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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

did I say the wrong thing?

166 replies

itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:04

I work for a large organisation and so does a close friend of mine but she works for another department. We have been friends since we were children so this isn’t a work friendship.

Anyway my friend finished up on maternity leave a few weeks ago and had an elective c section last Wednesday.

She’d told us all weeks and weeks ago what date it was and I’d texted her on Wednesday morning to wish her luck.

On the Wednesday morning on the way into work I bumped into my friend’s boss who I know and we were chatting and my friend came up in the conversation. Her boss knows we’re friends and she’s a lovely woman. When she asked about her I said “oh she’s having her section today.”

Her boss must have texted her to wish her luck and today I got a rather sharp message from her stating that I should never have mentioned her section date to her boss and it was none of her business and I should have known to keep it quiet.

I’ve had two elective sections and it wasn’t a secret about the date Confused but Obviously if she’d told me to keep the date a secret I would have.

My DH thinks she is being unreasonable and quite nasty about it.

I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

She responded to say I should just have known Confused

Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous or was I being unseasonable to not know that I was to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
Graphista · 31/07/2019 14:42

"How is it gossip? Gossiping is malicious and spreading rumours and unconfirmed facts."

Ahem:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/gossip

Note the "unkind" - gossipy people aren't necessarily deliberately malicious, but thoughtlessly & selfishly speak out of turn because they're more concerned with making themselves appear a certain way (more informed than the person they're gossiping to, "closer" to the person they're gossiping about etc).

Your response to her reaction op is VERY telling.

Most people, even if they disagreed with your friend, would have let it go, certainly by this point and certainly wouldn't try to argue the point as vehemently as you are, albeit on an anon forum.

Your friend is dealing with a difficult end to her pregnancy, one which nobody would feel is ideal and could well indicate a potentially distressing outcome, plus the usual feelings of vulnerability and hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation etc - yet you are FAR more concerned with whether you are "in the right" and if SHE has acted as a decent friend to YOU!

Seriously? That's what you think is important right now? As they say, with friends like you...

"FWIW the sister of one of the girls in our WhatsApp group messaged said friend and wished her luck for her section and they’re being pilloried for passing on their best wishes." Why does this surprise you? Why would the SISTER of a friend necessarily A be told in the first place B feel it at all appropriate to comment directly?

This poor woman who has just had a baby via a MAJOR operation, which was likely necessary due to MEDICALLY concerns that a vaginal delivery was too risky for either mother, baby or both and is being subjected to gossipy crap and expected to worry about the hurt feelings of people who AREN'T the ones who've just been through that and aren't even family! Honest to god you should all just bloody leave her alone!

In extreme bad taste for you to think causing her further distress at this time is amusing!

You may have had 3 yourself, that DOESN'T mean you know how she feels or what worries she's had to deal with.

"You can never be wrong, can you OP. There's always so-and-so's friend's sister's experience available to back you up, isn't there." Yep definitely "that type" aren't they?

"Please explain how OP can possibly be viewed as a 'friend' to this woman." I'd be interested to know that too. Friends are supportive and kind when you're going through a difficult stressful time, not critical of how you feel and how you respond to that stress.

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 31/07/2019 14:52

A new mother's mental health can be very fragile in the weeks after birth so if this is genuinely out of character then your priority needs to be her welfare, not huffing indignantly at her rudeness. One of the first outwardly evident symptoms of my friend's postpartum psychosis was a series of bizarre, rambling, and eventually abusive messages that she sent to friends in the middle of the night.

itstimeforslime · 31/07/2019 15:09

I’ve been nothing but supportive to her during her pregnancy but this is mumsnet and now I’m some sort of terrible gossipy friend who cares not a jot about her. I’ve said I wouldn’t contact her. And to be honest I won’t be doing much more for her nor will the other people who have tried to be kind and interested. Again this will mean I’m a terrible person who is awful to the core.

