To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

It's tough or impossible to maintain your career and salary without childcare. My two are older and it's never recovered... you cannot predict if you'll have children with SN or not. Thats the luck of the draw.

Also - if DH buggers off, life becomes even smaller and more complicated (& skint).

Apart from that it's good :)

Being totally and utterly selfish and putting yourself first.

We’ve managed a holiday with ds and have booked one for next year with ds and dc2 (due tomorrow).

We take ds out for meals - someone mentioned that it means no Thai food etc. Our local Thai place is great with ds. And we loved it before we had him. They do him a very baby mild pad Thai or a baby mild curry. He eats. Makes a mess. Staff are great with him. He’ll be 2 in sept.

I wouldn’t take him to a fancy restaurant (although he’d be made welcome) but I would want to really enjoy the experience if we were paying for it and wouldn’t want to spoil other people’s experiences.

We have tried the cinema once. But won’t be going again as we both fell asleep 30 minutes Into the film!

Wear earrings (or any jewellery you care about) or did I just have two babies with very grabby hands?

No relaxing holidays by the pool/beach as always on watch out for their safety

No more cheap holidays once they start school

Not being able to watch or read anything that has children being abducted or hurt

Very little you actually can’t do in theory. But - whatever it is that you like to do- you have much less money (assuming you have to pay for childcare) and much less time to do anything. So basically you narrow your life. Unless you are very rich so you can afford unlimited help, and even then you have to be ok with having less time with your kids, in order to do other stuff.

It’ll be different for everyone basically how they’re impacted but for most people I’d just say, your life narrows.

It’s a totally acceptable price to pay of course! Mostly

I can't use tampons. Can't just work any job I want. But I'm fine with both those.

Orgasm through PIV sex.

You can't do want you want on a whim, and then when you do get the chance to do something you used to enjoy, you don't enjoy it any more.

So much doom and gloom here, even if most of it is probably lighthearted.

Special circumstances (mental or physical ill-health) aside, while you may have to put hobbies, sleep and date nights on the back burner for a short while, there is little to nothing you actually can't do after having children. How long the back burner phase lasts is largely down to your finances and support network, but even so you tend to be able to regain your old life after a few short years.

My youngest is 3 and life has just started gaining pace again. We go out with friends, have time to ourselves, the house looks like it used to and we have both taken up our hobbies again while working full-time. The time you are severely restricted doesn't last long at all.

I think you realistically need to write about two years of your social life (as you know it) off. It will change-we hung out with baby friends and family in those two years and our childless friends mire rarely. If you are mentally prepare for that it helps.
Plus yes al the stuff about not being able to be spontaneous etc.
After that, the way you think about stuff like holidays alters-so you might go where you want to go but will need to pick the child friends version to a large degree until they are teens at least and even then their needs usually need to trump yours a bit unless you want two weeks with a grumpy adolescent!

The biggest change for me was the endless worry and guilt. I think this seems to be largely particular to Mums, less felt by Dads.
Am I doing this right? I shouldn't be leaving them to go to work. I should be setting an example by working. I shouldn't allow my self this one night out because the baby needs me...etc etc...and that doesn't stop, the worries and reasons for feeling guilty change as they get older but are still there (for me anyway) . That's pretty tiring!

Like everyone has said OP, depends on your kids particular needs, how much money you've got, how much support you've got.

But also your own temperament and whether you are prepared to go with the flow.

I'm lucky- we can afford to do stuff and my partner is supportive. My kid is now two.

I started off thinking I could do pretty much anything (as long as not pissed). Babies are portable, right? Holidays and seeing mates, no problem.

A lot was possible, with planning, cash, the right equipment. I'm a planner and a worrier too.

The problem was I didn't enjoy a lot of it because I just couldn't relax. At all. Trendy bar balancing on teensy stool, trying to breastfeed- not fun. Flying to the other side of the world - not fun. Endless vomit etc whilst in stylish holiday cottage- not fun.

I now spend 90% of my weekends at the park or soft play, with other parents mostly. We are going on a caravan hol to Wales. I'm infinitely happier and more chilled because I can relax. It took time to get here. And acceptance. And my kid has bundles of his own personality now and watching him happy makes me happy.

The other 10% I make sure I do adult stuff when my partner has him. Climbing wall, gigs, mates, whatever floats your boat. Makes me feel like a grown up as well as just a mum.

Lie-ins. I’ve been lucky that my 3 year old still naps so I can chill out then but I really miss lie-ins. If we ever have the odd night of childcare we still wake up early out of pure habit.

Time for the two of us. We both manage to do things individually but my struggle to have the time as a couple.

