House guests and rules....whats acceptable?

[Redgirl68]

My sister and family visited this weekend after 4 years- we live abroad. Her DH invited themselves and my DH had an issue from the start. I felt very much stuck in the middle for the past 4 months in the lead up to the visit as my husband and I fought as I argued it wouldn’t be that bad. I did share basic house rules with my sister before arrival - no shoes inside etc - she sneered a bit but said they would accept them.

My DH predicted exactly what would happen - constant swearing in front of kids, both of them arguing and bickering, mess everywhere, lights left on in all rooms, kids wild and only us requesting all 4 to lower voices, clam down etc. Her DH is the biggest issue – he left a planned day trip yesterday at 11.30 to go to a pub (because he had a hangover from previous day) ….and went to bed this morning at 4am - doors banging, microwave on at 2am. MY DH is furious with me for not listening to him, I’m a stressed mess after spending 3 days worrying my husband was going to lose his temper – he barely hid it on occasions- trying to run round behind them tidying up and putting up with her DH smart comments about how we live - our kids went to bed later than usual at 8.30pm but theirs go much later at same age, their kids watch anything they want online all the time ours don’t, we drum table manners they don’t and on and one. Just feels like we are living 2 completely different lives and I feel angry and sad now that they have left thinking all is fine and the only issue is we are uptight with too many rules. So I wonder on how much others adapt house rules for visitors, what’s acceptable tolerance levels and how if you have done have you broached house rules – esp. with family. (BTW we have had several other family visitors lately with no issues albeit uncles and aunts).

They sound appalling, especially the BIL.

I would chill our a bit on mess with guests present and probably be flexible a bit with the kids on some things for a nice visit all round, but they sounds like horrendous house guests.

I don't care what people say, leaving a family outing at noon to go and drink because you're hungover from yesterday, swearing in front of the kids and arguing, allowing the kids to have no table manners and so on isn't acceptable at all.

@GertrudeCB that's a good question - I suppose family loyalty and blind optimism. Also we get on well.....just obviously not as guests/hosts.

I'm amazed you put up with it. I think we'd have asked them to find somewhere else to stay if they couldn't stop arguing and swearing.

Your DH was quite correct in anticipating how they would behave. I think the main problem is that BIL invited himself and family to stay rather than you inviting them.

They sound like a nightmare family, especially your BIL. Does he have an alcohol issue or was he just letting his hair down on holiday?

I would just never let them invite themselves again. You are just too different and their behaviour is appalling. Say a big fat 'NO' next time.

Your husband sounds like an uptight pretentious prick

For not wanting to be treated like shit in his own home? If one of my DH's relatives invited themselves to stay in my home and then proceeded to get pissed, wake everyone up at 2am, swear in front of my kids, criticise my parenting and sneer at the way I choose to live my life whilst simultaneously letting their own kids run amok in my house I'd be more than "uptight" about it. I would be absolutely furious and I'd be making it clear that they would not be permitted to stay under my roof again.

This is NOT good house guest behaviour. It doesn't matter if you're related or not, you behave like a guest. That means being tidy, not staying out until 4 am without the hosts and you follow the house rules (however strange you might think they are).

I would have thrown them out after the first night.

Never,ever let them invite themselves ever again!

If they try to complain and you don't feel like you can stand up for yourself then let your DH tell them no!

From everything you've said there was nothing your DH or you did wrong on the other hand your Sister,Bil and they're DC sound like a bloody nightmare and just because your family doesn't mean you have to spend time with them,I went NC with one of my brothers,his partner and his adult children and it was the best thing I ever did for mine and my familys wellbeing.

It just makes you wonder those defending the behaviour of the BiL and DSis, WTAF is their own home life like?!

I don't think you or your husband were unreasonable at all. It's your family home and guests family or otherwise should respect your rules or not stay! When I'm a guest I follow the rules and tidy after myself. I wouldn't let them invite themselves again personally and I'd tell them why too! I'm sorry you both had your home disrupted like that.

I would not invite them to be guests in your home next time.
Next time they need to find their own accommodation where ignoring the needs of others is considered ok... hmmmm not sure they'll find somewhere like that.

Be honest with yourself. The fact you were stressing for days about your husband and his potential anger indicates he probably has an anger problem. Your rules don’t sound too bad, I wouldn’t tolerate swearing in front of the kids etc But your BIL sounds like an arse.

We don't have 'house rules' - it's not a boarding school - but then we don't invite the sort of people who need telling how to behave.

Your lot sound horrendous. If it were me I'd certainly never have them to stay again.

We've seen a few threads recently where the DH has invited people to stay, in spite of the spouse's objections.
This is the same. Your DH was right - he knew exactly how it would turn out. Your Dsis and her family sound like terrible house guests.

