Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did I say the wrong thing?

166 replies

itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:04

I work for a large organisation and so does a close friend of mine but she works for another department. We have been friends since we were children so this isn’t a work friendship.

Anyway my friend finished up on maternity leave a few weeks ago and had an elective c section last Wednesday.

She’d told us all weeks and weeks ago what date it was and I’d texted her on Wednesday morning to wish her luck.

On the Wednesday morning on the way into work I bumped into my friend’s boss who I know and we were chatting and my friend came up in the conversation. Her boss knows we’re friends and she’s a lovely woman. When she asked about her I said “oh she’s having her section today.”

Her boss must have texted her to wish her luck and today I got a rather sharp message from her stating that I should never have mentioned her section date to her boss and it was none of her business and I should have known to keep it quiet.

I’ve had two elective sections and it wasn’t a secret about the date Confused but Obviously if she’d told me to keep the date a secret I would have.

My DH thinks she is being unreasonable and quite nasty about it.

I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

She responded to say I should just have known Confused

Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous or was I being unseasonable to not know that I was to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 20:09

You pre-empted her birth announcement to colleagues.

Did her boss know, or need to know, the method of birth?

That she would need to let work know the date of birth - afterwards - is irrelevant.

Butterymuffin · 29/07/2019 20:13

It's hardly 'personal information' if the person has seemed happy to share it with groups up till now. I think she's being precious, but as a pp said there's nothing to be gained from arguing the toss with a new mum. I probably wouldn't be dashing round with a gift quite so swiftly as planned, though.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 20:18

Well, I've learned something here.

Any information about myself that I share with close friends becomes fair game for them to share with all and sundry, if my mode of discussion with my friends has been 'group chats'. Interesting.

Original poster
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 20:20

Okay well I’ve learned that telling all and sundry your method of birth and due date doesn’t include certain people and I’m meant to guess who that might be Hmm

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/07/2019 20:21

Yes it is medical information. But its medical information that is a. Commonly shared, and b. Was shared in a group chat without any mention of keeping it private. People I know who havent wanted to go into detail have said something like the section was booked for the middle of March or the end of July which I would then assume they didn't want shared. So on balance I don't think you were being unreasonable especially as you knew she gets on great with her boss (I think if you knew they weren't close it may be different). So actually I think she is being unreasonable for having a go at you after you explained. However I would just reply something short such as ok, noted, and I apologise. And then move on, because lots of people act irrationally when they are a new parent

Spam88 · 29/07/2019 20:21

Wouldn't have occurred to me that I shouldn't mention it 🤷‍♀️ so YANBU in that respect, but I would have just apologised and not added the not knowing it was a secret to the text. And quite what you think you're going to achieve by telling a new mum she's being unreasonable I don't know - although if you time it right you could send it right at the peak of the baby blues for maximum effect Hmm

Original poster
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 20:22

I also messaged my other friend to say my faux pas and she can’t understand it as they were out for a coffee the week before last and she was telling the waitress she was going in for for a section and the date.

And yeah @Butterymuffin I won’t be rushing round.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 20:22

No, you have no need to guess, nor any need to tell anyone she hasn't chosen to tell herself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2019 20:24

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. She is probably hormonal. Just let it go. You’ve apologised. Either send nothing else back or something along the lines of : “As I said I am sorry I communicated the date of your section to your boss. I had no issue sharing my section date with my manager and consequently was not of the opinion this was confidential information.”

GiggleMcDimples · 29/07/2019 20:25

I think that she is being unreasonable expecting you to just know it was a secret without being told.

I also think you were being a bit unreasonable in telling her boss the date as it's her boss, regardless of how well she gets on with her.

Also she has just had a baby and is incredibly hormonal and I think you should just suck it up for the sake of your friendship and apologise and admit that she was right and that you shouldn't have said anything. Under most other circumstances I would probably suggest standing your ground, but not when she's just had her baby, is hormonal and sleep deprived. She's a very good friend of yours and you need to ask yourself if it's worth losing her over.

icelollycraving · 29/07/2019 20:26

Yabu to tell someone that, particularly her manager.
Perhaps she didn’t want all and sundry to know her birth plan.
Yanbu to feel you should have been telepathic. Give her a break. She’s probably had a load of messages asking any news yet? The one referencing her c section tipped her over the edge. Don’t think too much more about it.

