To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

[TravellingSpoon]

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

Wow, that really is low. What a contemptible excuse for a man. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship if I were you.

So it’s ok for him to go on a trip by himself, but not for you? What a selfish tosser of a man.

He really sounds most unpleasant.
However, assuming you go on your trip by yourself - which you absolutely should - please make sure you have back up childcare arranged as I can see your DH being "unable" to fulfil his obligations and not telling you until the last m minute.

Thank you. I don't really know how I feel, I am a bit shocked because I have never seen this side to him.

Will have to have a long hard think about what happens next.

Just ask him straight up. Does he have a problem looking after the dc on his own?

Oh dear. What a prat.

Ignore his ‘plans’. But insist none of it comes from family money.

If he’s got enough spare to save fur Australia AND an extra expensive trip like you’re planning, whilst you’ve had to scrimp and save, then there is much more out of whack than just his hurt feelings about a trip.

'Oh, how lovely - there are tons of atheists who go on pilgrimage who receive the gift of God's grace whilst they're there - you could come back full of God's love! It can be quite a shock to somebody who has been an atheist for so long to suddenly realise their entire life has been a lie, though, so perhaps you'd better prepare for the experience by going to Mass and learning about it. Shall I ask at Church if anybody's available to counsel/guide you on your path to God?'

[screeching noise of feet rapidly backtracking]

Have you had weekends away with friends or alone etc and he has stayed home with dc?

Yes I have been away with friends twice, but both these coincided with DS being away with school.

I'm fairness to DH, DS can be very difficult and he does struggle with him, but that makes the fact he is willing to palm him off to MIL who has never looked after him for more than a couple of hours more moronic.

And that he is happy for you to do solo parenting for his many trips.

DS behaves differently with me, I can manage him better and his behaviour isn't as extreme because I can understand his verbal communication better so he gets less frustrated. I looked after DS by myself when DH worked away for years so we have a better connection.

Well then it sounds like dh needs to start to learn.

Luckily you have plenty of time from now til your trip for him to get used to ds style.

But being main carer to a disabled child it is vital you have adequate support to get some respite. If his own father cannot manage him whilst you are away, then there is a big problem.

Don't back down on this. It's not fair on you, and it wouldn't be fair on your DS2, your DS1 or your MIL.

Are you now considering cancelling your trip then?

OK, so it's starting to sound like the main reason DH wants to come with you is not to ruin your solo trip but because he's nervous about looking after DC on his own for 2 weeks?

Actually I find that more understandable. I mean of course he should be able to look after DC on his own, but it's better than the first reason which would have been simply spiteful.

Don't cancel your trip OP, but is there anything DH can put in place to help him while you're away? Someone to come in and help a bit? I know he shouldn't need this, but maybe he is genuinely daunted about his ability to cope.

What a brat!

Please dont cancel your trip and please dont let him go.

I know from experience with own dc that children with additional needs can be tiring but hes his fucking dad, and needs to step up ffs.

No way i could be married to a petty arsehole like that.

There’s feeling daunted, and there’s being an asshole. Don’t let them get confused - I can see him coming round and saying I didn’t mean to sound like that, I was just nervous about looking after ds... and you need to reply since when does feeling nervous entitle you to be an asshole to me? I feel nervous about our whole relationship right now so I guess I can be an asshole to you for the foreseeable, that’s how it works isn’t it?
If he went on your trip first I would think we are over.

Well, he might well be feeling ‘daunted’ but at that point, a decent man/husband/father would think “right, I had better start trying to communicate better with my own child as I am going to have solo care of him whilst my wife goes on her long-planned for, long saved-for trip”. He would not react like a petulant toddler throwing his toys out of the pram and being spiteful and sulking!

I concur with a pp - is there any way you can sort some sort of back-up plan with regards to child-care? You need something in place incase your dh takes his spite so far as to suddenly invent an excuse as to why he cannot look after the children.

Feeling daunted is one thing. But have that conversation and put strategies in place. Don’t act like an almighty bell end and try and weasel in on the OPs longed for pilgrimage.

I think perhaps those who think he’s daunted are being too kind.

Completely agree @Sexnotgender. I'm constantly astounded at how often men are 'let off the hook' with excuses like this. 'Daunted' looking after your own children? Why should that be daunting? Why is it accepted that women are 'just better' at child care? When my DC were young, I was working longer hours than my (then!) 'D'H so how or why exactly, should I have been 'just better' than him? I was...as it happened...he was a useless twat...but the difference is I didn't accept his excuses or pander to his inadequacies. I divorced him instead and got on with my life 🤷‍♀️

If a Father is 'daunted' by 'Parenting' then he's not fit to have the title 'Father' bestowed on him. It's really that simple. A Father (capital 'F') takes on just as much of the parenting as a Mother 🤷‍♀️

OP...I hope your OH steps up and stops disengaging from his responsibilities. I also hope that he starts showing you some respect and that you actually start demanding it...because it sounds like respect is lacking here.

Amen to that @northernknickers

Why are you even with him? He sounds awful.

What a dick