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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

174 replies

TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 09:53

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 28/07/2019 10:20

sounds like a fun trip yeah right, the OP has already said its a religious type of holiday, her DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it - where's the fun in that for the OP. He has not asked he has announced

SandyY2K · 28/07/2019 10:20

YANBU

Tell him you're going alone. Just as he has done on numerous occasions.

number1wang · 28/07/2019 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 28/07/2019 10:24

We do solo trips! It’s fab. You don't stop having individual interests just because you marry/cohabit? I do mine with mates but partner goes alone and loves it. So cathartic to get away.

Stand your ground. He does solo trips and should respect yours.

Zebraaa · 28/07/2019 10:24

@TheWernethWife ok sorry, LTB Hmm

Playmytune · 28/07/2019 10:27

Where is it you are going to op?
If it is Lourdes or Medjugorje I can’t see how it would be any fun for him. However if it were to Rome, or Mecca, I can see why he would want to go.

I would say he can come, but only if he agrees that you can go on his solo trips!

FamilyOfAliens · 28/07/2019 10:27

Actually, he’s only announced that he thinks you should do it together.

So you can announce right back that you’re going alone, as has always been the plan.

But I’m puzzled about the “not family money” thing - if you’re married, isn’t it all family money, including the money spent on all his solo trips?

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/07/2019 10:28

Is it Oberammergau OP? Where ever it is (never mind something that only happens every 10 yrs) tell him a firm no.

Have a great time :)

Fairenuff · 28/07/2019 10:28

YANBU

But will he accept your decision?

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 10:29

Gentle nothing. Do you expect me along on all of your trips? Where’s my ticket for Australia? Frankly this trip is for me to do x and no one who isn’t also keen on that is coming, including you. I’ve saved for years... which brings me to another point. Our finances are very unequal!
Not my idea of married tbh. (The finances part, a FAIR amount of solo trips is totally ok. I went to Paris this year on my own, I told dh he can’t come and I would be unhappy if he organised his own trip to Paris too, as it just shows me that he genuinely doesn’t think I should get treats he doesn’t - he’s had a trip away on his own every year since we had kids and I haven’t had any. So this one is for me and he doesn’t get to ‘match’ it, as that shows his idea of fair is he gets everything I get plus some and suddenly its a crappy marriage for me to be in. He got it.)

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 10:31

@TravellingSpoon

YANBU of course. Couples don't have to be joined at the hip. However, I would never go on an actual holiday without my DH though. (And he never would without me.) Maybe a day trip, but not a week or two away (and not abroad.) Doesn't mean others can't/shouldn't, but it's not for us.

Don't cave. I agree with @TheWernethWife that he IS being a bit controlling. And people trying to shut that point down can just be quiet, because wernethwife DOES have a point. Anyone reading the OP's posts who can't see her DH is being somewhat controlling needs to give their head a wobble. Of COURSE he is.

Also wonder (like a pp) if he is able to afford solo trips to Asia and Australia, how come YOU have had to save yourself out of your low wage for YOUR trip?

Do you not pool finances?

He is trying to piggyback on your trip, and manipulate you into letting him come along. I bet he won't allow you on HIS trip. If he DID, he would probably want you to pay your own way.....Hmm Also, why does he want to go on a Religious trip if he is a non-believer?

As a few others have said, separate finances, and solo trips, sounds very weird (to me) for a married couple. This isn't the first time I have read a thread like this over this past day or two. Some couples seem to lead separate lives.

It concerns me that it's often the higher earner who is making sure it stays this way, and it's usually the MAN (obviously so he doesn't have to share HIS money.)

Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 10:32

We do have family holidays but have never been away together just the two of us, as I already had DS when we met.

We do have joint finances and have an amount each to spend each month. DH has been to Asia to stay with friends and family and is planning a trip to aus to stay with a friend. So he only pays for his flights. Mine is a guided 14 day tour so is quite pricey. I am not hard done by.

OP posts:
Original poster
TravellingSpoon · 28/07/2019 10:35

By joint finances I mean a joint account for bills and then an amount each left over. His is larger than mine but its always been like that and it's how it is, but he pays a larger proportion if the bills. Its extremely important for me to be financially independent and pay for my own things,even if it takes a long while.

OP posts:
Orangeballon · 28/07/2019 10:36

Be your own person, do this for yourself.

Mascarponeandwine · 28/07/2019 10:38

Presumably the location is somewhere overseas, interesting and cool that he fancies visiting. Assuming you’re UK based, I can’t imagine he would make the same declaration if you were planning a tour of a place in the uk. Bet he doesn’t care about the religious significance of it for you?

Oly4 · 28/07/2019 10:40

Yanbu. I take solo trips and there’s NO way DH would be coming. Just say no!!

Ferfeckssake · 28/07/2019 10:40

I do this regularly. Sometimes DH says he would like to come along.
A simple " No , I'd rather do this by myself. I wouldn't enjoy it the same " .

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/07/2019 10:42
  • @TheWernethWife controlling?*  he’s only asked to go with her.

If he's had solo trips himself and now trying to muscle in on her solo trip, I can see why some might consider it controlling.

Just say no. If he's vocal about being an atheist and this trip has religious significance for you I'd be very wary of him spoiling the trip for you. You've saved a long time for it so put your foot down now!

Zebraaa · 28/07/2019 10:42

This reply has been deleted

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Zebraaa · 28/07/2019 10:43

If my sister asked (or “announced” as the OP put it) if she could come on holiday with me, would that be controlling?

exexpat · 28/07/2019 10:45

You planned this as a solo trip, and it has special meaning for you, so you should do it solo.

If what your DH is really getting at is that he thinks it would be nice for you to have a holiday together, since you say you have never done that, then sit down and plan something different at another time that will be fun for both of you, even if it will be a while before you can find the time or money to do it.

When I would start worrying is if it becomes clear that he doesn't want you to go on a trip alone because he doesn't trust you to be away from him or doesn't think you should have any interests that don't include him.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 28/07/2019 10:45

Just say no.

My DH and I have lots of separate trips. We don't pool our money. And we do live separate lives as we're very much individuals with our own thoughts and interests. That doesn't mean we don't immensely enjoy and value our time together and our shared interests!

Alsohuman · 28/07/2019 10:47

Just say no. And stick to it.

SavingSpaces2019 · 28/07/2019 10:47

so would he be usingh his personal savings for this trip - or family money?
Either way, he's a cheeky bastard trying to hijack your trip.
This isn't about taking a holiday 'together', he has prioritised solo trips for himself instead of suggesting - and planning- a joint holiday.
Instead of going Australia by himself, why not make THAT a joint holiday?

This is about him not wanting you going away without him because he either doesn't trust you on some level or he feels entitled to having his cake and eating it.

don't let him hijack your trip OP.
It's going to be a long time, and more saving, before you get another chance.

He can afford all these solo trips because he has more money and isn't considering your position - your only solo trip be tuned into a joint holiday.
Don't let him use that excuse "oh i'll do my own thing when i'm there" cos that just won't work in reality.

avalanching · 28/07/2019 10:50

@TravellingSpoon "We do have family holidays but have never been away together just the two of us"

I think he's just saying he wants a trip with you, of course keep your solo trip, but maybe you could prioritise a trip alone as well if you can get the childcare. DH and I go away without the kids it's hugely important to us and very different to family holidays.

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