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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH should APOLOGISE to neighbours

181 replies

TheBadNeighbour · 28/07/2019 13:34

Had a small bbq last night and invited neighbour round who came with her two kids (aged 11 and 9). DH has had a lot to drink. I had also been drinking but was not drunk.
For context, I have aspergers and tend to repeat phrases I’ve heard. DH hates it and always picks me up on it but I don’t always realise I’m doing it.
Neighbour commented on the chicken and said it was nice, I told her the recipe and used a word that upset DH and so he flung his head back, screamed out the word and then hurled his can of beer into the air (showering neighbour with beer) before running around the garden repeating it over and over. Neighbour was gobsmacked and the eldest boy said “is he drunk??”. I was so embarrassed. Neighbour knows I have aspergers so doesn’t pick me up on words I use etc so she had no idea why he’d acted like that. She left shortly afterwards making an awkward joke about needing to get changed. I’m supposed to be meeting her for a run today and I’ve heard nothing from her and dare not contact her. DH won’t apologise as he says “we were all drunk” but we wasn’t! Just him!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2019 16:26

God, he sounds HORRIBLE! And anyone who drinks to the point of that kind of behaviour (and I mean ALL of the incidences you've mentioned) has a drinking problem, even if it only happens 'occasionally'. But I'll bet it happens to some degree every time he drinks. And probably when he's sober, too. He's an abusive twat.

Have you thought about why you stay? It seems to me that your life would be easier and more peaceful if you split up.

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/07/2019 16:29

I know I already said but I keep rereading it and feeling so sad you think this is anything to do with your aspergers. I promise you it isn't, this is not you AT ALL.

Please don't excuse his behaviour and take responsibility for it - you haven't done anything wrong and you having aspergers is not to blame for any of this.

Saracen · 28/07/2019 16:32

I'm glad to hear you have contacted your neighbour rather than avoiding her! She sounds like a decent person who would not turn her back on you for something your DH did.

Tell her how upset you were by his behaviour and how frightening it must have been for her and her children.

This is a tough time for you, and you need to keep hold of your friends and let them help you. Possibly neighbour is avoiding you ATM because she doesn't know what to do or say. Don't let that come between you. If you raise the subject then she can take her cue from you and discuss it openly and sympathetically with you.

Andromeida59 · 28/07/2019 16:36

Dear OP, please do not blame any of this on your Aspergers. My DP is also an Aspie and as such will repeat things that get stuck in his head. It's also usually a sign of stress. Sometimes it does get a bit much for me and I might say "OK, enough now" but I know he needs to do it as a release. Never in a million years would I humiliate him or try to embarrass him.
You are not in the wrong, OP both incidents described are really very alarming. I rarely say it but I don't think you should be with someone who can treat you in such a way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/07/2019 16:37

Your husband clearly should never touch alcohol then!
I had a friend years ago who was fine when sober, an utter arsehole when drunk on beer. He realised very quickly that he shouldn't ever get drunk, certainly not on beer, and became teetotal.
Your DH should consider that option.

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2019 16:41

I really hope this isn't real. Because if it is, that's not about being drunk. Your partner is incredibly weird and abnormal. What you describe is not drunken behavuour, it's weird abnormal shit,

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 28/07/2019 17:09

OP are you ok?

I fear you are accepting things in your relationship that you shouldn't and blaming it on your aspergers, or feeling uncomfortable about things but saying "well it's me, it's my Asperger's".

It's not. It's not ok. It's him. You don't have to accept it.

Twillow · 28/07/2019 17:10

He was being a bit silly, but if obviously drunk i would maybe not be surprised by that. Maybe just ask her if she was offended - say you thought he acted very silly and were worried that he might have upset her. Showering someone with beer is quite annoying, obs!

Advisemeplease1 · 28/07/2019 17:15

@TheBadNeighbour, sounds like your dh has a drink problem and you have a dh problem.

53rdWay · 28/07/2019 17:22

He did a few laps of the garden and then ran into the patio doors. I think he fell at that point because we heard a bang and the dogs started attacking him

wishingforapositiveyear · 28/07/2019 17:23

Op your dogs have the right idea, get rid of him

MulticolourMophead · 28/07/2019 17:25

OP, I would not be surprised if your neighbour tries to talk to you at some point about your DH's behaviour. And I would bet this isn't the only time she's witnessed it.

Please listen if she does, it takes a lot to get people to approach others when they are worried. Your DH's behaviour is not normal, and I really think you'll be better off away from it.

CanuckBC · 28/07/2019 17:53

My question is, what else does your “H” do that you put down to your aspergers? Can you give us some examples of day to day life? I am just thinking if he does this when drunk, when all of his inhibitions are gone, he may be doing it more subtly day to day.

It appears that your aspergers behaviour may be more of an issue to him than he lets on and it comes out when his inhibitions are gone when he is inebriated. It’s just been sheer luck he hasn’t been arrested so far, especially I believe in Thailand! He could get you in some serious trouble in a foreign land with his behaviour.

I would go to some personal counseling and maybe marriage counseling to see if it’s going on in your daily life and you are not catching it.

He is horrid when drunk. I suspect it’s happening more than this.

I would discuss it with your neighbour about how horrified you are about his behaviour and how sorry you are that her children and herself were subjected to it. I would disclose to her the past behaviour and the issues you are having with it. If she has been around you and your “h” when he’s not been drunk she may be able to tell you about other behaviours she has noticed.

I say “h” as he is not dear. In another forum we would say DuH as in dumb ass husband…

EKGEMS · 28/07/2019 18:18

He sounds like an alcoholic

Fraggling · 28/07/2019 18:25

I know some terrible drunks. Under different circs / when younger this sort of thing was seen as hilarious for onlookers / mortifying for drunk person

You didn't do anything wrong so please get in touch with friend and go out and all that, she not going to blame you
He needs to apologise to you, her and anyone else there
Him mocking your speech is appalling and nasty and needs thinking about separately. That's horrible nasty bullying

LakieLady · 28/07/2019 18:39

If he's that nasty when he's pissed, I'd be telling him to go on the wagon or LTB.

This is nothing to do with your AS, OP, he's a nasty piece of work when he's got drink on board, so he needs to cut out the drink. And apologise to the neighbour!

Skittlenommer · 28/07/2019 18:48

OP you are not seeing this clearly!

It’s time for an ultimatum; either the drink goes (permanently) or he does. He’s a problem drinker (proof being his drinking impacts others) and this is not OK nor is his behaviour normal!

In fact I’d consider getting him assessed!

Frownette · 28/07/2019 20:44

OP he sounds a little...deranged?

What's he like when he's sober? I have to admit I laughed/cringed a bit at your descriptions of the things he's got up to as it's so utterly bizarre.

Is he genuinely unaware of his behaviour and impact it has on others?

Jaxhog · 29/07/2019 13:46

Wow! That was seriously strange behavior by your DH. He sounds like he has a serious problem when drunk. Does he not acknowledge it at all?

MockingJay27 · 29/07/2019 13:54

Your husband is a disgusting bully, a lot of people call coconut oil, lucy bee, especially people who follow lean in 15. It isn't weird at all and you should call it that if you want. The fact you think your in the wrong for saying that phrase shows how much you are being manipulated. You should seriously consider leaving the twat !

TheSpottedDog · 28/01/2021 23:22

I call coconut oil Lucy Bee too, what a strange reaction

Summersun2020 · 29/01/2021 00:07

@TheSpottedDog how did you manage to find (and comment on) a thread that’s over a year and a half old?

katy1213 · 29/01/2021 00:12

Are you sure it was the word? Or the thought of eating chicken cooked in coconut oil? I mean - why?

Minky37 · 29/01/2021 00:17

Zombie !!! Is this for real though ???

HikeForward · 29/01/2021 07:10

Yes he should apologise to your poor neighbours (and admit he was drunk and maybe say he spilt the beer by accident!) He could explain its an ‘in-joke’ or something re the word (to make his behaviour sound less bizarre) and blame it on alcohol. And grovel.

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