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Original poster

husband still out - end of my thether

227 replies

sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:29

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 10:25

I was given a couple of phone numbers from members of the meeting. I don't know what the etiquette is around that?? I could probably be doing with speaking to one of them but I don't want to be a nuisance

Alcoholism IS a fucking nuisance. The owners of those numbers know that through horrible experience. They will have no problems with you calling them. They will call you back if it is inconvenient to talk

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 10:30

Don't expect to much from the GP. She will really only signpost IME. It really all has to come from him

My XH was hospitalised after collapsing, told he would be dead within 5 years if he continued drinking, sedated for 2 days to get through DTs...then discharged and told to go to AA meetings

Isatis · 31/07/2019 10:31

You could phone the GP yourself to fill her in. She can't give you information about him, but there's nothing to stop her listening to information from you.

strawberryblondebint · 31/07/2019 10:44

Numbers are given for a reason in AA and Al-anon. In fact I was once given a ticking off for not picking up the phone when I should have. Please make use of them. These people are wise

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 10:53

Prioritise your own mental health now - you need to do this for your children. He needs to sort himself out but your kids won't cope with the both of you in a bad place mentally.

Elle2019 · 31/07/2019 10:56

I agree with others go get some help for yourself now. Talk to someone. Regardless of it is alcoholism, depression or both you need to have support yourself. Both are very tough long roads. Don’t wait x

INeedAFlerken · 31/07/2019 11:41

I think you're mad to let him stay, tbh.

YOu have to do what's best for you and your DC. He isn't it right now. He can't do this alone, he's in complete denial.

browzingss · 31/07/2019 11:59

Your updates don’t sound great to be honest - it sounds like he’s in complete denial of his alcohol problems, therefore nothing will change.

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 12:43

Being adamant that he can stop himself is the clearest sign that he’s not ready to even THINK about stopping.

Time for you to stop trying to fix him l . Stop talking to him about it - he needs to take ownership of his problems and at the moment he doesn’t have to. Now it’s your problem AND the GPs problem to fix. I’ll bet you a mars bar that in few weeks / months he will be complaining that she’s not doing enough to help him.

Please try to focus on you and the kids. I know it’s hard to change the whole pattern of your life - addicts are so good at keeping the focus on them all the bloody time.

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 14:57

I think you're mad to let him stay, tbh
AlAnon advise against making any life changing decisions about leaving/staying until you have been attending meetings for 6 months or so

I agree with others go get some help for yourself now. Talk to someone

OP HAS gotten help for herself/her kids and should take pride in attending that first gut wrenching, sickening, humiliating, devestating meeting

Stop talking to him about it best advice on the thread from @M0RVEN

I'll repeat it...STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 14:58

Google ENABLING

greenwaterbottle · 31/07/2019 15:06

Is he drinking your money away? Could you separate off the household budget and what you need for the kids etc.

INeedAFlerken · 31/07/2019 15:41

I think it should be fair enough to start the 6 month clock on making life changing decisions when the behaviour is clearly not changing, and in fact getting worse, whether or not she started attending meetings until now.

MollyButton · 31/07/2019 15:57

I think the one step you do need to do right now is to step back from his problems and concentrate on you and the DC.
You can't change him (he's not your fault, and you can't control him).

Do phone those numbers. Do have fun with the DC. Do take steps to make your and their life better.
Do talk to people and get support for you.

The rest is for him to sort out for himself.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2019 15:57

Being adamant that he can stop himself is the clearest sign that he’s not ready to even THINK about stopping.

OMG, this is so so so true! If I had a nickel for the number of times my DBro insisted that he could do it himself I'd be a wealthy woman. You only have to Google 'home detox' to see the myriad websites touting 'cures' to see how easily the alcoholic deceives himself.

My DBro had to hit rock bottom and hit it hard. And I had to stand back and let him. I have never felt so uncaring and cruel, ignoring his pleas for 'help' from me (translate; pleas for me to enable him once more). Yet I knew deep in my soul it was the right thing to do. His rock bottom was ugly. It was horrible. But he crawled out of that rock bottom 'hole' and is now living a sober life. He knows he will struggle the rest of his life against alcohol. But he takes pride in winning that struggle, each and every day.

