DH should APOLOGISE to neighbours

[TheBadNeighbour]

Had a small bbq last night and invited neighbour round who came with her two kids (aged 11 and 9). DH has had a lot to drink. I had also been drinking but was not drunk.
For context, I have aspergers and tend to repeat phrases I’ve heard. DH hates it and always picks me up on it but I don’t always realise I’m doing it.
Neighbour commented on the chicken and said it was nice, I told her the recipe and used a word that upset DH and so he flung his head back, screamed out the word and then hurled his can of beer into the air (showering neighbour with beer) before running around the garden repeating it over and over. Neighbour was gobsmacked and the eldest boy said “is he drunk??”. I was so embarrassed. Neighbour knows I have aspergers so doesn’t pick me up on words I use etc so she had no idea why he’d acted like that. She left shortly afterwards making an awkward joke about needing to get changed. I’m supposed to be meeting her for a run today and I’ve heard nothing from her and dare not contact her. DH won’t apologise as he says “we were all drunk” but we wasn’t! Just him!

AF as usual makes a post short, sweet and bang on the point.

@MaxNormal I knew what you meant, as I think most people here did, it was obvious you wouldn't have found it funny had the OP been hit. I found that slapstick bit quite funny and ridiculous, what an absolute tit the OP's husband must have looked.

Aside from that, being drunk is not an excuse and the fact he is so desperate to minimise it to the point of blatantly lying, shows he's a coward too. He needs help, you should never have to pick up the pieces after he has chosen to get in this state. I'd consider leaving, or chucking him out until he's sorted himself out.

Your DH does not sound emotionally stable; and I'll bet that drinking just brings this out. His behaviour feels manic.

we heard a bang and the dogs started attacking him and neighbour asked if he was ok

The neighbour wasn't asking if he was OK - she was saying "Karma."

so he's acted really oddly in front of one of your few friends? Nothing you did caused that behaviour. I agree with pp, you say he has form for bad behaviour when drunk - so he needs to limit himself better.

He sounds bloody awful and clearly is a problem drinker.

He needs to quit drinking for one thing.

Two things here.

1. He gets angry when he's drunk. He shouldn't be drinking, then.

1. Context from being on the spectrum and with a partner who is as well; just how often do you repeat yourself? You say you watch a lot of videos of this person - are we talking a video a day, or are we talking they're on a constant loop where he hears them morning, noon and night, followed by you repeating particular phrases for the period between watching them and going to sleep, only to start again from the moment you wake up?

DP goes through stages of watching various stuff like that - with the effect that I now detest every single show/movie, including ones that I would have said were my favourites, along with certain YouTube channels. It will be the only thing I hear coming from the TV, his laptop and his earphones for a month or more at a time, morning, noon and night.

Quite frankly, if he started repeating phrases from them as well, I'd likely feel stressed - I don't drink much and if I do, I'm not an arsehole, but (thanks to the ASD making me super sensitive to repetition, patterns and constant noise), I'd probably be quite annoyed. I'm also one of those who says 'vacuum cleaner', not a brand name. Because it's not a bloody Hoover unless that's what it says on the casing.

1. Using the phrase 'attacking' to describe the dogs's behaviour. Do you mean that - or do you mean they decided to clamber all over him because they thought it was a game? If they're actually attacking a member of the family when they're incapacitated, that isn't a great thing, as it could apply when somebody falls over for other reasons, trips or is ill, and using the word otherwise could be misconstrued if it were to be overhead or used in front of somebody else, 'Our dogs attacked Dad when he fell over', as they'd visualise biting and a potential risk to children.

I'm not trying to say that he isn't in the wrong for reacting as he did - drinking if somebody turns into a dick when drunk is fucking stupid. But there could be a context where he is finding something you do almost like a form of torture - if the audio from the videos is normally audible, I'd suggest you use a good pair of headphones, wireless are easier, and try to be aware of when you are becoming particularly repetitive.

@skybluee what would you call someone who’s come onto a thread like this just to correct the OP’s grammar, and then laugh at it?

AF put it better than I ever could

In my opinion he should go to AA, his drinking is causing a real problem, if it wasn't for the alcohol he wouldn't be like that from what your saying OP?
He's in denial also from the sounds of it.
What he is doing when drunk isnt normal, he has a problem. I'm sorry op

Your husband knows he can be a twat when he drinks but he still does it. He should be apologising to you as well as the neighbour. How often does he drink too much like this?

@TheBadNeighbour

Don't laugh at yourself OP you sound lovely.

