe as a 'friend'?

You (and your goady DH) do not come across well here - entirely by your own account.”

This.

PandaToTheMasses · 30/07/2019 10:57

OP I think you are more focused on being right than on being a good supportive friend.

Pinkout · 30/07/2019 11:07

YANBU, I’d put it down to postpartum hormones.

strivingtosucceed · 30/07/2019 11:40

Struggling to understand why you would give details of an operation to someone else's boss? It's not your place to give that kind of information to anyone especially as this boss isn't your friend. What if something happens during the section and all her colleagues are sending good luck messages?

cstaff · 30/07/2019 12:06

It was hardly a secret to start with - if she was pregnant and due any minute I think it might have been obvious to anyone who saw her. Telling her boss and friend her due date is no biggy and is not breaking any confidentialilty. Your friend is being completely unreasonable - just put it down to hormones.

ddl1 · 30/07/2019 12:12

She should have asked you not to talk about it, or specifically not to talk about it at work/ to her boss. If she had indicated that this was a private matter, then she would not be unreasonable to complain at your talking about it. But how were you to know that it's OK for people to know that she's having a CS, but not when she had it? Could she perhaps be thinking that you told her boss in advance when it was going to be? That would be perhaps more of a breach of privacy than telling them afterwards. In any case, you can't be blamed for not being a mind-reader.

ddl1 · 30/07/2019 12:16

Oh, I see that you told him on the day. I can see that she might prefer not telling him till afterwards, in case something went wrong. But she should have made her wishes clearer. I'm a very private person, who doesn't like other people chit-chatting about my personal life; but even so, I would not expect people to read my mind about what I want people to tell or not tell.

SuzieBishop · 30/07/2019 12:19

I think YABU - having a baby by planned section is no different than going into the hospital in labour so essentially you told people when she’d had the baby before she could. I recently had a planned section and we only told our parents and siblings as we didn’t want everyone and their auntie finding out we’d had her. As it’s our news to tell.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2019 12:24

I can’t believe anyone would think it’s ok to do this

It wasn’t your news to share

titchy · 30/07/2019 12:35

But the boss would have known roughly when her due date was anyway - it's not as if it's some secret medical information that's been divulged!

Ineedtoknowit · 30/07/2019 12:38

This is so divided that it seems to be split down the middle op! For one, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and she should have said it was a secret.
For me it’s something that comes up in chat, “how’s Sophie doing?” “Oh it’s her due date today, how exciting!” Or “oh she’s having the section today, how exciting!” It’s just conversation to me but Obvs some people think differently.

LazyLizzy · 30/07/2019 12:39

YANBU why on earth wouldn't her boss know she was due to have a baby any day? Surely it's something that has come up in general conversation.

it's not as if it's some secret medical information that's been divulged!

Exactly. The responses on here are crackers.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2019 12:41

I’d feel very much the same if people knew I had gone in to labour. If something goes wrong I don’t want to have a load of texts wishing me luck and asking me how it’s gone etc. It’s the same - the friend probably just wanted very close people to know then she could tell everyone the news when everything is fine and the good news the baby has arrived.

It has come across as gossip this way

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/07/2019 12:41

It probably wasn’t a great idea to share the section date, but your friend has overreacted. She has just had a baby and is probably feeling a bit vulnerable and emotional, and if you didn’t feel that way five days after having your children then you are not only very lucky but also very unusual.

The kind thing would be to apologise and let it go, but it sounds like you are so incensed by her reaction that you are more interested in being right. MN isn’t weird: your friend is being a bit unreasonable but so are you. It is in your gift to rise above this.

Yeahnahmum · 30/07/2019 12:42

She is massively unreasonable and out of her mind . If it was such a big secret she shouldnt have told anyone. Or she could have told you the duedate but to make sure you all keep it a secret

Yanbu

Paddy1234 · 30/07/2019 12:44

YANBU

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/07/2019 13:21

I think YABU.

It doesn't matter if you think her and her boss are friendly and it doesn't matter if you would have told everyone. This is her news and she has every right to tell her boss when and how she chooses.
I am not sure why you feel you have the right to tell other peoples personal information to others, but the fact that you think you did nothing wrong would convince me that you are not to be trusted with any personal information.

Derbee · 30/07/2019 14:31

It’s as indiscreet as your friend WhatsApping a group to say she’s had her baby, and you writing to congratulate her on Facebook.

It’s just not your news to share, no matter how many people you think know. Can’t understand how opinion is so divided 😳

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