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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am, but I feel let down a little bit

152 replies

Pinespow · 27/07/2019 19:21

I'm a student at the minute, and have had to live with my sister because of poor mental health and lack of money in the area I live in.

This worked well for my sister because she has recently divorced and doesn't want to be on her own. For months on end I have listened and supported her throughout this, much to the detriment of my own mental health really, and my studies have suffered. I have many times had to come back from nights out/days out/dates because she told me she was "in crises" (I have been suicidal before, so this is not a begrudging task for me). My mental health however is never discussed.

I have the small room in her house. She doesn't charge me rent because she has a good job and I am a student - but I do contribute to bills and buy household items regularly.

She is now over the worst of it and has started socializing again. She has recently started saying that her friends are staying after nights out and will need to stay in my room (with me on the couch). This has made me feel a bit shit (a bit like a sofa surfer loser) because I feel like I can't say anything because it is her house and she's doing me a favour.

Today she has text me saying that she has friends staying after a night out and this will mean I can't stay on the couch or the bedroom she gave me.

I will probably have to travel back to my mum's house (over 2 hours on the train) now, at a massive cost to myself.

I know it's her house, but I just think it's quite shitty.

Prepared to be told to grow up and that i am BU.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 27/07/2019 22:08

Sleep on the landing? Surely she could let you share her room if it was really necessary for a friend to sleep in your room?

It does sound a very toxic relationship where you have been gaslighted to feel you are at fault/being unreasonable. I would definitely look to make alternative living arrangements. If you need to stay with her for the meantime I would have a serious conversation where you explain that you have mental health issues too and the support needs to be give and take not all one sided. I would also tell her that while you are there you should have sole use of 'your' room and will not be turfed out at her every whim.

I wonder what her friends think about using your room after nights out? Do they know you just get thrown out? Very odd.

Newschapter · 27/07/2019 22:12

@Pinespow do you think it's a male friend she's bringing home and wants you out of the way?

Either way, it's a shitty way to treat you.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2019 22:17

She's awful. You really need to talk to her seriously tomorrow.

Piehunter · 27/07/2019 22:22

Ah so she wants you there for lonely weeknights, but out the way at weekends when she's offering her place out to friends to avoid taxi fare back I'd guess. I'm so sorry :( she's using you in a really horrible and ungrateful way. She's got what she needed, and she still wants the household contributions and company on a weekday but that's 100% not fair or acceptable... You're NOT BU to be upset, you've given her everything you can and she treats you like an inconvenience :(

Cinammoncake · 27/07/2019 22:24

Yes perhaps she's shagging. Sounds more likely. I'd move out if I were you. As pp have suggested, au pair or offer to live somewhere you could do some childcare/housework in exchange for rent? A lot easier than listening to her moaning on all about herself.

Mammyloveswine · 27/07/2019 22:50

Op that's awful...I'm so sorry! Hugs to you.

YANBU but your sister is being a total bitch! What has your mum said about the whole thing? Mine would be raging!

pintsizeduck · 27/07/2019 22:58

YANBU. Your sister sounds awful. Her friends could stay on the sofa or on the floor if necessary. If she's kicking you out, she needs to give you notice.

fourandnomore · 27/07/2019 23:12

Op I’m so sorry that you are feeling so upset, this is awful. I would be very honest with your mum about what has happened and as a previous poster suggests speak to uni about how they can help. There are hardship funds for this type of situation that people hardly ever access. I worked at a uni and honestly they will help however they can. I used to be a tutor/warden in halls as a postgrad student and I think we paid about £400 a term including food and just had to be on duty one in six nights in case of any issues (rarely anything bad). Certainly worth looking into! I hope your mum is supportive and can help you get your stuff. You deserve so much better.

MyOtherProfile · 27/07/2019 23:40

Can your mum mediate?

Original poster
Pinespow · 28/07/2019 00:02

Thank you all for the replies, they have been so helpful. There has been a lot of gaslighting in the last few months and it's sad to think that my MH has been made a lot worse by her.

In the past I have tried to boundary the relationship (because of my therapist's advice), but I was told by her that she gives me a roof over my head, and that other people support people in different ways - so I give her emotional support and I get the room basically.

She has a way of making my MH problems seem like a major cause of arguments in the house. I have PTSD and she says that my judgement is "clouded" and I am self-centred, only interested in talking about myself.