To be honest his behaviour is more worrying than anything else - it sounds batshit. And attention seeking.

If he can switch from normal to this level of batshit so quickly then I'd be worried about what he is capable of doing in a "moment of madness" situation.

This and the Christmas tree incidents both have elements of violence to them, that kind of mindless rage is not a normal element of being drunk. And if it is normal for him being drunk then he should know his limits and stick to them.

If I was the neighbour or another guest at the hotel watching then I would have felt a bit scared to be honest.

Please don't second guess yourself or blame your aspergers - you are not misunderstanding or overreacting to the situation. If anything you're under reacting.

Poor you OP this must be really stressful

Your dh is vile.. fit for divorce papers and that’s it. He’s nasty.

I also wondered about coke - and I'm saying this as an ex addict - this kind of instant reflect behaviour sounds like a lot of the people I used to hang out with.

Not at all saying it's definitely relevant to him but something worth considering if he - Always has a cold / disappears to the bathroom when socialising / has really bad hangovers (actually come downs) / suddenly becomes irresponsible and reckless when usually seemingly fairly sensible day to day.

*instant reflex behaviour

Definitely more than alcohol at play here...
Poor you, being married to such a twat.

OP, don't worry about apologies.

This is not normal behaviour.

This is just awful.

He is abusive and nasty.

Please don't have children with him.

Please make plans to move.

He sounds like scum.

No wonder your neighbour left.

Awful behaviour.

Protect yourself.

This is not acceptable behaviour.

@DoneLikeAKipper - as an aside, lovely weekend here in Gloucestershire, so not wet everywhere.
Op, I do wonder if he is fully aware of what he's doing, and using alcohol as an excuse. He sounds as if he deliberately tries to spoil pleasant occasions for you, your bbq, a trip to the Shard, trip to Dublin etc. If my oh behaved like this - well, he wouldn't be my oh anymore. It is just horrible behaviour designed to demean and embarrass you.

What on earth does he drink to make him act like this?
Sounds to me like some mixing of chemicals is going on here OP.

He needs to stop drinking if he can't handle it. Sounds a total fuck wit. I doubt he'll apologise. I guess in this situation I'd apologise for him, not that you should have to....but just to try and smooth any awkwardness over.

Omg how embarrassing for you! What an awful man - especially as he can’t even grow the balls to apologise to the poor neighbour who had to witness this twattery or to you who deals with this humiliation regularly it seems!!!!

I watch a lot of Joe Wicks’ videos on insta and do refer to coconut oil as Lucy sometimes, my DH just rolls his eyes and passes it over - which is a normal response. Not to act like you’ve been fucking possessed running around spraying beer everywhere.

It sounds so ridiculous but honestly, his behaviour shows so much disrespect towards you, especially as you say you don’t have many friends. Someone who takes the piss out of you in front of the few people you like is not someone that cares about you.

He should openly apologise to your neighbour friend for this bad behaviour. But now you have added other things like a squashed kebab in the Shard,and the Christmas tree in Dublin,it's all very odd behaviour indeed.Is this all usually after drinking copious amounts of booze.?

the dogs started attacking him

Dogs tend to read things that we don't. It's odd to have family dogs attacking a family member. In all honestly I would listen to your dogs. They don't like him when he's like this.

I'd have a serious think about what this reveals OP. It's nasty behaviour that seems to come out when he's drunk and alcohol is a disinhibitor, so you may be seeing his true colours. I'd tell him to stop drinking if this is how he behaves when he does. If you feel you cannot discuss this with him then you have another problem.

OP your DH needs to stop drinking because he has a problem. It’s not normal to behave that way when drunk and if you can't handle your drink you have a responsibility not to drink.
How embarrassing for you and frightening for your neighbours DC.

What @Dippypippy1980 said totally -

I honestly don’t see how you calling the document oil by the brand name is irritating, or anything to do with your Aspergers

Your husband is a strange little man, who can’t hold his drink and has a mean streak

You aren't seeing this situation clearly at all OP.

Using a brand name, even repeating it, is perfectly ok. Even if your husband finds it irritating that is just bad luck. Normal human behaviour requires us all to put up with minor irritations without behaving like a mannerless oaf.

The fact you even mention your Aspbergers here makes me worry that you have been the subject of this bullying abuse for so long that you in some way think its your fault. It really is not

It's not in any way. The incident you describe with the Christmas tree is more of the same. This is your husbands problem not yours and his behaviour is not acceptable.

He shouldn't just be apologising to the neighbour he should be apologising to you for what sounds like years of verbal abuse and poor inexcusable behaviour.