Redgirl68. Oh How I Feel For You!
I have trouble with the constant "perfect family" thing that seems to be thrown at us - adverts (well, what do you expect?) Christmas (sorry, swearing at this time of year) and Summer Holidays to name but a few.... All suggesting that families meet up and get along fine.
Obviously there are many people with siblings who do get on. But there are many who don't and many more who do not have the same family outlook when it comes to raising children!!.
Just because they are family it doesn't mean you have to get on with them!
I could not last more than a half day with my half sister and her children. They were utterly dangerous, out of control brats before they started school and by the time they were teenagers I was amazed they hadn't been locked up. Quite simply this was because they were set no boundaries, taught no manners in any situation, were allowed to have their own way, not say please or thank you etc. In other words, their parents didn't bother to bring them up.
I feel for your DH. I would not worry about your sister, she chose her husband and his way of life and presumably she is happy that her children get little or no discipline and just shout and do as they please. Be glad that your DH wants better for your children. Just stick by him.
I can easily understand that your other house-guests get on with you. They are civilised! They are your friends! They are people you choose to spend time with. They have standards and think of others and what is best for the children. They are like you.
I would just never invite your sister and family again. As for people like the first poster who think you are uptight - well, I dread to think what their children are like! You sound perfectly reasonable to me. For example; I would happily let my children come to your house but I would never want them to stay at your sister's. With you they would be safe and properly looked after and not be exposed to bad language or selfish ways. At your sister's their needs and what is best for them would not be a consideration and I would be worried that they might not be safe.
I think you made a good choice of husband. Don't feel torn between him and your sister. He is your family, and your children are your priority. When you lose control over your own home because ignorant and selfish people come to stay and behave badly and do things that you do not allow in your home, that is a good time to show them the door and not have them back. The swearing in front of the children alone would have been enough for me to send them packing. As for the BiL's behaviour and your "trying to run round behind them tidying up and putting up with her DH's smart comments about how we live", that shocked me! How dare he come to another person's home and make rude remarks about the way they live? That is appalling! I really would just breathe a sigh of relief that they have gone and make sure that they never stay with you again. Furthermore, should they ever say they are returning, just tell your sister you can't have her husband and children stay with you because of the way they behaved. They do things which are not good for children, like swearing, and the upset to the routine of your children and exposure to such behaviour is very bad for them. She will not like it, call you a snob, say you're saying she isn't good enough for her family etc. Just do the broken record thing; pleasant voice, repeating, "The behaviour was unacceptable, we can't have xx (BiL) and the children here behaving like that." She says "but what if we are good?" you say "Not as yet, last time the behaviour was unacceptable, we can't have your DH (BiL) and the children here behaving like that."
I did once get invaded by my SiL and BiL plus 2 of their 3DC. I was 7 months pregnant. From their arriving at 3am and expecting us to get up and make their beds etc - they were due the following afternoon - to having to sit at the table every meal and hear her children say "I don't like peas/potatoes/tomatoes/lettuce/meat ..." as soon as the food arrived, and to have the SiL who was a lot older than I, make snide remarks about everything I wore/said/did... I had a week of hell. I tremble at it still and it was many years ago. I vowed never again. They came for a free holiday. I remember I had excruciating toothache. We lived in a village and I had to take the bus for 40mins to the town for the Dentist. I was given antibiotics. I went there and back to find nothing done in the house at all, they were sitting waiting as SiL moaned about the children waiting for their lunch while I was on my "spree". I was ill with the raging tooth and pregnant. After 2 days I had to go back to the Dentist to have the tooth out. Again I had to take the bus as my husband was using the car for his brother's family. I said they could help themselves from the fridge/freezer. On the way home I had to get off the bus half way as I was sick. By the time I got home they were all up in arms against me for getting home so late "because we are starving". I said there was food in the fridge! The SiL said as if I were stupid "Yes! But it isn't cooked!" Families? I really do not rate them. The year my husband died in November leaving me with three children, this same big brother did not even send a box of biscuits to the children for Christmas. I changed my name back to my maiden name. They disgust me.
As the children grow older, my experience tells me, it will be even more difficult to cope with the behaviour of your sister's family if you do not draw the line now and let her and her husband see that you mean it about the standards you keep in your family home. Unfortunately you will need to say to your children as they get older "I know Aunty and Uncle let x and x do ... and stay up til ... but mummy and daddy want you to be healthy and learn well at school. We do not do the same things as they do because we think it would not be best for you." You will probably not be quite that direct. Your children will be so glad you have these standards when they get older. My children are practically grown up and can see how awful their cousins are, and have said they are so glad "we (in our family) aren't like them".
I think you have a lot to be proud of, actually. It's not that easy maintaining standards about the internet, table manners and bed times when others near you are just so uncaring about their children's health and safety or about whether they learn to respect the feelings of others. I'm guessing I'm older than you by the ages of our children, and I really do think it's much more difficult today than when my first child was little. I think you should be proud of yourself. This horrible experience has shown you care about your children and their future and how well you are doing!
Good luck and keep your home and family the way you know is best!