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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should these people go home!!

257 replies

Lou780 · 27/07/2019 20:00

I have made a trip to London for weekend..to see dh.. marriage is on rocks and we haven't seen each other for weeks. He has new flat in London as works there during week and normally comes home at weekend. Not for few weeks though for various reasons. So here iam..we go for lunch with a friend of his and his new wife..youngcouple only 28. We are 45. Ok I think..lunch will be fine. But that was 1pm and they are STILL here!!..I have come through to bedroom and can hear them cackling and putting loud music on Alexa and drinking. Iam so fed up. Do much for spending time with dh. They will not take hi t..I have asked them to lower music as I have a headache. I then went in and asked if o could put TV on..dh obliged but they kept talking loudly about first date first time they had sex going into detail..I have up and came back onto bedroom. I have nothing in common with young wife she is not interested in talking to me ..I tried o we lunch. But she is loving holding court in living room right now..so is dh. Iam crying in bed room.

OP posts:
Craptop · 27/07/2019 23:44

Also, 'not including' op - she left them and when in the living room has been on Mumsnet!

Craptop · 27/07/2019 23:46

@thehandsofneilbuchanon Mumsnet innit

MyOtherProfile · 27/07/2019 23:47

Have they gone yet?

MarshmallowHeat · 27/07/2019 23:53

I’d get your best dress on and go out saying some friends are hitting a club, looking fun and hot!

Then I’d book myself into a hotel and get some sleep.

Your DH will be intrigued and guilty the next day. Hopefully.

SpaceCadet4000 · 27/07/2019 23:59

Honestly, I think when you originally posted this then the friends weren't exactly staying late and it sounds like you were the only one not having fun. If you were in your husband's shoes with a partner sulking and turning on the TV etc whilst you enjoyed your Saturday evening, you'd potentially be pretty peeved.

It sounds very much like you and your DH have grown apart and want different things. I think you either need to have a very serious discussion tomorrow morning, or you just call it quits.

Craptop · 27/07/2019 23:59

'DP came to london this weekend to see me. Things have been a bit tough and we thought it'd be nice to spend time together. We went out with some of my friends for lunch and one thing led to another and we ended up back at the flat I'm renting. I was having such good fun with our friends and a few drinks and stuff but dp upped and left us. They came back to complain about the music then ask I put the TV on (even though my friends are still here!). They disappeared again then came back and just sat there playing with their phone!
It's not even 8pm! AIBU to think dp shouldn't be so rude and just leave and be so miserable?! Things have been hard and I thought we were all having fun hanging out but I don't want my friends to leave now otherwise I'll be stuck with grumpy dp on my own.'

I think the responses would be quite different.

BobTheDuvet · 28/07/2019 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Craptop · 28/07/2019 00:28

Not claiming reverse sexism at all. Sex irrelevant.

SunniDay · 28/07/2019 00:30

Hi OP,
If you decide to rtft what struck me was that while your partner might not be going the right way about saving your marriage it doesn't sound like you are either (the poldark in your PJs vibe). I think you said you were 45 (not 75!).

I spend many an evening watching tv/browsing the internet but if I hadn't seen my partner for weeks and was trying to recapture a spark for us at a troubled time then watching tv would not be top of my to do list. (I'm 40 and have no wish to go clubbing but a meal out/drink out/ cinema/ theatre/ gallery/ stroll would all be great) If you still have the morning before you head back go out for breakfast together somewhere nice, take a walk together, visit somewhere. If you visit again make plans! - make some memories.

If you are both fit and well booking something that neither of you have done before could really shake things up and get his attention (think dry slope ski lesson/ escape room experience/ Segway/ climbing wall/ that big slide on a London building??!! If you want to save your marriage shake off the "old" and mix it up a bit. That's what I would do anyway. It's not my everyday style but my hubby and I have fond memories of when we have ventured a little out of our comfort zone.

I don't think you are being reasonable expecting to save your marriage by your husband simply doing everything on your terms you have to put effort in as well.

DarkAtEndOfTunnel · 28/07/2019 00:34

I think the responses would be quite different.

I don't. I'd think they'd run along the lines of "you mean your partner made a special trip to see you and fix your marriage, hopefully, and you decided to fix up lunch dates with your trendy friends? Never mind 'one thing led to another', you are an adult and you are choosing to put your trendy young London friends before past loyalties and obligations. I bet your partner is seriously pissed off now."

Why should the 45 yr old be forced to socialise all evening with a bunch of young immature fools who she has nothing in common with? She's had a long trip and a bunch of serious worries on her mind. Are there children in this marriage op? Flowers I'm sorry, your dh could just be a thoughtless twat, but it's not looking good. I agree with the hotel suggestion if you can afford it: if nothing else it will send a strong message that he needs to stop being so thoughtless towards you.

