To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

[BinkyBaa]

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

Spontaneously going away for weekends,lay ins,loud sex

I know it's not what you asked but AFTER 3 children I got my Degree, met my DP, lost heaps of weight and entered the workplace. I now have 4 and it's my epilepsy, not my kids that holds me back. Point is u can imagine every scenario in preparation but life could still throw you a curve ball. Or everything you think of may never happen because every single child is so different.

If you take more than a few months for maternity or paternity leave it can seriously impact your career. Additionally, the constant juggling for who picks up whom and when - nightmare sometimes.

It's just that you will always need to plan and put someone else first. It effects jobs, hobbies, holidays, relationships with others. That's why you need to do exactly what you want before children so you don't have the chance to miss out after.

Anything without a ton of planning
Spend time on your own
Fight the label of ‘beautiful’s mum’
Spend selfishly
Not worry
Have a hangover
Have all the chocolate
Watch tv
Go out on a whim (even to Tesco)
Put yourself first. Ever.
Love, love, love my 11 year old DD. We are each other’s favourite people (poor husband/father). But being second or third (or further) on your own list is a massive adjustment. Just do it, you can’t plan for the changes.

Flippant comments aside: it's all dependant on your support network.

If you have a great DP/mum/sister/friends or in laws you can do whatever you want.

I raised 6 children but my network was excellent and I utilised nursery/school/clubs so my life was varied.

It's people who are isolated that see the biggest change to their life and can struggle.

The only real difference is that you have to organise yourself and can't do as you please on a whim... so long as you are not exhausted, have money and time you can basically do as you please.

Don't read too much into the previous comments as they make being a parent sound like a horror story... parenting, like life is what you make it so march to the beat of your own drum.

I freely admit I haven't waded through all 15 pages, but I've never understood why anyone would voluntarily have a second child.

"I've never understood why anyone would voluntarily have a second child."

To give your first child a sibling - and not because they're guaranteed to be best friends (they're not) but to give them the opportunity to experience the fun and challenging things about having a sibling, and to give them someone who will be their family after you die. I don't want my DS to bear the burden alone if he is worrying about me and DH in our old age and having to deal with our affairs after we die.

Plus I'm hoping children might play together and entertain each other at some point (I realise there is a lot of supervision, mediation and refereeing to do, too!)

Sneezing or coughing without urgently needed the loo afterwards, or indeed just actually wetting myself slightly.
Deciding to go out on a whim, or staying out on a whim!
Knowing more about cartoon characters than I probably know about politics.... however these days they could actually be one and the same thing.
Basically every decision involves thinking about someone else first. Yes parenting can be frustrating but sitting here helping my son with maths, I'm just so proud of him and so glad he's here!

All of the above. But they do grow up and leave you. Then you’re sad face. Where did they go?!

This might sound grim but I’ve not been in the bath for 7 years, I’ve showered but those long baths that I used to love I just can’t have one now. I have an almost 7 year old and a disabled partner. I’ve also not used the toilet alone in that time, answering the ponderings of a 7 year old child isn’t very conducive to pooping you know. When I need to pee I have to pee and nobody better be in my way, oh and coughing and sneezing without crossing my legs first, I learned to do that in very quick fashion, can’t tell people the smell of pee is your un-potty trainer child when said child is 7!!! And you know what? I wouldn’t change any of it. My daughter is my life and more than worth the inconvenience of having no privacy or bladder control lol

Trampolining.

I've not rtft so apologies if these are duplicates! Mine are:
The ability to think straight.
Guilt free time on your own.
Or any time on your own
Sneezing without pissing
Being able to go out to suit yourself
Holidays
Hangovers
Lie ins
Guilt free spending
Peeing alone
Sanity
A clean car
A clean house
Nice things

BUT..... I wouldn't trade what I've got for any of those things. My kids are amazing and as hard as parenting is, I love them to the end of the earth

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner.

In that case the change you will most likely notice is that you are no longer in control.

You cannot control what your DC are like or what they do. You can aim to influence them and you will have some influence but they will be who they are. And your plans will sometimes/often have to give way to what they need. In small ways (having to ditch that trip at the weekend because they are ill or too tired) and in big ways (comprising your career because it means you only get home 10 minutes before bedtime).

Going to the toilet without being accompanied.

Spontaneous meals and drinks out.

Otherwise everything is possible!

AnotherEmma thays a lovely thought to not leave an only child with care of you and dp in your old age should you need it. BUT in my own experience, my oh experiemce and lots of posts on gransnet more often than not it falls to one child leaving huge resentment and family fall outs. So having a sibling to help/share the load doesn't always work

I've never understood why anyone would voluntarily have a second child

Because having my first was amazing. And my second was too, so I had a third!

Honestly do not worry about it. Yes your life will change and yes it can be an initial shock (mainly the lack of spontaneity) but I can 100% guarantee that it will also bring you a massive amount of happiness.

I do know that the friends I have who like to be very much in control do struggle more with the early days as losing that control is hard. You may need to lower your expectations all round, and that is tricky.

I wouldn't over think the things you can't do.. because you'll probably find, particularly for the first few years that you don't want to do the things you can't do anymore.. for example, since having my son I don't want to go out and get drunk and stay in bed the next day, I want to spend my time with him.. I do have nights out with friends, but I don't miss doing it regularly and I don't get really drunk because I don't want to ruin the next day.

If you and your partner share the load equally then you never have to miss out.. I enjoy a relaxing soak in the bath at night time.. I still do this and my husband has the kids.

I go where I want, when I want to go.. admittedly it requires more organisation than before. You just adjust your life accordingly.

I can honestly say there is nothing that I miss from pre children.. my life was different, but I had different motivations. Now its all about the kids.. and making memories with them.

If you return to work, the biggest adjustment will be working like you don’t have children and parenting like you don’t work.

How competitive otherwise rational, sane women can become about how whose baby has the most teeth at the youngest age.

There really isn't anything I can add here, I agree with all of them. The one thing that does really bother me is realising that I have run out of something after DS is in bed and there is a sod all I can do about it. I can't "pop" anywhere. Childless friends who simply cannot understand why I can't "just" do anything. I am a single parent to an ASD child (eldest lives away, so she's helpful when she's here), so not being able to have any spontaneity is very difficult.

Jumping on a trampoline.

PLEASE YOURSELF

@smilingontheinside
I see your point. Just to clarify though, I do NOT expect/hope any of my children will care for me in old age, I don't want to put that burden on them (I hope that DH and I will be able to pay for the care we need)... I just mean the mental worry really, although I realise that one or all children could abdicate that responsibility too!

I am lucky with my siblings so I'm optimistically hoping that if I have another child they will get on 🤞