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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am, but I feel let down a little bit

152 replies

Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:21

I'm a student at the minute, and have had to live with my sister because of poor mental health and lack of money in the area I live in.

This worked well for my sister because she has recently divorced and doesn't want to be on her own. For months on end I have listened and supported her throughout this, much to the detriment of my own mental health really, and my studies have suffered. I have many times had to come back from nights out/days out/dates because she told me she was "in crises" (I have been suicidal before, so this is not a begrudging task for me). My mental health however is never discussed.

I have the small room in her house. She doesn't charge me rent because she has a good job and I am a student - but I do contribute to bills and buy household items regularly.

She is now over the worst of it and has started socializing again. She has recently started saying that her friends are staying after nights out and will need to stay in my room (with me on the couch). This has made me feel a bit shit (a bit like a sofa surfer loser) because I feel like I can't say anything because it is her house and she's doing me a favour.

Today she has text me saying that she has friends staying after a night out and this will mean I can't stay on the couch or the bedroom she gave me.

I will probably have to travel back to my mum's house (over 2 hours on the train) now, at a massive cost to myself.

I know it's her house, but I just think it's quite shitty.

Prepared to be told to grow up and that i am BU.

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 28/07/2019 13:00

Just reread some of the advice. It’s not normal for her to kick you out of your bed for a night! It’s not acceptable in most other houses, you are not a small child moved to accommodate an adult or a pet animal.

spacedone · 28/07/2019 13:05

Op you need to take a leaf out of her book and cut her off. She's the abusive one, not you.

Snog · 28/07/2019 13:08

Sometimes older people offer a free room in return for company and a little help. Maybe this might work for you?

PunishmentSnart · 28/07/2019 13:08

Good god - you seriously need to take a long hard look at your relationship with her.
Why have you let her treat you like this?
She is abusive and manipulative- do NOT go back. She is a nasty narcissistic woman and it will be a blessing if she cuts you off.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 13:09

Leave leave leave op. Get your stuff. I agree with a pp that you might find it’s not the worst timing after all, that you have so much extra headspace not having to deal with your sister. If your dissertation needs your attention block her for a week, and tell your mum not to pass on messages.

She is full of shit. Don’t take to heart anything she says, she will say whatever works for her.

Original poster
Pinespow · 28/07/2019 13:10

Just looked at the older people house sharing thing - looks perfect! I am a very habitual person and love a good conversation so it would make sense to stay somewhere where this was the norm! Smile

OP posts:
Snog · 28/07/2019 13:12

Your sister should expect her friends to sleep in the sofa or on the landing and not you. I doubt that anyone would say differently to this OP.

If the arrangement has been bad for your own mental health you need to make this a priority and find another place to live.

Maybe being a property guardian could be an option?

Original poster
Pinespow · 28/07/2019 13:16

To answer a few questions:

I need to be in my sister's town for the next 6 weeks for placement. My mum has agreed to give me some money (that I will pay back in installments when I get a job) to help find a temporary accommodation. Alternatively, the older person house share is the best option I think for me, but depends on how quickly that can be arranged.

My sister has told me the friend who stayed thinks I am also abusive and unreasonable - so, I guess she did know the situation and chose not to consider it.

thank you for all the replies, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes I think I am overreacting because of my MH, so it's nice to hear that I may not be in this situation.

OP posts:
DareDevil223 · 28/07/2019 13:16

Please don't engage with your nasty, abusive and manipulative sister again. You are not in the wrong and she will destroy your mental health if you let her. Don't go back and ideally cut contact with her entirely. She doesn't deserve your attention or support.

Blahblahblahnanana · 28/07/2019 13:27

My sister has told me the friend who stayed thinks I am also abusive and unreasonable - so, I guess she did know the situation and chose not to consider it

It doesn’t matter what her ‘friend’ thinks, they only know her side of the story. Any normal person would decline taking your bed and sleep on the sofa, so I honestly wouldn’t worry what her so called friend had said, they probably haven’t even said anything negative about you.

Your sister is a self centred bitch, look after yourself and stop worrying about your sister she’s probably jealous and trying to sabotage your future.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 13:38

Hey how are you guys? Saw you were out last night. Hope you had a nice time? Give me a text next time would love to see you both.
You have no idea what her friend thinks just because your sister has told you. She is full of shit
Also, who cares what her friend thinks? A suitable reply would be great! Sounds like friend can be there for you now I can’t! X

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 13:40

Oops wrong copy paste! It should have pasted the comment about your sister said her friend agrees with you!

