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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

174 replies

TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 09:53

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/07/2019 09:34

Yes, if leaving your disabled DS is a problem, how did he think it was going to work if he also went on your trip?
TheRedBarrow put it well as the statement for telling him no. Go alone and have a wonderful time.

rookiemere · 29/07/2019 10:13

The religious aspect is a red herring. Could be a hobby instead. The facts are that the DH has had a number of solo trips of his choosing and now OP wants one for her. They have a disabled DC so it seems unlikely the whole family could come anyway. He needs to be told that for once OP is putting herself first and doing the significant trip on her own.

Lifecraft · 29/07/2019 10:43

The religious aspect is a red herring

It's two red herrings, and five loaves.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 29/07/2019 10:43

I disagree that he wants to come because he thinks it sounds exciting. I think he’s realised that he’s going to be responsible for all childcare while you’re away, and if he comes on the trip then the childcare defaults to being your problem to sort out.

TheRedBarrows · 29/07/2019 12:02

“Different religions is one thing. You both believe in god. But a religious person and an atheist, that's a recipe for disaster. Two completely opposing world views.”

What total nonsense. And quite offensive, really.

wingardium8 · 29/07/2019 12:27

Why not assume he has good intentions and has just got excited because your trip sounds so amazing? By all means tell him that you're going alone because that's what you want/have planned/it's not significant to him plus he gets his own solo trips, but I don't see what assuming him to be controlling or malicious about it will gain you.

So no, I don't think YABU, but he is more likely to be thoughtless (I'm guessing you'd be left with the job of finding 2 weeks of suitable care for your DC) than controlling.

PPs are free to call me naive too. I prefer to assume good (if misguided) intentions in people - it can be quite offensive to assume the worst, not to mention destructive to relationships.

Lifecraft · 29/07/2019 13:25

What total nonsense. And quite offensive, really.

Wow, you must be very easily offended.

BlueSkiesLies · 29/07/2019 13:29

I disagree that he wants to come because he thinks it sounds exciting. I think he’s realised that he’s going to be responsible for all childcare while you’re away, and if he comes on the trip then the childcare defaults to being your problem to sort out.

Totally agree.

Stick to your (solo) guns OP

Sexnotgender · 29/07/2019 13:30

Different religions is one thing. You both believe in god. But a religious person and an atheist, that's a recipe for disaster. Two completely opposing world views

Don’t talk nonsense. I’m more agnostic than atheist but I’m married to an actual minister and guess what? We manage just fine as we’re grown ups and respect each other’s views.

NameChangeNugget · 29/07/2019 13:32

YANBU, he’s being an epic twat

Alconleigh · 29/07/2019 13:36

Yeah don't let him crash your trip OP. Not on at all. And yes to the sidebar conversation, parents who bang on about their worries about their children travelling are out of order. Being worried is of course natural. Sharing it, and putting it on the child, is not. And it doesn't necessarily stop with independence, my dad went on about how worried he was about me travelling, get this, round Spain. (😒) at......41 years old (😒😒). I was livid. So selfish, and very typical of him to make himself central in someone else's experience.

Cambionome · 29/07/2019 13:39

It's two red herrings and five loaves

Just snorted out loud at this! Grin

northernknickers · 29/07/2019 13:42

@Lifecraft my atheist sister is happily married to a CofE vicar. Has been for 25 years. They EVEN have children 😱 Stop the press!

LightDrizzle · 29/07/2019 13:44

OP I’m not religious but love Santiago de Compostela and the sight of the many pilgrims is very moving.
Travelling alone is amazing for meeting people, so much more so I imagine when you are sharing such a journey and goal.

Have your DP there will change the dynamic, even if he is respectful of the beliefs of your fellow pilgrims, if he can’t resist showing off his superior intellectual rigour in debating against theism, then he would be a right PITA.
I’m an atheist too, but crashing a group of Christians on a pilgrimage is as tedious as an omnivore crashing a vegan festival and banging on about how we’ve evolved as omnivores/ problems with monocultures etc.
Stick to your guns.

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 13:46

YANBU. He has solo trips so you should too.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/07/2019 13:52

If he has gone on solo trips ask him why he hasnt taken you. Then tell him thats the same reason your not taking him.
To be fair I think he is being incredible selfish and rude

Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 29/07/2019 14:22

He brought it up again last night and asked me if I was serious about him not coming, to which I replied that I was. Asked him about what he planned to do with DS and he said that our DS1 and his mum could watch him (this wouldn't be acceptable for me but obviously DH is okay with it). He said I could have come to Aus if I could have got the time off work (not true at all). And that I am being selfish and only thinking about myself. He has now decided that he will be planning his own trip before mine 🙄

We haven't spoken since!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/07/2019 14:29

So what if he does. He can go on his own trip and you go on yours. So that's a good result I would say.

Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 29/07/2019 14:50

His own version of the trip I want to do. Which is just spiteful.

OP posts:
northernknickers · 29/07/2019 14:53

Wow OP! That's really, really mean!!! Your DH is being a twat!

LightDrizzle · 29/07/2019 14:58

What a child!

ALittleBitAlexis · 29/07/2019 14:58

I'd tell him that from now on I'm going to have a solo trip for every one he takes - there's no reasonable objection he can make and it might make him think twice about getting petty!

CatteStreet · 29/07/2019 15:02

Oh dear. He's making it very clear, OP, that solo trips are for him to take whenever he feels like it, but not for you, because your role is to take on all the childcare and not even think about doing anything for yourself and especially not about expecting him to do any of said childcare.

I think you need to think about what this says about him, and what you will do if he really goes ahead with taking the trip before you (would this also involve taking money you would need for your trip?). Because doing this is his way of putting you in (what he sees as) your place. (Maybe he hopes the threat will be enough to make you cave and take him along. Don't).

Fairenuff · 29/07/2019 15:03

He's just bluffing. But let him get on with it. Just say, that's nice dear and ignore his posturing.

Seeingadistance · 29/07/2019 15:04

Wow! That's just nasty!