Needing to leave at a set time from work and very limited opportunities for socialising now.

Those are my big 3.

There is always something to organise. If you want to go out you need babysitters. If you want to work you need childcare and then make arrangements if your child is unwell so you can go home.

I think it’s mainly never being able to do anything without arranging things around the children and at home it’s impossible to switch off because they want something, want to show you something etc. And when they are good and quiet playing on the computer (for example) you feel bad for not interacting with them!

Haha good luck op with all this 😂 because yeah. This (all things mentioned ) is life with kids
You give it all up.
(For god reasons however but... haha)

But the toilet thing i read here: nah thats avoidable. Just. Close. The. Mf.door. 😂😎

Spend as much as I want on clothes/shoes/tattoos. Go on holiday during term time without at least 6 months warning for childcare (obviously can't take the spawn). Only tidy once a day and have it stay tidy. Keep chocolate in the cupboard or fridge for myself. Disappear out with friends and come back whenever I fancy. Get a full time job. With 4 kids though I manage quite well, we get a weekend at least a year away just the two of us, a family holiday once a year and I work around my partners hours (side note, what the hell is with the childcare costs in this country?!). I still go out with my friends, it just requires some pre planning.

Working any job any hours! I used to work 2-10 shifts night shifts etc cant do it even if I was married I couldnt because my youngest WONT /CANT sleep without mummy to the point where he wanders around the house looking for me crying 🤦‍♀️

I have a teen and younger children so can also reassure you that many of the things on this thread will pass within a few years. Depending on the inclinations of your child(ten) you can reclaim quite a lot of the day to day stuff within a decade. The worry does never go of course, and for me the thin skin.

Someone upthread said you’ll see how ingrained sexism is in society, and this is 100% true for me. Just think how the very existence of Mumsnet is talked about in many quarters. When I had children and became a mum, a lot of assumptions were made about me by people who barely knew me.

I would say a permanent effect has been my career, which is shot. This doesn’t happen to every mother by any means, although I also don’t think it’s uncommon. I’ve been unlucky to have worked with employers who consider part time working something they allow people to do to look good but hate people doing. Working full time made me feel unbelievably guilty, working part time makes me feel unbelievably guilty.

I think you can still do a lot- it just takes planning and good family support (if you're lucky enough to have it).
My friend has a toddler plus twin babies, and she works damn hard looking after all of them, but... still goes out for dates with DH, had a night away just the 2 of them recently, girls nights out, still gets her hair/nails done a lot... her family are amazing though in supporting/ babysitting so I think that's key

Oh god, where to start.
You can't go on weekends away with just your partner (unless you have a good family), you can't save money (unless you're loaded to start with), my biggest and hardest thing to deal with is the popping out in your own, it drives mad, things like just getting a pint of milk and browsing the magazines are suddenly a luxury of the past.

Stop worrying. Ever.

@PandaMa

I've just got back from Spain. If the cries of 'Papa! Papa! Papa!' coming from one little one bin the pool were anything to go by, and the resigned look on his dad's face, Spanish children demand their parents watch them perform too.

Working, it's almost impossible to work with kids unless you have a well paid job or you do shift work when the other parent is at home. It's been hellish. I've given up with it tbh and don't work. If I work I can't keep the house tidy, buy the food, pick my son up from school/drop him off, do doctors appointments etc. it's so bloody hard. My son hates school clubs and hates anyone but me doing the school run....what can you do when term time jobs are like gold dust?

It’s very true what a pp said - you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.
Your point is a good reminder, @ClownOnCruise. The years before 10 are exhausting but can be petrifying afterwards for different reasons.

I'm only 16 months in but I honestly don't find it that bad 🤷‍♀️. DH is an equal parent. We have good family support also. And we both work normal working hours full time. So I'm aware that makes a massive difference.

Also we had reached the stage in life where we weren't partying much anyway and we aren't overly spontaneous people

Yes holidays are different now but I still enjoy them. DH and I take it in turns relaxing whilst the other looks after DS.

DH and I exercise alternate evenings during the week and we socialise separately with friends. Occasionally we go out just the two of us for a date night.

I did find the early days a struggle though. Really struggled with sleep deprivation and the monotony of it all. I much prefer having a toddler and love taking him to the pool, park etc life got much easier when I went back to work.

frijolesssss I completely agree with the SN aspect, my son was pure extremely premature and now he's 10 it's still a struggle, each new teacher he has we/I have to go to meetings about him, he hates babysitters, hates most school clubs etc so for all the parents saying things go back to normal etc after a few years, they don't for everyone!
On a lighter note, you will never have the bed to yourself again!

Was born!