Bunnyfuller · 28/07/2019 00:39

But he didn’t give her the chance to go to dinner/theatre etc etc. They had lunch with the couple which carried on till 8pm, and the drinking got going! She had been waiting all afternoon for the lunch ‘date’ to be over to then spend time with DH. Not everyone’s idea of fun is drinking till you’re completely wankered and waking up feeling like shit. And hangovers definitely get worse with age!

Ayemama · 28/07/2019 00:57

I think I id be pissed off in this situation too

SunniDay · 28/07/2019 01:01

I was suggesting they make (and agree) plans in advance so everyone knows where they stand. OP hasn't mentioned any plans that were spoiled (certainly not theatre tickets wasted - it would have been mentioned)

ladymariner · 28/07/2019 04:34

Think tonight is not the night for the tough discussion that you're going to have to have, op. Hope you're ok? Tbh, it does sound as if you both have very different ideas and priorities now.

Carthage · 28/07/2019 05:02

I can't believe there are so many people that think someone who comes round to another couple's place, knowing their marriage is rocky, knowing they haven't seen each other for weeks, then ignores the wife and stays for more than SEVEN hours isn't being rude to the wife. Especially when they can see she wants them to leave.

No wonder there are so many seemingly rude people in the world, if people are that lacking in sensitivities. They live three doors down, so can sit and talk about their sex lives to him any time. The OP only has a few hours left with him.

Not saying it's not more the DH"s fault though. If he's really checked out of the marriage then avoiding the OP for a number of weeks, then ignoring her for seven hours while chummying up to his new mates is not the way to end his marriage. I'd think that was rude for a short term relationship, let alone a long term marriage.

Do you really think someone doesn't deserve to be told outright that the marriage is over, if that's how he feels? I doubt it's how you'd feel if you were in that situation.

OP at some point you have to take the bull by the horns and not let this man walk over you. I'm sorry Flowers

Elle2019 · 28/07/2019 05:14

I think it’s clear DH has checked out. This isn’t about them, this is about your DH. He’s moved out, avoided you for weeks, invited friends to lunch knowing you would be there, is sitting with them drinking....Cmon OP it doesn’t take a genius to figure out he doesn’t want you there. Go home. Don’t put up with this kind of nonsense. You deserve better x

AngeloMysterioso · 28/07/2019 05:26

I’m sorry OP but I think in this scenario you were the one being rude... dropping all these hints that they’d “outstayed their welcome” when it looks like as far as your husband was concerned they were still quite welcome! Sounds like you were being a bit of an Eeyore to be honest, your marital issues are not their problem, and if your husband invited them over then he’s the one at fault, not them.
And apart from anything else... you hadn’t seen your husband in weeks, you’ve come to London for the weekend to try and rescue things a bit and the way you wanted to spend your Saturday evening was... in your jim jams watching Poldark at 8pm? Really?

MyOtherProfile · 28/07/2019 05:30

Nothing wrong. With socialising from lunch til night in theory. The issue here is that the couple haven't seen each other for weeks and these are just his friends. Some people are if being this.

MyOtherProfile · 28/07/2019 05:32

Some people are if being this = some people are ignoring this.

Carthage · 28/07/2019 05:32

OP you weren't being rude, that's crap. It's always rude to ignore someone you're socialising with, even if it's the partner of your friend.

And it's always rude to outstay your welcome.

daisychain01 · 28/07/2019 05:41

People who think "poor neighbours" um I don't think so, they sound like they're being smug marrieds. I agree with the PP who said the DH has put them up to it and they have obliged.

OP sounds like the spark has gone and your DH has no motivation to make the effort. He's got his pied a terre in London, his job, he's sorted. I'd make your own plans....

Zoflorabore · 28/07/2019 05:47

It's concerning that op hasn't returned to the thread. I would like to think ( and not in a pervy way! ) that she is making other types of memories with her husband but I highly doubt it.... thing is, when one person is drinking and the other isn't then they're not on the same wavelength.

I can see this turning on it's head and the husband having a go at op for daring to be pissed off with the situation.

Who on earth invites another couple out when their marriage is on the rocks?

Actions speak louder than words.

I hope you're ok op Flowers

mathanxiety · 28/07/2019 05:52

I hope you stayed overnight and are now coming home on your prebooked train.

Packing and leaving would have resulted in the three of them laughing at you as you left.

Maybe text your H to see if he is interested in giving alone time another try as he clearly had other plans for this weekend. Ask him when he can fit you into his busy social life.

wildcherries · 28/07/2019 05:52

Who on earth invites another couple out when their marriage is on the rocks?

Someone who wants to avoid a discussion about/has checked out of their marriage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2019 05:58

The couple were plonkers for not understanding they need to bugger off. Your dh was using them as a shield, I agree. What happened? Di they eventually leave?

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