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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband still out - end of my thether

227 replies

sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:29

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 30/07/2019 20:42

A handhold lass.

Pricedrop · 30/07/2019 20:44

I hope the quiet is because she went in

FinnBalorsAbs · 30/07/2019 21:12

Hope the meeting helps. You aren’t alone Flowers.

SummerInTheVillage · 30/07/2019 21:22

Leave him, OP. This is no life for you and your children.

Lind57 · 30/07/2019 21:44

Alanon helped me so much, just by changing my perspective. Hearing other people's stories and understanding hat the behaviours I was living with, the lying, blaming, minimising, self-pity, threats to self-harm, are all typical of addicts.It helped me move my focus from trying to save him to taking care of myself and the kids. He was dragging us all down with him.

Pricedrop · 30/07/2019 21:46

@Lind57 100%

OhRuddyHell · 30/07/2019 22:20
Flowers
Original poster
sickofthis0 · 31/07/2019 00:03

I did go in. Can't quite believe I made it.

Everyone was so welcoming. I even got given cake to bring home for my kids Grin

A lot of what was said resonated with me and I'm keen to go back.

Thanks to everyone who gave me that push. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have gone.

OP posts:
willowtree66 · 31/07/2019 00:23

Well done you 👍🏻.

impossible · 31/07/2019 00:35

Fantastic! It's a first step - and very brave. As you begin to take control you will feel a little better and hopefully less alone. Be proud of yourself.

rededucator · 31/07/2019 00:37

Wonderful, positive step to make. Congratulations x

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 31/07/2019 02:50

👏 👏 👏
🎉 Yay! 🎉
So happy to read that @sickofthis0 Flowers
Cake Cake Cake

Pricedrop · 31/07/2019 04:39

Amazing @sickofthis0, well done for going in. I'm so pleased to hear that it was positive/you are keen to go back 🧡

iMatter · 31/07/2019 06:39

Really well done 👏👏👏😊

MrsMozartMkII · 31/07/2019 07:39

Well done lass!

maras2 · 31/07/2019 07:48

Well done.Cake Brew

ThatCurlyGirl · 31/07/2019 07:51

Ah @sickofthis0 well done you! Star

Mix56 · 31/07/2019 08:56

Bravo, that was a great leap forward.
Please do go back & take time to work out your plan of action.
Did you tell H that you were going ?
What is his take on all this ?

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 08:57

Well done on going to the meeting, I know it was really hard. Because it somehow makes it all more real doesn’t it?

And your lives are all about him and what he wants - it’s very tough to turn the focus back onto you and the children.

It’s also hard because we convince ourselves that our loved one isn’t a common or garden drunk/ addict like all the rest and their situation is different and special because X and we need to stay and fix them because Y. However when we get to al anon we see the patterns and commonalities and realise that in many sense they are all the same ( selfish, lying, manipulative ) and we can’t do anything to fix them.

Which is very hard to deal with.

The toughest thing of all for me was realising that despite all their protests of how they love you and the kids, they actually don’t ( or can’t) because their main relationship is with alcohol/ the substance of choice.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 31/07/2019 09:35

Aw thanks everyone Blush

It took me hours to get to sleep last night. I think I must've finally fallen over about 4am. My mind was working overtime and I couldn't stop thinking about what was said at the meeting and what is going on in my life.

I finally told DH about 6pm last night that I was going to the meeting. Yesterday I left him to sleep and I took the kids out. We had a lovely afternoon down the beach exploring the sand dunes and throwing a million stones into the sea which my kids love doing. I think most adults do too?? Smile

He took it well at the beginning but his mood deteriorated as time went on. When I came back we had a chat however he's still in denial about his drinking and the conversation was pretty much along the same lines as it was a couple of months ago.

He's away to his GP just now for a catch up about his injury and the new meds he's on. He says he's going to talk about his drinking but I can imagine it'll be an extremely watered down version.

I'm exhausted today. I woke up thinking about it all again. My mind is whirring. The meeting was so positive but it's given me a lot to think about and consider. I would like my brain to switch off please.

I was given a couple of phone numbers from members of the meeting. I don't know what the etiquette is around that?? I could probably be doing with speaking to one of them but I don't want to be a nuisance.

On one hand I'm grateful that I went to the meeting and feel lucky to have found it but on the other I'm angry I even have to go there and work through these things for myself and my boys and give all this so much bloody headspace.

OP posts:
AnnonniMoose · 31/07/2019 09:54

Oh OP - I feel for you, I really do. Well done on getting up the courage to attend. I realise it's given you a lot to think about, but it was the right thing to do.

It messes with your head living with an alcoholic. I eventually stopped trying to help my DM and went LC with her, as I realised I could not help her, and she refused to help herself. It hurt like hell to see what she was doing to herself, but I couldn't let it mess up my own MH and life any more. At some stage you have to do what's right for you and let the other person sort themselves out (or drink themselves into an early grave unfortunately).

Mix56 · 31/07/2019 10:00

I imagine if the person's number was given out, then its because they are willing to listen... You could call & ask if its convenient to talk at this time ?
The thing is with H, even if HE thinks he's OK, you are not OK with living with someone who is drunk every day. Most people like a drink or two, & the occasional blow out, but not everyday, & not when you have to miss work because of it. So its impacting on your life, & you do not intend to raise your children under under these circumstances.
So basically he needs to find another "crutch" for his trauma, or go & live eslewhere.
He doesn't unilaterally decide its OK

H2OH20Everywhere · 31/07/2019 10:06

Has he seen the doctor yet? If not I'd ring the surgery and ask to speak to whoever is seeing him before the appointment. Stress it's an emergency. Tell them about his drinking in as much detail as you can.

I've done that for my DP. The doctor couldn't confirm she was seeing him, but did listen to what I said and from what DP told me about the appointment afterwards she did bring it up, albeit subtly (and never mentioned I'd rung).

If you have time I'd do it.

RandomMess · 31/07/2019 10:13
Thanks

I hope you have the courage to end your relationship, you can reconcile IF he sorts out is alcohol problem.

You will be less stressed and unhappy which will be better for all of you.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 31/07/2019 10:20

He's back from the GP. He said he told her that he's been having dark thoughts about harming himself and he hasn't wanted to tell her before and that it's ramped up.

And that he's started smoking again after 2.5 years and about his drinking.

Obviously I know she won't have been given all the information in a 10 minute appointment and that he will not have been brutally honest with her.

He's said that the smoking she's not concerned with at the moment and the harmful thoughts are very common when suffering with sever depression especially when he's not had it before.

She is very concerned about the drinking and has given him a "ticking off" as this will cancel out any benefit of the meds he's on and that he needs to stop.

As with me, he's said that he will stop himself. He's got another appt in 2.5 weeks. She's said if not then there is a lot of support out there for him that she will help him with.

Yes, I'm only taking his word for what was said, so we shall see what comes from this. I'm not naive enough to think this is going to be the end of his drinking.

I think he needs support but he's not there yet and is still adamant that he can do it himself. He says he doesn't want to talk to yet another person about his problems. He currently sees a clinical psychologist, physio and his GP all regularly. I don't agree with this but I can't make him. He needs to get to that point himself.

We shall see what happens.

OP posts: