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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

417 replies

BinkyBaa · 27/07/2019 21:54

I'd like to have children in the next few years but I'm a serial worrier/over planner. I see lots of vague statements get thrown around on here about things like holidays and hobbies not being possible anymore after children.
Obviously I know life is different forever after having DCs but aibu to ask is there really anything children stop you doing ever again entirely?

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 28/07/2019 09:16

There are so many factors that come into play that influence what you are or are not able to do. Some babies/children are very easy going and happy to go along with anything, others won’t.

This
There's nothing you can't do, you just can't generally do them when you would like to, or on a whim.
is not in the slightest bit true for us, because our DC have special needs. There are many very ‘normal’ things that we can’t do because of that.

Still wouldn’t change them though.

SouthernComforts · 28/07/2019 09:18

Your annual leave will not be yours for at least 11 years. Every single day off I have is in school holidays.

Taking time off for medical appointments (obvs your kid might not need any!) Dd had 2 appointments this week, I was out of work for 6 hours, I now need to make those hours up next week, which has a knock on effect on every other job that needs doing..

Lack of spontaneity.

THE GUILT.

WTFdidwedo · 28/07/2019 09:18

I have a 2 year old and 15 month old who's been walking since 10 months. It's only now I can leave them alone to go to the toilet really or they'd have killed each other or themselves. Even now they just follow me and bang on the door shouting mummy then open it anyway. Not everyone has the same circumstances.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/07/2019 09:20

Things like not being able to go to the toilet alone are temporary though although it feels like forever at the time. You will be able to pee alone eventually!

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 28/07/2019 09:21

You can't be ill or hungover in peace. You've never been challenged until you're the responsible one and have norovirus
People should put this skill on their CV

AreWeAnywhereNear · 28/07/2019 09:24

Lack of spontaneity is a big one, I have teenagers but we still need plans in place. Even if it's just to inform them we're going out, which they forget so I write notes everywhere.

I feel guilty all the damn time, I doubt that will ever go away.

Lack of privacy, they still come and chat to me when I'm in the shower, bath or loo. They actually use this time to tell me all the important stuff, probably as I'm in one place and not running around like a headless chicken.

However the best thing is the overwhelming love, big strapping teenage boys still cuddle their mum, which makes up for everything. They drive me insane but I wouldn't be without them I'd be on a beach drinking cocktails Wink

LauraMJ · 28/07/2019 09:24

I don't understand the problem. You can do whatever you want as long as you arrange proper child care.

ethelfleda · 28/07/2019 09:29

I don’t care about peeing alone, actually.
I have one toddler. I’m not having anymore.

It is just so very intense! Sometimes I still feel overwhelmed and I am exhausted. My bones ache! I’m not sure if there is anything that you definitely cannot do ever again once you have DC. I guess anything is possible once they’re old enough or if they don’t have special needs and you have a good support network. However, for reasons that it is hard to put in to words, your life will never be the same again.

KUGA · 28/07/2019 09:29

I agree with most of the above comments.
BUT …. having children is worth it.
Its not all doom and gloom believe me
They are not little ones for long.
That first look when the baby arrives is priceless,and their first smile
melts your heart.
Both my boys are in their mid to late 30s.
And I love the relationship we have as adults,and its lovely having Grandchildren too.
And I love the friendship we have,and of course the Grandscildren.
Go for it,

BrieAndChilli · 28/07/2019 09:31

There’s nothing you can’t actually do when you have kids but it’s more a case if you can’t afford/don’t want to/don’t have the time to do things

Having kids normally means your income goes down - either by giving up work or having to pay for childcare. This then means less disposable income for fun things.
You probably need a bigger house which means more cleaning, kids create more mess so more time is spent tidying instead of watching Netflix.
Kids need a more balanced diet so instead of grabbing a slice of toast after a long day you actually need to cook and include some veg!!
Partying all night isn’t as enticing when you know you will have a toddler clamouring all over you the next day!
Relaxed lunches out aren’t as relaxing with kids in tow (babies are fine but once they start walking....) so you change to going to soft plays instead.

