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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should these people go home!!

257 replies

Lou780 · 27/07/2019 20:00

I have made a trip to London for weekend..to see dh.. marriage is on rocks and we haven't seen each other for weeks. He has new flat in London as works there during week and normally comes home at weekend. Not for few weeks though for various reasons. So here iam..we go for lunch with a friend of his and his new wife..youngcouple only 28. We are 45. Ok I think..lunch will be fine. But that was 1pm and they are STILL here!!..I have come through to bedroom and can hear them cackling and putting loud music on Alexa and drinking. Iam so fed up. Do much for spending time with dh. They will not take hi t..I have asked them to lower music as I have a headache. I then went in and asked if o could put TV on..dh obliged but they kept talking loudly about first date first time they had sex going into detail..I have up and came back onto bedroom. I have nothing in common with young wife she is not interested in talking to me ..I tried o we lunch. But she is loving holding court in living room right now..so is dh. Iam crying in bed room.

OP posts:
Rivkka · 28/07/2019 19:28

I hope he didn't ask them to stay so he can avoid talking to you

Ijustwanttochill · 28/07/2019 19:31

I agree with most of the pp I'm afraid, his behaviour sounds exactly like what I would do if I was avoiding being alone with someone and having to admit to them that I didn't want to be with them anymore.

Are you ok OP? You haven't posted for a while? X

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 20:21

Okay. To play the most Devilish Devil's Advocate.... If this OP's scene the opening page in a fictional novel, here is what I would immediately presume. (For all those ready to pounce on me, read the word fictional).

The OP's husband is a tool for not grabbing her hand and taking her back to his bedroom upon seeing her for the first time in ages, dying to spend every single second he could with her until the moment she leaves. Instead, the OP describes that he has been ignoring her all night and is refusing to see or act upon all the hints she is giving him that the friends should leave. He is either reluctant to recognise the hints, or reluctant to act upon the hints.

The OP is living a boyish double life, trying to re-live his youth through his friendship with this much younger couple. Clearly, the OP has been generous with her time, polite throughout dinner and now would be the appropriate time for these friends to leave. The OP has limited time here with her husband, yet he is unwilling to actually pay her any attention..... what? Until it's time for her to leave again? How long is he going to keep this up?

I get the impression that OP is the third (or rather, fourth) wheel here. She is the intruder. The group is waiting for her to leave. Maybe the OP is the one who is missing the obvious hints.

Either way, and even if all of the above were complete bollocks (indeed it may be) I would absolutely leave. Go get last minute tickets for a Musical; go for a lovely walk along the Thames; go for a nice meal; go meet some nice people... Book a room in a hotel, have a bubble bath.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/07/2019 20:24

Am l the only one who thinks that there's more to this than DH not wanting to spend time with OP? I mean, talking about their sex life..wouldn't surprise me if he had a threesome in mind

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 20:24

And clearly the 'friendship' between these three perhaps may be a little more than ... friendly.

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 20:26

What LadyTired said!

Attitude84 · 28/07/2019 20:42

Iambumblebee I absolutely agree with you!!! OP read this comment!!

Tmarsh123 · 28/07/2019 20:42

Update plz op

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 20:43

Attitude84 I thought everyone was going to say I was nuts for even suggesting this!!

ReasonablyIntelligent · 28/07/2019 20:44

Not really sure what the couple are doing wrong.

OP is claiming that they're ignoring her, but she's the one leaving the room to cry, coming back, asking for the music to be turned down, switching on the TV (!) whilst they're talking and repeatedly leaving and renentering the room.

At a guess, she's staring daggers at them, not engaging them in convo etc... I'm not surprised they're ignoring her. If that's even the case, they're probably just uncomfortable, any interaction they get from her is likely to be short and grumpy.

Seems like they're being made to feel welcome and encouraged to stay by husband and from their perspective his wife is acting a bit bonkers.

HOWEVER husband sounds massively unreasonable and quite childish, or at the very least ignorant.

OP is more than in her rights to be pissed off at him, I think she's deflecting on the couple a bit.(it's also hard being around a happly couple when your own relationship is on the rocks)

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 20:44

Well, except the bubble bath bit ;)

sunshine11 · 28/07/2019 20:52

OP where are you? Are you ok?

FelicisNox · 28/07/2019 21:05

I literally cannot believe some of the responses on here; remind me to show you all the same kindness when you have relationship problems. 🙄

She's not being rude or antisocial, she has gone to London to try and salvage her marriage and has walked into a full scale production of "How to Avoid and Humiliate My Wife". It's a bloody disgrace.

YANBU @Lou780. I do think however, it is time to stop chasing a man who clearly likes being married in name only. Your husband is clearly enjoying his time in London, pretending to be in his 20's and being centre of attention, it's pathetic and disrespectful.