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 13:40

Agrees with her! Gah.

spacedone · 28/07/2019 13:53

Your sister is full of shit. She made that stuff up about her friend to try and make her position sound stronger. Don't engage with her anymore.

thetimekeeper · 28/07/2019 14:09

I'm beginning to think maybe I have overreacted, I feel really confused now.

You feel like that because she's gaslighting you. She's being abusive.

My sister has told me the friend who stayed thinks I am also abusive and unreasonable - so, I guess she did know the situation and chose not to consider it.

Firstly, this is a common trick of abusive people - they'll tell you other people have told them how awful or abusive or oversensitive you are. Which makes you doubt yourself, it makes you focus on yourself instead of their abuse towards you, and it makes you feel you can't confide in anybody else about their behaviour because you'll be blamed.

Usually, the people being quoted have not said any such thing.

Occasionally, they may have done, but that still doesn't make it valid. Taking what's happening here, even if the friend had said that she will have been fed your sister's manipulative version of events so doesn't hold the info to make such a judgement - and it's also entirely plausible that the friend is just as abusive as your sister if she genuinely knew exactly what's gone on here and still held that view.

What is it you are supposed to have done that's abusive and manipulative? Hmm

Mousetolioness · 28/07/2019 14:10

Your sister is 6 going on 7 with that last comment but does manage to score 100% for outstanding absence of emotional intelligence...

Coyoacan · 28/07/2019 14:12

Of course your MH is suffering with a sister like that, OP. Hope you find somewhere suitable.

Yabbers · 28/07/2019 14:22

She also said I was "trying to catch her out" using technical language she didn't understand

I don’t understand what this means.

Happynow001 · 28/07/2019 14:34

I'm beginning to think maybe I have overreacted, I feel really confused now.
No OP. You are definitely not over-reacting. She is the one being uncaring and manipulative. Even if you had not been so supportive of her, she should not be treating you better than this!

Don't let her make you think you are in the wrong or stop you from collecting your things and completing your moving out. DO, however, make sure you collect everything, so you can give her key back (I'm sure she'll ask for it back) and make arrangements to live somewhere calmer where you can a) know your bed/room won't just be given away at a whim and b) study in peace.

My sister has told me the friend who stayed thinks I am also abusive and unreasonable - so, I guess she did know the situation and chose not to consider it
Even if this was true (and I doubt it) the situation where you're being taken for granted hasn't changed.

Good that you are looking at alternatives and that your mother has offered to help with a loan.

If you need to block/mute communications with to keep her out of your head whilst you focus on sorting out your accommodation and work on your dissertation you should consider doing so - quietly with no announcement necessary.

Time to focus on yourself for a while and put your own future and needs first.

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2019 14:38

She’s an arsehole, OP. And if her bed-taking friend agrees with her, they are also an arsehole.

You’re not, so crack on and live your life. Your sister can either apologise when she’s ready, or accept you’re not talking to each other.

billybagpuss · 28/07/2019 14:59

Hi OP, have you arranged to pick up the rest of your stuff and good luck at finding somewhere else to live?

The abusive text from Dsis aside, when she's calmed down a bit, provided you've absolutely decided not to go back (which I really hope you don't however easy it seems for the next 6 weeks), just say that the arrangement is no longer working for you as yes it is her flat and she can invite who she wants to stay there but you need the stability of your own room while you are studying.

Do NOT apologise, you have done nothing wrong and she is being a bitch.

good luck with your dissertation and hope everything goes well for you this week.

Original poster
Pinespow · 28/07/2019 17:24

Well she has travelled to my mum's to continue shouting at me in person Sad

i am currently in my room whilst she is speaking to my mum saying how U I am being

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/07/2019 17:27

Hopefully she's brought down the rest of your stuff in order to "kick you out"

Whatisinaname1 · 28/07/2019 17:28

No wonder she's divorced, she's an abusive, nasty person!

Good luck finding a better place, don't bother with her - you need to protect yourself and your MH.

Whatisinaname1 · 28/07/2019 17:29

I hope your mum sticks up for you and isn't weak.