To say no to DH regarding solo trip.

[TravellingSpoon]

I have been planning a solo trip for ages, having been wanting to do it for as long as I can remember. I am on a low wage and have saved up so that I can go in September next year. I didn't wat to use family money for it because its just for me so it's taken a while.

DH announced last night that we thinks we should do it together. I am not particularly happy about this and doesn't really want him to come at all. I wanted this to be something that I did, it has religious significance to me whereas DH is an atheist and quite vocal about it.

DH has been on several lone trips to Asia and is planning one to Aus in late 2020. AIBU to say that I don't want him to come with me?

So, op, have you told him he can't come?

Are you worrying about how to tell him? Or have you already told him and he's batted it away?

Because you're not unreasonable at all to want to go on this trip alone and to stand firm on that (even if it didn't hold such religious significance for you, but especially because it does).

YANBU. I'm assuming you've supported DH decision to take solo trips, he should respect your decision to take a solo trip in return. Remind him of that.

Yes, worrying about your 20yo child on holiday alone is 'normal fucking behaviour' for a parent (not so sure about the bf, tbh), but what is also 'normal fucking behaviour' as a parent is to keep your worry to yourself (beyond giving - calm and general - safety tips before they go) so as not to clip their wings.

(And I've been with mine 22 years, if we're playing relationship-length top trumps for a reason I don't quite understand)

Lifecraft

Ridiculous comment. Lots of couples are differing views on many things. My dh and I are different religions and we both practice those religions, although not strictly. We’re very happy and respect each other’s beliefs.

Is it just me who doesn't understand how anyone can marry someone who has a completely different world view? We're not talking about leaving the loo seat up or one preferring white bread whilst the other likes brown. But the origin of the world, why we're here and where we're going!!! The meaning / point of life, if there is one.

I'm strongly atheist and I'm married to a religious man. We agree to disagree, compromise where necessary, and in fact have most moral points in common. Over our happy 20 years together I've come to appreciate the support religion can give some people, despite its downsides, and DH has moved much closer to my views on equality, gay marriage etc... Even within one sect of a religion there are multiple individual viewpoints and interpretations. If you talk to someone properly you often discover that your fundamental values aren't so far apart.

My 18 YO is DH's step son, he will be at uni by then. We have 2chiodten together who will be staying at home.

I haven't told him yet. I shot him down yesterday when he mentioned it and he looked a bit pissed off and sulked for a bit but hadn't mentioned it since. It's only been spoken about because I am planning on booking the tour part soon. I think he thinks it sounds exciting so he wants to come. I can't go to aus with him because I can't leave our DS who is disabled, and wouldn't be able to go, plus to get it cheap he is going in term time and I can't let the children take any more time off as we are already going on a family holiday to spain in term time.

Yes it's the Camino, from Porto.

Does he not want to be home with the children alone? I think he's trying to weasel his way out of what he considers to be wife work.

@Lifecraft, opposites attract, did you not know this? My bloke and I are complete opposite ends of the spectrum politically, he’s a Christian and I’m not. We’ve managed 21 years without coming to blows, with luck we’ll manage 21 more.

Does he not want to be home with the children alone? I think he's trying to weasel his way out of what he considers to be wife work.

My thought also. But he gets to do trips away from family, so it isn't unreasonable for you to do so too. I think you should go. Perhaps he could save his money for a nice weekend away for the two of you?

I don't understand OP. If he did go with you, who would look after the two children that are dependant on you?

Why are you even together?

Presumably he's going to be looking after disabled DS while you're on the solo trip. If he came too, what would happen with DS? Has he thought it through?

@CatteStreet your version of worrying is not mine. Worrying is caring in my family. It wasn’t openly worrying and my parents didn’t say they were worried, I could just tell. My bf didn’t say anything before I went either, but was relieved when I got back safe.
Go and bark up another tree, cos I’m not getting into a dispute about the meanings behind love, care and worry.

. I can't go to aus with him because I can't leave our DS who is disabled

So how can he leave DS to go on the Camino with you ?

My children certainly can't 'just tell' when I'm worried about them doing something new and exciting, because I make sure they don't notice :)

And it certainly isn't me equating degree of evident (open or otherwise, it can still be evident) worry with degree of love or care. Wasn't aware that parents who wave their dc off without a sign of evident worry don't love or care for them.

Ffs. It's none of anybody else's business why the OP is with him, what their financial and family arrangements are and how they reconcile their beliefs. The OP didn't ask for opinions on any of that.

OP stick to your guns and have the holiday you have saved for as you have planned.

Definitely sounds like he'd like to get out of looking after his children on his own.

Stick to your guns OP.
This is your trip.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'd be gentle and kind about it, but in no uncertain terms tell him that this is a trip you'll be going on alone.

Why does the OP have to be 'gentle' @HaileySherman ???

Sod that. She needs to tell him it's HER trip, and he is NOT coming!

He has HIS jollies and HIS trips WITHOUT HER so she is entitled to HER trips without him!

Yes, worrying about your 20yo child on holiday alone is 'normal fucking behaviour' for a parent (not so sure about the bf, tbh), but what is also 'normal fucking behaviour' as a parent is to keep your worry to yourself (beyond giving - calm and general - safety tips before they go) so as not to clip their wings.

Agreed. And Turkey?? Not even really. My dad actively encouraged me to go to China at the age of 18. I think they may have been a little bit worried when I backpacked alone through south-east Asia at 21 but they certainly never said it because they didn't want to put me off.

It is really not the same as your sister asking to go on holiday, and quite honestly the most obvious vitriol on this thread is yours.

YANBU at all. I hope you have an amazing time.

Lifecraft Ridiculous comment. Lots of couples are differing views on many things. My dh and I are different religions and we both practice those religions, although not strictly. We’re very happy and respect each other’s beliefs.

@LegionofDoom. Different religions is one thing. You both believe in god. But a religious person and an atheist, that's a recipe for disaster. Two completely opposing world views.

It works for us. It’s a complete non issue.

I'm in 2 minds about this 'atheist and believer' couple thing. I think it can work...

@Lifecraft and @Alsohuman

I am in 2 minds about an atheist, and a person with a belief in Christianity, being a couple. I think it depends on the individual people in the couple.

I know two couples who are like this (in both couples it''s the women who is the Christian.) Both women are pretty chilled and laid-back, and have their faith, and their love for Jesus, and they attend Church a couple of times a month, and do good deeds in the community, and are generally very nice people. They get on with non-believers, aren't homophobic, and aren't preachy. I call them 'Cool Christians...'

They get on really well with their non-believing husbands, and neither of them disrespect the other, or tell them they are 'wrong,'

Then I know a couple of other women who are OBSESSED with everything involving the Church, involved in everything, looking down their noses at people who don't attend every event (every time the Church is open,) quote the bible every time you talk to them sneer at people who 'use' the Church for their weddings and Christenings, and say being gay is a sin blah blah blah. Now THEY would never be seen DEAD with a husband who is a non-believer.

So as I said, whether it can work, is dependent on the individual people. There is no one-size-fits-all...