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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

174 replies

TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 09:53

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 28/07/2019 10:55

“Aah, it’s lovely that you want to come with me, but this trip is something I have to do alone because of the spiritual significance. Shall we plan a trip / hol to do together?”.

And stick to your guns. “No, I have planned this as a solo trip for 2 years”

Fuckface7 · 28/07/2019 11:03

Definitely not BU. I'd be very pissed off if my DH tried to hijack a trip I wanted to go on for so long.

RosaWaiting · 28/07/2019 11:23

YANBU at all

is he prone to "announcements"?!

Pollaidh · 28/07/2019 11:31

Go without him, but also reconsider how you manage your finances. I recognise the need to be independent, but there comes a time when, perhaps after your salary has taken a dive due to ML, or going part-time, you have to make sure his money is also considered yours. Whilst keeping finances separate makes sense when it's just a casual relationship, or even married pre-children (possibly), it's ridiculous in a married couple that one is "rich" and one is "poor".

Why are you poorer than him? Have you lost out on promotions due to being pregnant or on ML, have you gone down to PT or stayed in a lower paid job so that you can work school hours etc? Are you the one who always picks up sick kids and does most of the housework? If so, his money is not his, it's family money. Even if that's not the case, in a married couple, it would be expected to pool resources.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 28/07/2019 11:32

YANBU is all I can say .

Elision · 28/07/2019 11:34

He realised he’ll be alone cooking his own meals and washing his own pants, is my guess.

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 11:39

Maybe he’s worried about you. You know, there are kind DHs out there.

I went on hols alone many years ago and both my parents and my DH (bf at the time) worried the whole time I was away.

avalanching · 28/07/2019 11:41

@VenusTiger I agree, I do find it weird how mumsnet is so quick to assume controlling abusive type and not consider other possibilities like the fact he would like to spend time with her, or perhaps he's worried like you say.

JacquesHammer · 28/07/2019 11:45

other possibilities like the fact he would like to spend time with her

Of course he could have invited her on his solo trip to Australia if he wanted to spend some time with her!

hopeishere · 28/07/2019 11:45

Are you walking the Camino?

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 11:48

@avalanching it’s getting tedious at times reading between the bile. There’s always some good advice on here and some I’d never have thought of myself, but sometimes it really does seem like a witch-hunt!

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 11:49

@VenusTiger

Maybe he is worried about you. There are SOME kind DH's out there.

That's not what's happening here. The DH is controlling and manipulative. He wants to have HIS fun, and HIS little jollies, but can't stand his wife (the OP) enjoying HER life.

He isn't 'kind' at all, and he is not worried about her. He wants his own way; pure and simple.

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 11:51

Anyone who thinks the OP's DH is just being 'kind' and thoughtful is as naive as the day is long.

HE can have his fancy (expensive) trips on his OWN, but won't allow HER on her trip that SHE has organised AND paid for, unless HE tags along. OK then!!! Confused

Sirzy · 28/07/2019 11:53

Go on your own.

But maybe when you have both funded your upcoming trips you could look to plan something just the two of you?

PurpleSproutingSomething · 28/07/2019 11:54

Yes, if you're doing the Camino I hope you have a most wonderful time, I imagine going on your own will be very reflective and enlightening.

CatteStreet · 28/07/2019 11:59

VenusTiger, how did you know your parents and bf were worried? Presumably they told you so. The 'kind' thing to do, assuming they were actually worried, would have been to darn well keep it to themselves so as not to burden you with guilt/worry about them worrying.
I take it you didn't repeat your solo holiday, after having worried them so much. The cynic in me wonders if that was exactly the result they wanted.

Lifecraft · 28/07/2019 11:59

it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist

Is it just me who doesn't understand how anyone can marry someone who has a completely different world view? We're not talking about leaving the loo seat up or one preferring white bread whilst the other likes brown. But the origin of the world, why we're here and where we're going!!! The meaning / point of life, if there is one.

avalanching · 28/07/2019 12:00

@bingbongnoise oh get a grip, we don't even know what he's said to OP yet, if he insists after her saying no then yes he's being a dick, at this stage he's just suggested it, we don't know why, your assumption is no more informed than anyone else's. I don't agree with how they do their money either but that's down to the OP and her DH, maybe she's being manipulated, or maybe they haven't thought about it in enough depth as to what is fair, plenty of people think separate money is fair (I don't). It doesn't always mean coercion, their DS isn't his that always complicated family finances more i think.

@VenusTiger it's very said, I can only assume many of these women have had bad experiences with men and it tarnishes all their thought processes. I am a very proud feminist but Jesus some of the vitriol on these forums is tedious indeed.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/07/2019 12:03

HE can have his fancy (expensive) trips on his OWN, but won't allow HER on her trip that SHE has organised AND paid for, unless HE tags along. OK then!!!

His trips might not have been expensive, he's staying with family and friends on all occasions, and OP hasn't said that he wanted to go alone, just that he did. She may not like those friends, or want to visit those countries...

But I have no idea if he's a controlling knob who is muscling in on her trip, or if he's just suggested he'd like to go too because he's interested. OP would be the best judge. I prefer visiting places with my DF but if I didn't want him to come, I'd just tell him, no drama.

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 12:04

@avalanching

Why don't YOU get a grip.

Most people can see what the OP's DH is like, and just because you can't isn't my problem. Like I said 'naive to the extreme!'

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 12:06

@avalanching and @VenusTiger YOU may both be OK with men behaving like the OP's DH - manipulative and controlling, but I and many others here are NOT.

I feel sorry for you that you think this behaviour is acceptable.

upple · 28/07/2019 12:12

Lifecraft, lots of happy couples have different beliefs, surely you know that.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2019 12:17

Presumably you’re going on some sort of pilgrimage, I’d have no qualms in telling my ‘vocally atheist’ husband; no, he is not joining you on this trip.

If he wants a romantic trip away with you, he can organise something separately.

Altho the cynic in me is with the pp’s who think he sounds controlling.

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 12:17

Whatever 🙄🙄 too long in the tooth for this crap. Been with my DH 20 years this year.

And my parents and bf were worried about me because that’s normal fucking behaviour when your 20 year old daughter goes to Turkey on her own. No it didn’t stop me, no it didn’t make me think twice, no it didn’t make me feel burdened or guilty and no it wouldn’t have stopped me going again. I did post recently that the hotel photographer followed me and kept harassing me the whole bloody time, maybe that’s what put me off going there again. My loved ones are free to worry about me, it doesn’t make them controlling FFS.

DecomposingComposers · 28/07/2019 12:18

Have you lost out on promotions due to being pregnant or on ML, have you gone down to PT or stayed in a lower paid job so that you can work school hours etc?

But it sounds like the child is DH step child.

Op, are you taking DC on this trip too?