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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

174 replies

TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 09:53

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

OP posts:
CalmFizz · 29/07/2019 15:05

Your atheist husband is planning to organise and go on a religious pilgrimage trip before you do, out of spite? That’s not the action of a nice person.

number1wang · 29/07/2019 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 29/07/2019 15:13

I don't think it trumps your holiday if he does it first. I don't think he will enjoy and tbh I don't think he will even go. He's just trying to bully you. Ignore him and continue planning your solo trip. But do put away the money you have saved somewhere safe so that he doesn't use it.

Cohle · 29/07/2019 15:16

Your atheist husband is planning to organise and go on a religious pilgrimage trip before you do, out of spite? That’s not the action of a nice person.

I totally agree. I'm guessing this isn't the first example of him behaving like this.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2019 15:18

Has he always been such a twat ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2019 15:18

His own version of the trip I want to do. Which is just spiteful.

He wants you in your box. And when you try to get out, he acts like an enormous arsehole.

How often do you prioritise yourself? Almost never? How often does he?

jay55 · 29/07/2019 15:19

I imagine you will not be available for childcare when he decides to take his spite trip. Utter cockweasel.

AskMeHow · 29/07/2019 15:21

What a petulant, mean person your husband is!

He doesn't want you to enjoy your trip at all, does he? You won't let him spoil it by coming along, so now he's trying to sabotage it by 'doing it first'. Clearly the religious purpose of the trip is totally lost on him Confused

What a wankmodule.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 15:29

why do stay with him OP?
He's repeatedly made it clear via his words and actions that he considers you a lesser person and he's happy to abuse you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 29/07/2019 15:37

He wants you in your box. And when you try to get out, he acts like an enormous arsehole.

This^^

I suspect he planned early on to not let you (in his mind) go on your own but kept quiet as he happily let you scrimp and save for years for this one thing for just you,then when your plans started to become 'real' he's dropped this on you. He sounds controlling and nasty. And I wouldn't be surprised that having to look after his own DC for once is part of his wanting to come.

7yo7yo · 29/07/2019 15:58

Absolute twat.
Tell the abusive twat to piss of.
Things will escalate op. Be prepared for him to sabotage your trip in anyway he can.

Apolloanddaphne · 29/07/2019 16:09

He is being very childish and spiteful.

MrsMozartMkII · 29/07/2019 16:10

He's being an arse on more than one count.

K1ssIt · 29/07/2019 16:17

Wonder if the people defending him at the start of the thread and had a pop at posters correctly flagging it him maybe trying to control her have changed their minds now?

centrifugal · 29/07/2019 17:43

Wow.....what an utter twat he is being! I'd use your solo trip to think about going solo on a permanent basis.

Ratonastick · 29/07/2019 18:03

I’ve walked part of the Camino, only about 120km over a week. It’s a very spiritual experience. Strangely it’s not necessarily religious, though for many people the religious side is key, but very much an awakening and a time for deep reflection about your life and choices. I would recommend reading a book called Spanish Steps by Tim Moore, which is pitched as a humorous travel book but definitely gets the deeper meaning. Many people say it changes them, it may change you. Good luck to you.

catsmother · 29/07/2019 18:04

Sad to say, I think he doesn't want sole responsibility for your disabled child.

So is now having a spiteful tantrum in 'retaliation' for the dreadful expectation that he look after his own child. Like you do when he takes off on his own. Your poor child.

Like you having the temerity to do something nice and meaningful for yourself is getting real and he wants to take the shine off it. It's as if you're being put in your place because you have ideas abive your station and have dared to say no to him (reasonably). He's attempting to punish you.

He's not a nice man. I'm sorry.

ToPlanZ · 29/07/2019 18:05

I think I would tell him that if he can't respect your desire to also have solo trips and behave as an autonomous person, and if he continues to try to be so controlling and spiteful by insinuating he will do your planned trip that you've saved so hard for first, that he would be very much be doing it as a single man.

He's definitely trying to stamp his authority on you.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 29/07/2019 18:13

Your husband is being the biggets wank stain imaginable! He is purposefully trying to sour this experience for you and try to ruin it. Let him go ahead and book his own trip - if he tries to talk about it, shut him down. He will not get the same joy out if as you will as his belief is not the same. I think after this OP you really need to consider if you want to stay married to such a selfish, childish cockwomble!

frazzledasarock · 29/07/2019 18:17

If he goes ahead with his threat OP, plan your pilgrimage as if you’re single. Try and ensure you have back up care for your children so you don’t have to cancel if your H refuses to parent.

And if he does go before you do, use the time to see solicitors and work out a plan to leave your H.

If he doesn’t go ahead with threat, and I don’t think he will, he expects you to relent and agree to him going with you otherwise he will sulk and strop & probably whilst you are away he will constantly call you to tell you how bad a time your children are having without you and make you feel guilty.

I’d use the pilgrimage to reassess your relationship and what you want out of life for yourself and your children.

Missingstreetlife · 29/07/2019 18:26

What's he up to in Asia?

Missingstreetlife · 29/07/2019 18:30

Just seen your update. Empty joint account and take dc on holiday now. Still go on your solo trip. Your husband is a pig.

hazell42 · 29/07/2019 18:36

At least now you have cast iron proof that your husband is a knob.
Trouble is, now you know, what do you do about it

IndieTara · 29/07/2019 18:39

Finding out what your OH is really like is always a big shock. Hope you're ok OP

Banjodancer · 29/07/2019 18:40

Has anyone noticed that the OP said he always has more money (ie personal spending money) than she does? How is that fair? If you pool money to pay bills etc whatever you leave over for each person should be equal!
I've had a couple of solo trips this year (just weekends, Europe) and dh hasn't, but I consider it balances out because of all the weekends he go away to watch football games.