If the kids had a good time and bonded, then I would probably just deal with it. They do sound pretty awful, but it was only three days of your lives. I really appreciate the relationship with my own cousins and spending time together like this will help build relationships between your kids and their cousins. Focus on the positives of that and forget about the negatives of the visit.

Your relations sound a bit nasty to me would not welcome a man in the house who swore and drunk excessively in front of children.

SuzieQQQ
I wouldn't have said it automatically means he has anger issues.
It's more someone worrying that her husband will call out her sister and BIL for their awful behaviour and there could be a family fall out over it.

I'd struggle to bite my tongue if one of DH's relatives was staggering around my house drunk, swearing in front of my kids and generally being unpleasant. I'd do it for DH but he'd probably be well aware that I find their rudeness disgusting.

StaplesCorner
Quite!
Defending the sister and BIL but saying the husband must have anger issues and needs to chill out.
I'd hate to see what some consider acceptable if people need to chill out over midday drinking to cure a hangover and swearing in front of kids are acceptable.

I don't think that you and your husband are unreasonable at all. Your guests sound appalling and I would not be accepting them as visitors again.
I also think that there are quite a few posters on this thread that seem to be adhering to the AIBU motto when in doubt stick the fucking knife in, twist it and be as vicious as you can

Hmmm. House guests should follow your rules and respect your home or book a hotel. I have had similar issues with relatives wanting to light up cannabis, wear shoes in the house and on the furniture, getting drunk around the kids & spilling wine on my furniture and carpet, acting like I’m babysitting their kids for the visit and they can just do whatever and ignore their kid.
The best way to keep the peace is for you and DH to tell them next time they visit they need to book an Airbnb or hotel for the duration of their stay. If the kids are doing good, then allow a sleepover night. That gives you your sanctuary of your home and less mess for you to clear up.

SuzieQQQ He was hopping mad all weekend at the lack of respect shown, the excessive drinking, the way my BiL treats my Sister. I was stressing as I knew he could lose his temper and call out the bad behavior - that would start a row that there was no going back from and as much as I hated the behavior I didn't want to upset my sister.

It sounds like your DH and your BIL were pretty much equally responsible for making this such a stressful visit.
Your DH needs to work on being a more relaxed host and accepting that some family members are annoying and do things differently.
Your BIL sounds like a prat and shouldn't need to be told that his drinking was out of line.
Different families raise their dc in different ways and it is definitely easier to spend time with families who do it the same way you do.
But it was a very short time and your dc got to bond with their cousins. Focus on that positive and let the irritations slide.

seems like neither your sister or her husband can manage a holiday weekend away without getting pissed, arguing and swearing and inconsiderate of others.

From the tension in your own household over this it seems you're well aware of their dynamic.
You don't seem to have any boundaries with your sister, and so she allows her twat of a husband walk all over you too.
When they 'invited themselves' you should have pointed them towards the nearest hotel.

SuzieQQQ, I disagree that her foreseeing the conflict and that her DH would have his temper tested means he had anger issues. Anger issues are when someone is angry unreasonably and flies off the handle for the smallest of reasons. Having THREE DAYS of a drunken, swearing, inconsiderate lout in your house treating your wife like a maid of all work and making fun of how you parent in front of your kids would make anyone who is not a Saint angry and struggle to keep their temper intact.

We have a firmly shoes on house. However if we didn't there is no way I would impose it on visitors. Its uptight and rude.

It's a real shame that it sounds like your rules actually got in the way of what could have been a lovely trip.
I'd be embarrassed actually for you, children need exposure to all kinds of different things. Being exposed to some swearing isn't bad.

If your dsis was generally rude to you or has always been disrespectful or unkind etc... Slightly different.
For what it's worth we have frequent house guests and the only rule is to keep shoes on, and make sure front door is shut properly if you go out .. We live, we survive.

Awful houseguests.. they could'nt reign it in for 3 days in someone elses house, The BIL is a right off, and yourDS actually sneered when you explained and asked for her co-operation and she was staying with you!!!
That was bad enough but your DH has had a fine old time, making you sweat for days before their visit and then basically saying I told you so whilst barely controlling his temper. None of this was fair on you from any of them. Things like their DC's table manners I would have ignored, turning the lights off too as it was only for 3 days. And it was probably quite a good reverse example to your kids, since they could see how bad the behaviour was. But its you I feel sorry for. None of them have treated you well, but your sister is in another country. Your DH is in your home and he could have rallied around, gritted his teeth and made the best of it for your sake three days, instead you just having to put up with the house guests, you had to put up with him as well. Why make you feel so terrible for letting your DC spend time with their cousins which you say they all enjoyed. DH behaviour is more of a worry. Sometimes a little bit of support and co-operation goes a long way, and a lot of point scoring and I told you so's are unkind and thoughtless way of treating you.

Sounds like two men with anger issues being as bad as each other