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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am, but I feel let down a little bit

152 replies

Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:21

I'm a student at the minute, and have had to live with my sister because of poor mental health and lack of money in the area I live in.

This worked well for my sister because she has recently divorced and doesn't want to be on her own. For months on end I have listened and supported her throughout this, much to the detriment of my own mental health really, and my studies have suffered. I have many times had to come back from nights out/days out/dates because she told me she was "in crises" (I have been suicidal before, so this is not a begrudging task for me). My mental health however is never discussed.

I have the small room in her house. She doesn't charge me rent because she has a good job and I am a student - but I do contribute to bills and buy household items regularly.

She is now over the worst of it and has started socializing again. She has recently started saying that her friends are staying after nights out and will need to stay in my room (with me on the couch). This has made me feel a bit shit (a bit like a sofa surfer loser) because I feel like I can't say anything because it is her house and she's doing me a favour.

Today she has text me saying that she has friends staying after a night out and this will mean I can't stay on the couch or the bedroom she gave me.

I will probably have to travel back to my mum's house (over 2 hours on the train) now, at a massive cost to myself.

I know it's her house, but I just think it's quite shitty.

Prepared to be told to grow up and that i am BU.

OP posts:
Honeysuckleandroses · 28/07/2019 05:51

Honestly, I think your sister is being a complete self centred bitch. The sooner you get out of her house the better. You need to have your own place and stand on your own two feet. You will get there. She may be giving you a room but she is using you as a prop when she feels down and treating you with no respect. She sounds incredibly insensitive and selfish - it's all about her own needs. Look after yourself, because she won't.

RandomMess · 28/07/2019 07:50

If you are on the dissertation writing how often do you need to go to the uni? Perhaps you can just like with your Mum or do you still have a placement to attend?

jelly79 · 28/07/2019 08:15

This is awful and I am sure any adult would be aware of how this would make anyone feel. Have you spoke to her and told her how this makes you feel?

Mumsymumphy · 28/07/2019 09:14

Sleep on the landing? SLEEP ON THE LANDING???

Dear god, what an awful way to treat someone! You've been there for her, put your own mental health at risk in the process and she treats you like this?

You need to distance yourself now. Let her friends be her next 'prop'.

Mousetolioness · 28/07/2019 09:35

Well, the next time she texts you saying she's 'lonely' - text her back saying you understand exactly how she feels and if she can get over to your Mum's she can stay the night - on the landing!! What a self-centred bitch. A caring and kind human being would give up their own bed first, wouldn't they?

On the plus side, if her circumstances take a huge turn for the worse in the future you won't need to feel duty-bound to house her, will you?

Charley50 · 28/07/2019 09:39

Outrageous behaviour on her part. I would have refused to go actually (you pay toward bills, it's your home at the moment) but made plans to move out.
She's treating you like shit.

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2019 09:47

She’s treating you absolutely appallingly.

Here’s how it goes in normal households: you invite someone to stay or agree to put someone up. For the duration of the time agreed, the room they sleep in becomes the guest’s room to live in as they please and is no longer available to the household as a ‘spare’ room because it is occupied. Any guests invited after this have to fit in wherever (e.g. sofa) or realise there is no room to stay at the moment. Host does not go into the guest’s room without guest’s consent.

If I was one of your sister’s ‘friends’ I wouldn’t accept your room - they must know you live with her at the moment.

Awful! Stay at your mum’s as long as you can until you get something else sorted.

browzingss · 28/07/2019 09:48

For the sake of your own mental health, it would absolutely be worth moving out, even if that means living in a shitty house share temporarily.

Things in life that are ‘free’ typically come at another cost - yes, you live rent free and many others would be jealous, but at what cost? She isn’t treating you well and this is having ramifications on your mental health/self esteem. You don’t even like her!

browzingss · 28/07/2019 09:50

Have you had a look on SpareRoom?

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2019 09:52

so I give her emotional support and I get the room basically

Well, at least this is clear-cut from her end - you can say you no longer want the room so you won’t be available for emotional support!

billybagpuss · 28/07/2019 10:02

You say it couldn’t have happened at a worse time, but at least this way you can do your dissertation away from her ‘emotional support’ and focus on that. Contact the uni first thing Monday morning and see what they can do to support you. You might be able to do distance for a while.

