To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

I also don't really understand people saying they never go to the toilet on their own now. Really?!

@littlemisscynical what about when school starts though? And all the holidays and inset days? The drop off and pick up? In some ways the older they get the easier they get but in others it gets harder.

There's nothing you can't do, you just can't generally do them when you would like to, or on a whim.

If you have a supportive family, nurture that relationship and let them be involved. Our parents love having DS, and we love sending him there so it's win win!

Spontaneous sex, it's worse when they are teenagers, they stay up later than you and whinge if your bed so much as creaks while you are asleep, never mind having sex!

@littlemisscynical i agree. I never bring DS to the toilet with me. I have a playpen if I need him to stay in one place for a bit.

My lot rarely did the loo with me but I know other parents whose children get so very worked up if shut out that they don’t do it. Like so many bits of parenting, your experience will be unique and depend on your children, you and your partner. (Here ends Mumsnet?).

I offer feeble to those who parent children with severe additional needs. You are let down by our wealthy society as are your children.

I do bring DS to the loo with me if I'm at home alone, most of the time - but because I'm not home alone with him 24/7 that still adds up to lots of quiet wees! I don't see how the 'you'll never wee alone!' thing can possibly be true for most people in most circumstances.

It really depends on your child and your personal circumstances. I had a clingy and unsettled little one and with no family near us she would only be happy with me of DH and I didn’t deal well with her crying. As a result I was v anxious and there’s a lot I didn’t feel able to do.

Others have had really chilled out babies and could go about as normal taking baby with them. There’s so much you just won’t know until your baby arrives!

We have a 2.5 year old and still don’t really. Other with holidays. For us, it’s not a holiday anymore and won’t be for a while but I know plenty of people who do. You’ll work out your priorities easily enough!

It will hugely depend on your life pre children and support network post children of how much changes for you afterwards.

If you are a bit of a homebird and family orientated e.g. spend time with nieces/nephews and friends children, have 2 sets of useful and local grandparents nearby, are well off and a supportive partner you will have freedom and may not need major adjustment.

If you don't have the above it will be a lot harder. Particularly if you life involved things like exotic travel, love partying, high flying career where long hours, flexibility and extra commitments are expected, you like a high level of control, spontanity and childfree friends family or hobby that requires time.

Like others have said, even if you get time, you may be too tired to.take an opportuity e.g. an exercise class when you have had 4 hours broken sleep that night.

I'm always surprised there are not higher levels of post natal mental health issues when you think of the huge change of lifestyle combined with sleep deprivation. It's comparable to experiences things like a serious illness/bereavement/redundancy in some ways. Your body is changed, you can lose your identity, there is a new family/friend/partner dynamic, your earning potential drops.

You can't work, sleep, eat, play or rest when you like. Your child's need dictate your day.

“I never bring DS to the toilet with me. I have a playpen if I need him to stay in one place for a bit.”

My 14mo son would work himself up into a screaming rage at this. Maybe you’ll find a way to make that my fault though? I would have to calm him down, so why create that work for myself when I can easily just take him into the loo with me? But I don’t complain about never going to the loo alone anyway. I only have him with me if I am in sole charge. Otherwise H is there or I’m at work etc

I think with the loo thing some people do have toddlers/primary age children who like to follow them around chatting etc (my son is too young for this - he just likes to have me in his sight which is not unusual at his age). I can understand that that gets wearing when you just want to go to the loo in peace. One picks one’s battles over these things

For all those who said ‘go on a trampoline’ - did you actually have one to go on before you had kids?!

My husband and I arrange things so that we both have two evenings a week when we can do whatever we want - the other one does all this childcare. This has been a really good way of getting back some pre-kids freedom. Although it’s not as much time as it sounds if you want to socialise, exercise and go shopping, for example.

Mine are teens now but I still struggle to shake off that feeling of unease all the time that all is well. This could be down to my own anxiety issues, but I was saying to dh yesterday that I am looking forward to a day when I don’t have to worry about their mental health, their schoolwork and attainment, their diet, their social issues, alcohol, drugs etc.

I feel as if having children has completely disabled my ability to relax and put myself first, and I say that not as a martyr but as a bit of a selfish mum that likes as much me time as possible. But I cannot imagine a time where my short and long term plans were all about me!

I miss being able to 'switch off'

E.g. Sitting on a plane and reading a book or nodding off.