Basically it’s about becoming less selfish and pleasing yourself and thinking about everyone else too.

ethelfleda · 28/07/2019 09:32

In some ways the older they get the easier they get but in others it gets harder

I think this depends on each individual’s definition of hard. I think I will be a better parent when DS is fully able to communicate/no longer in nappies and we can have a small degree of freedom. I’m looking forward to having conversations with him and playing with him in a more interactive way. I’m not good with a toddler. He was easy as a baby (apart from lack of sleep of course!)

museumum · 28/07/2019 09:33

I find I can’t really properly relax anymore. Even when I go for a run or take half an hour in a coffee shop or go for a walk or shopping I’m on a timer. I must be back at whatever time to pick up the kids or take over from dh. The thing I miss most is feeling leisurely. I’m incapable of browsing in a shop now - even if I do have time I can’t get past my mindset of “quick - quick - that looks just about acceptable - buy - get home”.
I’d love to lose myself in a run or walk without always thinking of getting back on time.
Also after years of not being able to read a book in the daytime without interruption in every sentence or get through a row of knitting I now find I can’t read in the daytime so waste time on here.
In all ways I feel permanently a bit “wired” and like I now have no attention span.

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 28/07/2019 09:41

Those saying just arrange childcare are talking rubbish unless they mean a live in nanny

Imagine calling a babysitter so you can have a lie in and Sunday morning sex with a hangover every week like we used to in our twenties

PivotPivotPivottt · 28/07/2019 09:42

Pop to the shops. Right now I need a butter but I am sitting with my 2 year old and my 7 year old is still asleep. I'd have to get them both fed and dressed and tbh I can't be arsed

Sleep in in the morning (my 2 year old)

Agree to a last minute night out as too short notice to arrange babysitter (I only have my mum to babysit and she prefers a bit of notice)

Getting ready and leaving the house is like a mission at times. Shouldn't be too bad since my eldest is 7 and can dress herself etc but it is!

Go to the gym

Can't buy myself a single thing without feeling guilty as it could have been spent on the children. I think I may feel differently about that though if I wasn't poor

Keep the house tidy. Everyone morning I wake up to a tidy house and withing half an hour everything is everywhere.

YouJustDoYou · 28/07/2019 09:45

There’s nothing you can’t actually do when you have kids

I physically can't wear tampons anymore.

probstimeforanewname · 28/07/2019 09:47

As pps have said, not being able to do what you want when you want without planning - that's what it boils down to.

Use the toilet alone, for a good many years

This, on the other hand, is utter nonsense. You can go to the loo any time you want and close the door!

evilharpy · 28/07/2019 09:57

Since having my only child I have been to:

Sleep in. I’ve lost the ability to sleep past 8am even when husband tells me to have a lie in.

Concentrate on TV or films, my mind wanders too much.

Cope with hangovers when you have a small person talking at you and needing stuff. I have lost the will to drink.

Have an uninterrupted two minute conversation with my husband during the hours of 8am and 7pm.

evilharpy · 28/07/2019 09:57

^ should say I have NOT been able to.

Booboo66 · 28/07/2019 09:59

There's probably loads at the toddler stage (babies are extremely portable) but that's all but forgotten now mine are a bit older and pretty self sufficient, I can lie by the pool, have a lie in etc. The one thing I can't do as a single parent is get a job where shifts fall outside of childcare hours. I find that very limiting. And take term time holidays (we do take some occasional days at the end of terms but would be able to holiday more if we could go whenever we wanted.

LakieLady · 28/07/2019 10:00

According to DSS, speak or swear freely: DGD told one of the staff at nursery that "Daddy says that Boris Johnson is a cunt".

He was mortified.

Charley50 · 28/07/2019 10:02

"‘You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child’ sums it up- ie your own happiness is no longer within your own control."
This.

You (hopefully) get a lot of free time back as they grow up, but the potential for worry and stress gets bigger.

PurpleGlitter1983 · 28/07/2019 10:08

If you get a broken one you can't do fuck all ever again.

grumiosmum · 28/07/2019 10:09

Charley50 nailed it.

FluffyFluffyRaRa · 28/07/2019 10:11

Consider yourself first

Be selfish

Care for yourself...

When you have children for a good few years (at least) you come well below everyone else in terms of priority... and you basically become a slave for mini dictators

zzzzzzzz12345 · 28/07/2019 10:13

Children don’t stop you doing anything, they simply change your priorities. If you want to carry on doing stuff - activities, hobbies, exciting holidays - people do. It’s choice.

My kids literally broke my arse on the way out. Permanent damage. And yet I couldn’t give a shit because they are happy and healthy and wonderful. If you’d told me I’d happily sacrifice my continence forbkids id never have believed you. The capacity for love is all consuming, and makes up for any constraints overall.