The fact he told his neighbours about your marriage problems in details is just disgusting and shows a complete lack of respect for you.

It's time to call time on this marriage and you need to hold your head high and do it on your terms.

Personally, I would look as pretty as possible tomorrow, make him a cup of tea, bring it to him in bed, pass it to him, smile sweetly and say: thank you for showing me who you are and how little you care for me, I'm going home now but you will hear from my solicitor shortly. Let's keep this as magnanimous as possible but do be realistic with the financial split, it's in your best interests.

Then smile, pick up your bags and leave with your head held high. If you need to cry, do it on the train.

You deserve WAY better. He's a douche.

Catsinthecupboard · 28/07/2019 21:14

Since OP seems to be gone, in case she returns. I'll just say that the end of a relationship isn't the end of a person's life....even if it feels like it at first.

I was dumped with all sorts of drama and then a whimper. He left me and threw me out. Far from my family.

I was brokenhearted. I went to therapy. I read about how we choose mates. (Old, old book 'getting the love you want' by american author Harville Hendrix was a lightbulb moment. Yes. I was put off by his name but therapist insisted)

Eventually, I met my now dh. It's a healthy relationship and he treats me with kindness and respect. (I also made a list of traits that i wanted and he met all but one; he's introverted, a bit shy, but it's endearing now).

My ex? Married the woman he dumped me for. They had a ds. I looked ex up a few years ago on sm and his dw looked unhappy. Last time I looked, she was remarried ...and grinning from ear to ear, she was glowing with happiness.

Ex as still writing sad songs. Alone.

My long-winded point? It's on you to grieve, learn, improve your self understanding, be who you want to be instead of a person who will please your dp. You'll heal. You'll survive and potentially flourish.

And like both myself and the woman that I was dumped for; hopefully you'll find a person who enjoys you for yourself, loves you as you ought to be loved and will be a partner who isn't a disrespectful, selfish turd.

This is for OP, or anyone whose heart is broken. Being dumped was the best thing that ever happened to me. Embrace this as an opportunity.Flowers

ZenNudist · 28/07/2019 21:21

Well this sounds like an awful situation I really hope you managed to walk away from your soon-to-be ex with your head Held High.

mathanxiety · 28/07/2019 21:23

Great post, FelicisNox.

The humiliation this man heaped on the OP was ghastly.

Catsinthecupboard · 28/07/2019 21:34

@ReasonablyIntelligent

In what world is a conversation about the details of a couple's first night of sex a reasonable topic for conversation with someone you've just met? Or one that anyone wants to hear?

It's impossible to converse with someone who doesn't want to participate in a conversation. It's exclusion. We all know that mean girl's trick.

People who talk explicitly about sex in front of a wife and husband have an agenda and no boundaries.

They are boasting about their relationship while OP's is in trouble? I would lay odds that neighbor(s) and OPs partner will have sex or have had sex or there is another person who is sleeping with that jerk. Probably a friend of the neighbors.

If OP was still here, i would suggest that she go to a hotel and return to her home tomorrow and contact her solicitor for divorce.

billybagpuss · 28/07/2019 21:40

I think it’s a fair assumption that Op is home by now, if so have a peaceful nights sleep, catch up on poldark and I really hope things improved for you this weekend.

If they didn’t keep your head held high and Good luck with whatever may come next. 💐

gamesanddaisychains · 28/07/2019 21:41

@IAmBumblebee - I was exactly thinking the same thing. I have known people like this, it is
not far fetched.

gamesanddaisychains · 28/07/2019 22:01

Hope you are ok OP. I do have tremdous sympathy having been in a similar position a few years ago. Best wishes what ever you decide to doFlowers

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 28/07/2019 22:10

Hope you’re ok OP Flowers

IAmBumblebee · 28/07/2019 22:20

gamesanddaisychains I sadly have a family member who lives vicariously through groups of younger friends.... However, he has chosen never to get married so is free to do exactly as he pleases!

I sincerely hope OP is sipping champagne with a view of London from her 5 star hotel suite.

Widgetsframe · 28/07/2019 22:25

They are probably coke’d up.

Kate0902900908 · 28/07/2019 22:27

I've been where you are. Sorry to tell you your marriage is over. He is not interested in how you feel or entertaining how to fix things. You need to get up in the morning pack and leave. Explain in a message the time you spent ’Together’ wasn't worth the journey and the priority wasn't spending time together.

Mine came back 8 months later after a younger women fling begging for another chance said life had become to boring and I was a moaner...

I unfortunately had found a new lease of life and couldn't even imagine going back.. Scary at first but after a while I was free!!!

twilightcafe · 28/07/2019 22:41

WidgetsFrame My thoughts, exactly.
Talking bollocks
Only interested in themselves
Heavy drinking all day
OP: I hate to throw oil on the fire, but my first thought was that they are all coked up, and this isn't the first time

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