Cheers folks. I can see why mumsnet gets a terrible name now

Hmm
OP posts:
Cohle · 31/07/2019 15:16

Why post on AIBU if you can't bear being told by some posters that you are? Confused

chocolatemademefat · 31/07/2019 15:22

When I was a lot younger and first married my MIL phoned me at work to tell me my SIL was pregnant. She went on to say that everyone else in the family had known for six weeks but they hadn’t told me because they didn’t know me well enough to be sure I wouldn’t tell anyone. WTAF! I hardly knew anyone in the place I’d moved to and who did they think would care? Some people like to be mysterious and that’s their prerogative but babies are born every day and no one is gobsmacked at the news. Forget it and move on. And stop apologising.

itstimeforslime · 31/07/2019 16:18

@Cohle it’s the hyperbolising and going to extremes that I just can’t be bothered with. Yeah maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned it to a friend but suddenly I’m some awful gossipy friend who is terrible to the core. Can people not see that his is plainly ridiculous?

Never mind the 30 years of friendship and support during her pregnancy with various things.

It just seems like AIBU turns you into a villain for an minor indiscretion (if that even was an indiscretion since I am not a mind reader Hmm)

I do wonder how some posters function in real life when they jump to such extreme conclusions.

But it has made me laugh if nothing else Grin

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 31/07/2019 16:19

i can see why mumsnet gets a bad name

Why did you post on here if you didn’t want replies?

You obviously don’t like this so called friend very much so why even both to have posted in the first place

Cohle · 31/07/2019 16:30

I think it's your response to inadvertently offending a friend that has people questioning your behaviour more than anything.

But AIBU probably isn't the best place to post if you're not a fan of self reflection.

Graphista · 31/07/2019 16:37

"Why post on AIBU if you can't bear being told by some posters that you are?"

Happens ALL the time.

Not this thread admittedly - as roughly 50/50 split - but quite often it goes

Op: Aibu

Virtually all respondents: yes yabu

Op: no I'm not! And you're all vicious vipers

Mnhq: we'll be taking thread down soon as op concerned it's "too identifying"

All

The

Time!

Graphista · 31/07/2019 16:40

I think it's your response to inadvertently offending a friend that has people questioning your behaviour more than anything.

Yep!

Most people at least feel a little guilty if they've caused hurt to someone they care about, op seems to just want to be told she was right to be pissed off at being called out on unreasonable behaviour.

That the response has been roughly 50/50 shows me that there is at least room for doubt as to the reasonableness of the op's actions - and "when in doubt cut it out"

If an action is potentially unreasonable don't do it.

itstimeforslime · 31/07/2019 17:26

Don’t worry, I won’t ask for it to be take down 😂

IRL I think an innocent conversation where someone passed on information that was in the public domain and people have given their well wishes only to be shot down would raise eyebrows.

It certainly has within my social circle and wider 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 31/07/2019 17:35

Seriously OP, if this is extremely out of character then please raise a flag with her partner or similar. If she’s always had diva tendencies then shrug and move on.

ShirleyPhallus · 31/07/2019 17:37

an innocent conversation where someone passed on information that was in the public domain

IT WAS NOT IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN!! She had told a close group of friends and you put it in to the public domain!

MrMeSeeks · 31/07/2019 17:52

I don’t think yabu in the slightest and i would be really annoyed if i’d apologised for hurting her and got that text in return Hmm
There is nothing you can do.
Either she is having problems ( new mom so possibility so i would be worried if this is new for her) or this is simply her.
I’m not surprised you’re hurt after doing so much for her.
I would leave her to contact you.

everythingthelighttouches · 31/07/2019 18:17

I think she wants to keep her private life and work life separate . You cross the two and haven't realised the significance.

GirlsBlouse17 · 31/07/2019 18:32

I don't think YABU OP as it sounds like you genuinely just assumed her boss would know about the C section when the boss asked how she was. It would have helped if your friend had said before not to mention it as she must have realised you would occasionally bump into her boss. Her boss would know about the pregnancy and birth anyway as would be dealing with her maternity leave. I think she is overreacting

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