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 16:27

*INeedAFlerken

I think it should be fair enough to start the 6 month clock on making life changing decisions when the behaviour is clearly not changing, and in fact getting worse, whether or not she started attending meetings until now*

@ineedaflerken

No, the whole point is to not make decisions whilst in turmoil. 6 months of accessing support, talking things through, thinking of alternative versions of your life, logistics, plans. Detachment. Then make sound decisions, that are practical and we'll thought out, so more sustainable and prone to success. Even if husband turns it round and OP stays, she will know that she CAN leave

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 16:53

And I suppose also, with a bit of space/clarity/support, she MIGHT decide to stay, also

Lind57 · 31/07/2019 20:27

Yes, unless there's violence Alanon says wait, and it makes sense not to rush. It's the same on the other thread about an alcoholic spouse, where pressure is being put on the Op to make instant changes. It isn't quick or easy to make life changing decisions. I couldn't take that time and it was a financial nightmare. Do phone the people who have given you their numbers, OP. They want to help. Paying it forward is important to people who have been there and survived because of the support they received.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 31/07/2019 21:02

I am in no fit state to be making life changing decisions currently. I barely made it through today. I need to concentrate on me and stop myself falling head first into another anxiety and depression period.

He went to the supermarket earlier and all I could think was that he was buying wine. And that he'd stash it in the car until I went to bed. Then I was going to take a photo of the glasses cupboard to see if any had moved in the morning or sneak in on him later tonight or smell his breath before I went to work.... FFS!!!! WTAF. I have read via Al-Anon that this is Obsessing. So I've stopped stressing about it. I can't stop him if he drinks but I can stop my behaviour around it and stop getting myself worked up over it. If I continued obsessing tonight then it would be another night of not sleeping and a very early start for work tomorrow and I don't deserve that.

I need to tell my work tomorrow what's been happening. The al-anon group is on at a time when I work. Work are very supportive but I need to ask them if I can change my shifts so I will need to tell them why and I'm dreading it. This will be the first time I will have told people that I know. I have been very candid with them about my own mental health and issues in my life that have triggered it but I had been in a good place the past few months and now I'll need to tell them about another part of my personal life and I'm pissed off with it all.

@M0RVEN and @Pricedrop What do you mean that I shouldn't talk to DH about it? I shouldn't take to him about his drinking? Can you explain this a bit more please.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2019 21:21

I was told the same about my brother. Once you have stated your position regarding his drinking clearly and decisively, stop talking about it. Refuse to engage with "You know how I feel, so drop it". Keeping talking over and over about their drinking and its affect on you reinforces to the alcoholic that you aren't close to being 'fed up' with them and that you are going to continue to be their 'soft place to land'.

But to be frank, you have to have reached the point where you say "Your drinking is ruining our marriage/your life and I will no longer tolerate it. If you take another drink, I am leaving" or in my case "I will no longer have anything to do with you". And you have to be 100% willing and able to follow through. Never give an alcoholic a 'shape up or ship out' ultimatum unless you are positive you are going to follow through.

Mix56 · 31/07/2019 21:28

I agree there is not going to be an instant sparation, you still love him, he has had this accidnet & is fragile, aall these feeling of justification are not going to disappear.
But you are right, you should concentrate on your mental health, your kids, your job. He will feel the change in the air, when he realises you have "switched off". You have had compassion, & wanted to support him, but now he has found the crutch of alcohol, you have repeatedly confonted him with the reality & he is in denial.
But a shift has happened, you are not not going to enable him anymore.
So this starts with finances, where is he finding the money to buy the alcohol ? is it just just part of the family groceries ?

Lind57 · 31/07/2019 22:12

Talking to an active alcoholic about their drinking is an utter waste of your time and energy. If they're drunk they probably won't even recall the conversation, if they're hungover/thinking about their next drink, they'll get angry or defensive or both. And if they're drinking every day they are going to be one of those things, so what is the point?

Lind57 · 31/07/2019 22:18

Your work will be supportive, if they've been supportive before. I found letting people know helped. When I stopped trying to hide the situation, I didn't feel I needed to protect him all the time and could leave him to it. I'm just sharing my experience here, you may feel differently. The checking has to stop, as it's torture and it's pointless, but until the scales fall off, we all do it. Thinking of you x

MollyButton · 31/07/2019 23:40

I have read via Al-Anon that this is Obsessing. So I've stopped stressing about it. I can't stop him if he drinks but I can stop my behaviour around it and stop getting myself worked up over it. If I continued obsessing tonight then it would be another night of not sleeping and a very early start for work tomorrow and I don't deserve that.

This is a life changing step. you have done so well to make it. Flowers

Pricedrop · 01/08/2019 00:28

@sickofthis don't waste your energy talking to him about it. He is an adult. He knows his drinking is causing a problem for you and his children. You have told him that you want him to stop. What else is there to say?

This is part of CO-DEPENDENCY. Don't nag or threaten....you become the bad guy...it is then your fault, you drive him to drink with your nagging and inability to understand him/your insensitivity to his struggles. Don't let him make you be his excuse

There is NOTHING you can say to flick a switch in his head. You CANT find the words that will change his behaviour. They don't exist. Or, alcoholism wouldn't be the problem it is.

You have to conserve ALL of your energy for you and your children. You are going to need it.

It is very difficult to do and will take time. It is called DETACHMENT WITH LOVE. It is a necessary step