Good luck

Marmozet · 28/07/2019 10:40

Definitely look into the share and care scheme. I think it would be beneficial to you and an elderly person in terms of company and confidence.

Topsecretidentity · 28/07/2019 10:53

Wow she's a massive twat. When my sister was a student she lived with me for a bit but her room was HER ROOM. If I had friends staying I asked her if I could share her bed so my friends could sleep in my room, and she would kindly agree. But I never would ask her to let my friends sleep in her room and invade her personal space like that (even though she occasionally offered). Or even worse, make her sleep on the sofa as if mine and my friends' comfort is more important than my sister's. She's really shown that you are lowest in her list of priorities.

I think this is the best thing that could happen to you- sounds like you are codependent on each other with her emotionally manipulating you, and you're allowing this by responding to her every whim.

I wouldn't move back- people have made excellent suggestions upthread to move (house share, lodging, au pairing etc.). I think it will also be beneficial for your mental health if you put a bit of distance between the two of you.

StrangeLookingParasite · 28/07/2019 12:06

i like having you here in the week. you can always sleep on the landing shock if you need to.

Wow, sh's a fucking cheeky cow. I'm really sorry she's treating you so badly; there's no excuse at all.

brownjumper · 28/07/2019 12:21

Have you explained to her how she's made you feel? You don't say that you have replied to her. I would say, look, do I live here or not? If I do, I'm not sleeping on the landing, your friend can. If I don't, then I'm out of here.

Original poster
Pinespow · 28/07/2019 12:26

thanks for all replies, I will read them all in a moment.

I have a quick update though.

I called my sister this morning to arrange to pick up my stuff.

She said I was "abusive", "manipulative" and "insane" for making a mountain out of a mole hill, that it was her flat and only one night she expected me to sleep not in the bed. She also said I was "trying to catch her out" using technical language she didn't understand. She then said "im done, you're crazy and wont realise it"

She said I was heartless as it is her ex-H bday this week and I should have been more careful in arguing with her.

Sad

I'm beginning to think maybe I have overreacted, I feel really confused now.

OP posts:
WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 28/07/2019 12:35

She is gaslighting you OP.

Leave. And cut contact.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 28/07/2019 12:41

Agree with @WhatTheAbsoluteFuck - she's completely gaslighting you. For your own sake (& sanity), definitely don't go back there other than to pick up your stuff.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2019 12:45

What has her exH's birthday got to do with anything? She is a nasty, manipulative piece of work, OP, and you are definitely better off without her.

My advice would be to mollify her in the short-term, until you can collect your stuff, and then just walk away and stop responding to her.

RaggeddeeAnn · 28/07/2019 12:50

Refuse to leave your room. If your sister can’t respect you as at least a housemate, then move out. Offer to pay a nominal rent amount for the room to formalise things if need be. OR
Get a maintenance loan and live in student housing. Or, if cheaper get a travelcard and commute by train & do as much coursework online as possible from your mums house.
But don’t let her push you around like that.

RandomMess · 28/07/2019 12:50

It doesn't really matter it's not working for either of you, collect your stuff x

Travis1 · 28/07/2019 12:50

How does her ex’s birthday affect her being an utter cretin to you? You are not overreacting. Your sister is a using, manipulative cow. You’re good enough Monday to Friday when she needs someone to keep her company but when she wants a shag she wants you out.

RaggeddeeAnn · 28/07/2019 12:52

Just saw the update- yeah she’s using you for bill money and thinking you can sleep on the floor like a dog. You should move out and not live with her again.

OoohOnly90CaloriesIllhave10 · 28/07/2019 12:53

Sleep on the landing like a dog? And you're making a mountain out of a mole hill?

LTB (I know she's your sister but this still applies!)

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/07/2019 12:57

The only abusive and manipulative one in that conversation was her. She may have problems and you may want to support her through them, but it cannot be at the expense of your own health - especially as you cannot help her if you're dragged down with her. You need to set boundaries with her and stick to them, because giving way on yourself is not helping her.