NoSquirrels · 29/07/2019 20:27

Odd. It’s not as if her boss didn’t know she was having a baby!

It won’t give her any more advantage: once she’s on maternity leave the 52 weeks are counting down whether your baby is born that day or 4 weeks later.

And it wasn’t a secret she was keeping from everyone - if she didn’t want to ‘admit’ to an elective section, for instance.

It can only be that she’s miffed she didn’t get to announce the ‘surprise!’ when she chose a d possibly boss/you stole her thunder.

But she’s post-partum and flooded with hormones - I’d let it go and just say sorry.

Julykthat · 29/07/2019 20:29

YANBU.

Crazy notion that you couldn't say to a mutual acquaintance that she is having her baby today. That is perfectly normal news to share. She isa precious princess imo. And not the first woman to have a baby however amazing she thinks that is.

overnightangel · 29/07/2019 20:29

YANBU
I’m presuming her boss has noticed she’s not in work as she’s having a baby so it’s hardly a state secret!

I thought she was maybe not being entirely truthful about the date with her boss too so as to get more time off.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP

IdblowJonSnow · 29/07/2019 20:30

I think yanbu to have assumed her boss would either know or think it was ok to tell her BUT some people are really private and your mate is hormonal most likely. On this occasion I'd let it go but be quietly pissed off!
If she has form for this type of drama well then life's a bit too short...

Original poster
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 20:34

I’ve never known so much drama over having a baby.

She’s told folk she doesn’t know when her section is and she’s told loads of folk she does know.

Wide berth needed to be honest. I’ve had three kids myself with no drama and no secrecy. To be honest I think I just can’t be arsed with it.

OP posts:
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 29/07/2019 20:41

It wouldn't occur to me to have to say to a friend "please don't share this with my boss". I wouldn't tell a someone's boss anything about them anyway to be fair.

I wouldn't call it "secrecy", it's just different when it's your boss. And just because you've had 3 kids doesn't mean she has to feel the same as you about it.

TapasForTwo · 29/07/2019 20:42

"She’s told folk she doesn’t know when her section is and she’s told loads of folk she does know."

That's weird.
Why would she do that?

Ineedtoknowit · 29/07/2019 20:45

Yanbu

lljkk · 29/07/2019 20:46

yanbu
Since when is telling a group on WhatsApp a way to keep a secret.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 20:46

There's a world of difference between telling someone you don't know and will probably never see again, like a waitress, and telling your boss. Likewise friends / boss. That's not hard to understand at all.

It sounds like she's a more private person than you are, you've been a bit thoughtless, gossiped at work and she's upset. All perfectly understandable.

If you were looking for an excuse to distance yourself, or prefer only to spend time with people who share exactly your boundaries and outlook, you have it.

You come across as someone who cannot bear to be told they are wrong, or that there might be different ways of looking at things - which makes posting this question an odd decision.

Schuyler · 29/07/2019 20:48

I see where you are coming from but she may have reasons why she didn’t want the boss - in particular- to know.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/07/2019 20:49

Employers know due dates though don't they, for maternity reasons. If she's been going round telling people the date willy nilly with the only exception being her boss, then I'm guessing she's told HR a different due date for some reason.

Skittlesandbeer · 29/07/2019 20:50

If it weren’t an elective c section, would you have been comfortable telling her boss (actually anyone, but particularly colleagues) that she was due to have a vaginal birth any day now?

I wouldn’t want that kind of conversation happening either. Feels gossipy and too personal. Medical info is off limits, I reckon, but especially when it relates to very private body parts. It’s her body, and her choice to share or not at work.YABU for mine.

Windthebobbinalready · 29/07/2019 20:51

YANBU. She’s being a knobber.

Is she always this dramatic?

You weren’t to know and didn’t do anything wrong but this is AIBU so people will argue with you for the sake of it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread