House guests and rules....whats acceptable?

[Redgirl68]

My sister and family visited this weekend after 4 years- we live abroad. Her DH invited themselves and my DH had an issue from the start. I felt very much stuck in the middle for the past 4 months in the lead up to the visit as my husband and I fought as I argued it wouldn’t be that bad. I did share basic house rules with my sister before arrival - no shoes inside etc - she sneered a bit but said they would accept them.

My DH predicted exactly what would happen - constant swearing in front of kids, both of them arguing and bickering, mess everywhere, lights left on in all rooms, kids wild and only us requesting all 4 to lower voices, clam down etc. Her DH is the biggest issue – he left a planned day trip yesterday at 11.30 to go to a pub (because he had a hangover from previous day) ….and went to bed this morning at 4am - doors banging, microwave on at 2am. MY DH is furious with me for not listening to him, I’m a stressed mess after spending 3 days worrying my husband was going to lose his temper – he barely hid it on occasions- trying to run round behind them tidying up and putting up with her DH smart comments about how we live - our kids went to bed later than usual at 8.30pm but theirs go much later at same age, their kids watch anything they want online all the time ours don’t, we drum table manners they don’t and on and one. Just feels like we are living 2 completely different lives and I feel angry and sad now that they have left thinking all is fine and the only issue is we are uptight with too many rules. So I wonder on how much others adapt house rules for visitors, what’s acceptable tolerance levels and how if you have done have you broached house rules – esp. with family. (BTW we have had several other family visitors lately with no issues albeit uncles and aunts).

They sound like guests from hell.

I cannot believe posters saying you are up tight.
FFS- these guests sound like a nightmare.

When people stay with anyone else, they ought to fit in with the existing house rules. It's only polite.

Don't invite them again.

If you need to meet up do it on neutral territory if possible.

Do they invite you to stay at their house?

I wouldn't tolerate that shit in my house. The language wouldn't bother me so much as I swear like a sailor, but getting drunk, making noise at all hours, heading to the pub in favour of the planned day out would really piss me off. Visitors need to respect your house. I cringe when others openly argue in front of me. It's so uncomfortable. Next time your bil invites himself to stay tell him it doesn't suit.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! They are guests for heaven sakes. You need to speak to your sister and say you are not happy with how they are being. Frankly it is down right rude to go to someone's house to stay (uninvited) and then treat the hosts with such disrespect.

Im sorry OP, whilst your dsis and husband dont sound good house guests, you and your dh are horrible hosts.

The way you are talking is like theyve been there for a week. Not a weekend. You sound hostile and unwelcoming. Rules are crazy. Shoes off is fine. Tell them at the door. Bedtime and screen time relax a little or a lot but parent how you want. Mess: clean up after them, dont begrudge it. Having guests is work. Family are easy to get annoyed with as you expect more from them than friends.

And yes your dh sounds like a nasty angry man who is driving a wedge between you and your dsis. You come across as cringing and cowering trying to placate him. This is not good.

You actually remind me of my mum and my aunt. Their husbands are both horrible and it drove a wedge between the 2 families. My aunty died at 52. Mum said at the grave "she was a good sister". It was a shame all those years spent staying away from each other. Appreciate what youve got. You both need to behave better.

I'd come down on the side of anyone who says "my house, my rules". SIL visited with two of three kids a few years ago. I booked them into the activities DS was doing (outdoor water sport), they had a blast even with strict safety measures, were tired when they came home. SIL lost several kilos eating our diet instead of crisps.

I don't think OP and DH are horrible hosts. It reads to me that BIL has behaved appallingly in the past, and does so when they meet up elsewhere, such that her DH said he didn't want them staying due to BIL's behaviour.

Who goes out separately ignoring a planned joint day out and returns early hours drunk cooking for himself waking up whole house when a guest??!!

He ignored his whole family to get solo drunk two days in a row! Swore Infront of DCs, argued with his wife when a guest in someone else's home.
There's past form here and it's not new behaviour. H

OP and her DH just disagreed over her optimism that her arse of a BIL would behave over the long weekend. He didn't.

DH was right, OP didn't want it to blow up but wasn't happy either with outrageous behaviour by BIL because of wanting to have to stay her sister and nieces/nephews. She tried, it didn't work.

I don't think there is anyone to blame here but BIL and DSis (who must know what her DH is like).

Swearing in front of children is horrible.

I don't think you're being precious at all. They sound like nightmare guests. Next time recommend a local B&B.

I must be reading a completely different thread to the majority of PPs because I am 100% on the side of OPs DH. Her Dsis and BIL don’t sound housebroken. Her DH also doesn’t sound in any way controlling, uptight or violent (wtaf?!) either. He sounds like a man who knew what was going to go down with OPs Jezza Kyle family and told her so.

We are a shoes off household but because we have wood floors often people think our rules don't apply to them. I have no problems telling family who are coming over to stay to bring their slippers/indoor shoes with them. I do the same in their homes. That being said with more people in the house more mess, chaos is to be expected. People parent differently, is it really a big deal if your kids go to bed a little later than normal as their cousins are over? The getting drunk and pulling out of a planned family day is annoying so you have every right to be upset about that. I think on your part as hosts some give and take was needed, in that more mess, your kids routine being interrupted was bound to happen so I would have just gone with the flow as they were only there a few days. There really isn't any need to swear in front of kids especially when the parents don't engage in that kind of language. It does sound like your dh is not keen on your sister and bil, as it is his home too I probably wouldn't have them over to stay again.

They sound appalling (self invited) house guests. Entitled, arrogant and lacking respect and manners. I fully understand your DH's desire to let rip and well done him for reigning in his natural instinct to play I-spy a cheeky fucker.

Lesson learnt I think....

It's fine for close family to suggest visiting you for a weekend.

YANBU they sound awful. Not the sort of guests I would want staying. Just say no next time! Your rules sound pretty ok to me. Maybe I'm uptight too 😂

Ignore all comments that are criticising you and you husband!

Not so much the same scenario, but my grandmother invited herself to my house when my baby was 3 weeks old. She came and thought she was going to get pity and sympathy when she told us she had only just got "over" the flu yesterday. I told her to leave immediately.

You were/are in your rights to have asked your sister and her family to leave it is your house, your private happy space that shouldn't be abused, ok there maybe some hostility but why should you have to put up with it I take my hat off to you for lasting 3 days. I've learned my lesson by saying absolutely under no circumstances is anyone staying at my home they can visit or we can meet but that is it. Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself and if it helps let your husband say his peace.

How old
Are the kids ?

I wonder what the etc. was in the house rules?

Did your sister really sneer or was she just surprised to be getting a long list of do's and don'ts ahead of time?

The lights on and mess everywhere - I really think you need to be a bit less demanding and accepting that your way is not everyone's way. Then you can focus more on the more important stuff - like no swearing in front of the kids.

Microwave issue - many homes have a kitchen which can be used in the middle of the night because it contains the noise. If your environment is not so well planned or accommodating you might just need to tell him that actually it was quite loud for others and ask him not to do that again.

It's kind of sad to hear that your kids get on so well together at the same time as hearing that as a couple you don't really want your family staying with you. Is there a way you can be more flexible as well as asking them to be more?

They sound like nightmare guests to me. I can imagine how tense you would feel caught between her sneering at the idea of having to modify her behaviour, Anne your dh livid at the thought of them arriving.
It’s reallyhad to spend time with people who aren’t on the same page as you, esp with parenting.
I’m surprised though that you didn’t want your husband to get angry with them. My first instinct would be to get the message across that they had to up their parenting to a reasonable level.
And to the people saying you are inflexible/ uptight. Is it really ok in your world that kids watch whatever they want on the net? Make noise all the time? always stay up late?are really unboundaried?
Sounds like my idea of hell, but I guess some people are just goodwirh noise levels etc.

as much as I hated the behavior I didn't want to upset my sister

She clearly wasn't bothered about upsetting you (and your DH), so I most definitely would have brought up a few home truths if necessary.

Sister and BIL sound absolutely feral. They obviously have form for this if your DH was able to correctly predict their behaviour months in advance. BIL would definitely be banned from my home from now on. Sister might get one more chance if she could be trusted to act like a decent human being away from BIL.

Ignore anyone here who is siding with your sister and BIL. They probably don't know how to behave in other people's homes either.

I think its unbelievably rude for house guests not to follow rules or live as you do. How hard is it to respect someone else's house?

I don't think there is anything you can do now apart from not invite them again.

Ignore anyone here who is siding with your sister and BIL. They probably don't know how to behave in other people's homes either.

Either that or they understand that it is dangerous to hear only one side of the story and then believe you have a good picture of what really went on. Perhaps they are just more insightful....

OP if you do not want to see your sister and her family then simply ask them not to visit you again.

If you do want to see your sister and her family, then drive to where they live and pay for accommodation nearby, so they are not put out in a similar way by having to host your own family.

Your own children and their cousins will lose out by not having the chance to build their respective relationships. At least no-one will have flooring damaged by wearing shoes inside and your respective angry husbands can continue to rule the roost.

In later years you may face widowhood or divorce, but your sister and her children will still be your family. It would be a shame if you had no opportunity to connect with them when these times come.

"constant swearing in front of kids, both of them arguing and bickering, mess everywhere, lights left on in all rooms, "

Who behaves like that at all, let alone in someone else's house?

Tellmetruth4 with you 100% on that. Some absolute bollocks being spouted on this thread.

I think it's perfectly normal to remind a sis about house rules when you anticipate that things that would really cause you stress are going to happen if they aren't followed.

Break it down: no shoes in the house. Yep, i don't allow that either. We have hotel-style slippers for anyone who wants them, but everyone is asked to remove shoes when they come in. It's a noise/mess thing.
No swearing in front of my children - yes. I don't want people fing and blinding in front of my children (when they were smaller). I swear like a trooper but I manage to reign it in if children or people who don't want to hear it (within reason) are around.

Houseguests who slam around waking people up - nope. I'd ask them to leave.

Yes to being out of routine for the kids (holidays?) and a bit more mess. But I wouldn't expect that behaviour from my guests and I certainly wouldn't behave like that in someone else's home.

As for OP's DH. Well, i get it. He anticipated exactly what would happen which is why he argued with OP and didn't want the guests. He didn't say no to them coming, however (presumably he doesn't want to cut OP off from her family) and did his best not to cause a row while they were there. I don't blame OP for being nervous that he might say something that can't be unsaid under the circs, and contrary to other posters i think hat off to him for keeping it under control.

OP was, presumably, on eggshells because she knows that her DH would have been justified in telling at least BIL to sling his hook and never come back.

Put it behind you. Resolve to never stay with each other again and then find ways of maintaining the family relationship outside of your homes. Perhaps a camping weekend with separate tents, preferably without dh's staying in hotels nearby, with other relatives etc.

Does your sister realise the problems between the two dh's? Would she be open to doing things without them?