I think the sad thing is that I don't like her as a person, she is very nasty.

I am looking into the au pair and the residential hall mentors jobs now (and applying to a few), thanks so much for the suggestion. i'm writing my dissertation at the minute, so the kicking out thing couldn't come at a worst time Sad

My mum is very upset with her but no one ever confronts her as she just cuts contact with anyone who criticizes her.

It will be interesting to see how she reacts in the week when Im not there ... she text me on Wednesday when I was back late from placement at 6pm saying she was lonely..

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 28/07/2019 00:14

She sounds like one of the worst people I’ve read about on Mumsnet, tbh. I find it hard to believe she has any friends if she’s capable of treating anyone, let alone a sister, like that.
I’m glad you’re looking into alternatives - there have to be better options than being at the mercy of such a cruelly selfish bitch.

Jente · 28/07/2019 00:55

Sheesh, what a cow. Get yourself something better OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Only to yourself if you allow yourself to be treated like this.
You deserve way better.

PupsAndKittens · 28/07/2019 00:59

Op, I am so sorry to hear this Sad

Please don’t feel like it is your fault. It’s not. She is probably the most UR person on a AIBU that I have ever read TBH. Also her friends must be completely selfish as well. (Obviously only if they know what she is doing to you. There is a chance that they don’t)

Would it be possible to stay at your mums house until you could find a permanent residency.

Hope you get this sorted out Flowers

northerngirl2012 · 28/07/2019 01:10

www.shareandcare.co.uk/

northerngirl2012 · 28/07/2019 01:11

You’re sister is an arse, but the above housing scheme is a permanent home for you across the uk, in return for companionship for elderly people. Low rents.

RubberTreePlant · 28/07/2019 01:38

you can always sleep on the landing shock

Are you sure that's what she said?!

Batshittery · 28/07/2019 01:46

Your sister is a twat. My sister is the same. Do yourself a favour and get her out of your life. You'll feel so much better for it. Good luck OP Thanks

SandyY2K · 28/07/2019 01:46

YANBU

That's not nice of her. Why can't her friends sleep on the sofa?

Can you move out and back to your mum's?

MaintainTheMolehill · 28/07/2019 01:50

Time to think of yourself op. You have done more than enough for her. Good luck with the dissertation and remember you are just as important in the world as she is so why settle for being treated like you're not.

HappyLoneParentDay · 28/07/2019 02:06

She reminds me of my ex best friend of 20 years. Out & out Narcissist. Incapable of showing any kind of compassion or empathy with anybody. She was always much more important than anyone else. Makes me so angry when I think of the time I wasted on her.
I know she's your sis but I strongly advise going NC with her from now on. She won't ever change

EileenAlanna · 28/07/2019 02:42

She's being a total dick. Do whatever you need to to move out but when you go let her know that it was anything less than her being a dick that forced your move. You're worth more than this, even if she doesn't think you are.

Happynow001 · 28/07/2019 02:56

Hi OP. I would remember her actions and general negativity next time she asks you for support. You've been a supportive sister to her but she really doesn't seem to care for you at all.

Once you've got the rest of your stuff make the resolution not to return. You need peace and quiet to write your dissertation so either stay with your mother or investigate one of the alternatives of possible.

I would also, quietly and temporarily, distance yourself from her so that you can focus on your own next steps without her trying to make you feel bad.

She has really shown you her true colours now she no longer needs you. 🌹

Candymay · 28/07/2019 04:11

You’re moving on to a new chapter! Don’t go back. Don’t allow resentment to bite away at you. You’ve been a good sister and she has treated you badly. But now onwards to the next phase of your life. Good luck!

spacedone · 28/07/2019 05:36

I would have told her I either live there or I don't. You can't pick and choose. I'm glad you've left and I hope you won't be sucked in by her gaslighting into going back. To be honest I would go no contact with her. She adds nothing to your life.

Sashkin · 28/07/2019 05:50

I think I might be understanding why she's divorced. What an utterly appalling way to treat someone. Fucking hell.

Couldn’t have put it better myself. Your sister is a little bitch who’s enjoying humiliating you, OP. I bet she doesn’t even have anyone coming round, she’s just doing this to put you in your place. Don’t go back.