With kids: are they all here, buckled, are all passports back in bag, cases away, he looks sick, her ears have popped and are sore, then you're worried that the sweet you just gave them is in fact too large so you spend the next 15 minutes anxiously watching them and hoping they won't choke, they all need snacks, one needs to go to the toilet, one insists they don't, but 5 minutes later they do.

Ditto the rest of the holiday

And every day

My neighbour recently told me that she still lies awake at night, worrying about her children.
They're all in their 40s.
So I guess it really is for the rest of your life

@BusterGonad yeah I do wonder about that. Definitely much simpler when they are younger I imagine.
DH and I share drop off and pick up at present. The crèche DS goes to does breakfast club and after school club and they do drop off and pick ups also. Grandparents mind DS two days per week and will be able to do drop off/pick ups. And I'll be able to do term time working if necessary also. And can change my hours slightly if need be.
I know I am at an advantage and not everyone has similar circumstances.

I'm always surprised there are not higher levels of post natal mental health issues when you think of the huge change of lifestyle combined with sleep deprivation. It's comparable to experiences things like a serious illness/bereavement/redundancy in some ways. Your body is changed, you can lose your identity, there is a new family/friend/partner dynamic, your earning potential drops.

@crotchgoblins I remember thinking exactly this when I had dd1; the most colicky, screamy baby I knew. I remember feeling as if my entire world, which up until then had been utterly on my terms, had fallen around me, and I had a tyrannical monster telling me every day and all day that what I was doing was wrong. I felt utter grief for my old life and felt utter sinking despair for the first few months. Worse was knowing I should be grateful and feeling the pressure to savour every magical moment.

I wish I’d read your very reassuring comment in the early days so I’m reposting it in bold in case any struggling mum scrolls past it!

When they’re younger - being spontaneous, going out whenever you want/wherever you want,
Having a relaxing holiday (better to go w family/friends so you can do childcare swaps). This gets better as they get older but when they’re young children the focus is them enjoying themselves.
. Having to eat out in child-friendly places (or not at all if you’ve got one who won’t eat).
Spending ££££ on babysitters if you want to go out (and having to be back at a decent hour). This finishes by the time they’re young teens.
If you’re aware of the sacrifices beforehand then that’s good as it won’t be such a shock to the system.

Crotchgoblins "I'm always surprised there are not higher levels of post natal mental health issues when you think of the huge change of lifestyle combined with sleep deprivation. It's comparable to experiences things like a serious illness/bereavement/redundancy in some ways. Your body is changed, you can lose your identity, there is a new family/friend/partner dynamic, your earning potential drops"

Me too, I was shell shocked and felt very lonely and isolated, no one offered to help (family) and my husband was busy with his career, keeping us a float, paying the mortgage etc... it's so very hard when they are babies, you've got to get out there and join as many baby clubs as you can otherwise you get stuck in a rut at home all day (for me anyway!).

Have a quiet moment or leave the house on a whim. There's always someone with you and they take a lot of prep work to get out of the house.

I also can't blow money on treats for myself anymore as the childcare costs are crippling me.

All of this gets better in time though!

VirginiaWolf - the feeling of unease, that’s so true. I also have teens and feel that horrible anxiety as well regarding their lives. Next year DD goes to uni and I’m already worrying about will she choose the right course/uni/make friends etc. I’m more worried about that aspect than her potential results in 2020!!! Bar some major disaster she should get the grades.

It was the 'no turning back' bit that took me by surprise in relation to all the things I could no longer do (with lie ins being a big one!), and I wish I'd spent some time contemplating so that I wasn't so shocked at the start. Properly startled by the fact that I no longer had a choice. Turns out I adore my son and don't mind that it's a completely new life (except maybe the lie-ins)

@littlemisscynical that's good to hear!

As others have said, you can do stuff, it's just harder.

Eg DH and I went out the other night for a meal with friends (not just the local pub but a restaurant in the city with live music). It was lovely, but paying for a babysitter makes it a lot more expensive, and knowing that you'll be up with the kids the next day (not really early as mine are older now, but you can't just lie in bed all morning) means you don't really want a very late night or a hangover. So it can be done but it's just not the same as pre kids.

@HerSymphonyAndSong i am not blaming anyone. I am simply pointing out that it is not a universal experience when having children. It was something i had read on here myself before i had DC and I have not found it to be the case.