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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am, but I feel let down a little bit

152 replies

Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:21

I'm a student at the minute, and have had to live with my sister because of poor mental health and lack of money in the area I live in.

This worked well for my sister because she has recently divorced and doesn't want to be on her own. For months on end I have listened and supported her throughout this, much to the detriment of my own mental health really, and my studies have suffered. I have many times had to come back from nights out/days out/dates because she told me she was "in crises" (I have been suicidal before, so this is not a begrudging task for me). My mental health however is never discussed.

I have the small room in her house. She doesn't charge me rent because she has a good job and I am a student - but I do contribute to bills and buy household items regularly.

She is now over the worst of it and has started socializing again. She has recently started saying that her friends are staying after nights out and will need to stay in my room (with me on the couch). This has made me feel a bit shit (a bit like a sofa surfer loser) because I feel like I can't say anything because it is her house and she's doing me a favour.

Today she has text me saying that she has friends staying after a night out and this will mean I can't stay on the couch or the bedroom she gave me.

I will probably have to travel back to my mum's house (over 2 hours on the train) now, at a massive cost to myself.

I know it's her house, but I just think it's quite shitty.

Prepared to be told to grow up and that i am BU.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2019 19:25

So she's asking you to move out for how long?

She's being unreasonable to not give you notice IMHO!!

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/07/2019 19:26

Well I’m sorry you feel so undervalued and unheard by your sister.

I know you said it’s cost but could you look at renting a room? You would have a bit more security than her whims, but it’s not as expensive as renting privately (equally less rights).

I’d personally say she’s being a bit of a bitch to get you to move out without having that conversation with you, which is v silly in my opinion as it risks your good relationship with her.

user1493413286 · 27/07/2019 19:27

I think it’s shitty to be honest; if my sister was staying at my house I wouldn’t then be expecting her to give up her bedroom or not come home when it suited me

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/07/2019 19:31

YANBU

SagAloojah · 27/07/2019 19:34

I had a student loan and lived in halls term time when I was studying... is that not an option?

She isn't treating you very well but it can be frustrating and cause resentment living with a family member, especially when finances aren't split 50/50.

It sounds like she's frustrated but being passive aggressive about it.

VivienneHolt · 27/07/2019 19:35

I wouldn't treat my sister that way - if she's offering you a room it should be your room imo.

Original poster
Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:37

@SagAloojah

I am a Masters student - applying for jobs to start ASAP. Got a 10,600 loan but the Masters itself was more than this.

Had a job to buy essential things but running low on money all year really.

OP posts:
Chocolateandamaretto · 27/07/2019 19:40

No that is shitty, if someone was staying long term in my home, rent or no, I wouldn’t turf them out of their room!

Could you look at an resident post in halls? Can’t remember exact name of the post at my university but you live in and have some pastoral responsibility for students but have lodgings and a salary.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/07/2019 19:41

She is being rude. I wonder if she'd like you to move out without saying directly.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/07/2019 19:42

Sleep in her room tonight 🤣

She’s being massively rude. It’s your room she’s willing had you there for company/support but now she’s discarding you because she’s found her social life again

If I were you I’d be pissed off, but I’d move out into a shared house or lodgings, you can’t live like that and it’ll not donher any harm to come home to an empty house and not have you on call, but it might make her appreciate you a bit more!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/07/2019 19:42

Why do her friends need to sleep at her house after nights out? Sounds a bit odd. I wonder if she actually wants the place to herself again but doesn't know how to broach it with you.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 27/07/2019 19:43

How is your relationship with her? Because if it was my sibling, I would refuse to leave tonight and would take myself off to bed in the bedroom given over for my use. They'd be pissed off but not a lot they could do about it so would the 'tough shit, I'm staying' approach be an option?

Then on Monday speak to your university, they should have an accommodation office and/or welfare officer who will be able to give you advice and support to help you find somewhere else to live.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 19:43

Contact a few air B&B hosts. The one I work at has long term contractors and a teacher living there ft /pt. Maybe you could get a good deal?

sugarsprinklesrainbowdrops · 27/07/2019 19:43

@Pinespow you sound like a lovely very understanding sister. I don't think you're at all unreasonable to expect to stay in your room when she has visitors/not be asked to leave altogether. Although you aren't paying rent, it's still your personal space with your personal belongings and your home for now.

rookiemere · 27/07/2019 19:46

OP she wants you to move out , but appears to be unable to have a direct conversation about it. I would let her know that you will move back to your mums but you can't do it tonight as train fares are too expensive.

Original poster
Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:48

thank you for your replies, I find it hard to know if I'm being reasonable as I feel like a bit of a loser having to take charity from my sister.

The relationship itself is very one-sided. It's all about her, always has been. She joked the other day that 90% of our conversations are about her.

I have told her I will move out various times and each time she has begged me not to. I have asked directly as well if she would like me to move out. She's quite to the point so I would expect her to have told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:50

She's just sent me a message along the lines of...

no of course this isn't a long-term arrangement - I will text you tomorrow when you can come back. i like having you here in the week. you can always sleep on the landing Shock if you need to.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2019 19:54
Confused

Can she just not let you share with her when she wants her mates staying?

Very bizarre of her...

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/07/2019 19:55

Have you told her that you really can't afford to get the train to your Mum's and have nowhere else to go? If so then she's being massively unreasonable and it doesn't sound like this arrangement is going to work for much longer.

CSIblonde · 27/07/2019 19:55

So she's used you as a prop when she was down & now she's OK, you've served you're purpose & she wants rid. That's very toxic & can't be good for your own MH. I'd look at a house share or long term Air bnb as pp's have said. A lot of them were I live do discount for longer stays & are really lovely (I love big old houses & quirky so I'm biased). At least then you'd be away from a very unhealthy dynamic & have company occasionally but privacy of your room. Best wishes OP youve been a great sister & deserve better.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/07/2019 19:56

Just seen your update...sleep on the fucking landing?? Why can't her mate sleep on the landing, or better still in their own home Hmm

RandomMess · 27/07/2019 19:57

Could you look for some sort of Au pair post - super cheap lodgings in return for babysitting, some childcare etc?

Bashbaby · 27/07/2019 19:59

She’s being horrid. Basically wants you there through the week when she’s lonely or bored but doesn’t want you about on a weekend when she’s got alternative entertainment! Very self centred! You’re not a loser, she is!

Whatsforu · 27/07/2019 20:04

Yanbu that is poor. I would not treat anybody like that, I am sorry this is happening to you it is shit!!! I would lopk for a room to rent asap she is using you,which is awful. Do you have any good friends?

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 27/07/2019 20:05

Completely agree with @Bashbaby.