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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask do you trust your OH 100%

178 replies

namechange14 · 27/07/2019 15:24

Name changed for this but post regularly.

I see a lot of post's on here about people & their DH/DW about phone passwords and trust etc

So AIBU to ask do you trust your OH 100% and if not why/in what way?

I know if my DH went on a night out with the lads or similar I could trust him 100% to not even look at another woman! But I would be sat wondering if he was tempted to take drugs... So I guess it depends what way you look at trust!

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 27/07/2019 20:44

No I don't trust dh, I used to until he had an EA with someone at work. He 'was' one of the good guys who would never do anything like that. All our close friends thought he'd be the last one out of all of us to cheat. It started off innocently and then snowballed into him being a lying dickhead

No one gets married to their oh thinking that they'll get cheated on or cheat. You only have to go over to the relationship boards to see how many hundreds if not more people have been fucked over and never saw it coming because their 'not the type to cheat'. I never ever checked his phone or emails. I bloody should of done!

fancynancyclancy · 27/07/2019 20:47

Also i’m off an age where people I know have been married a while & have small children & marriages are feeling the strain. The mistakes some of my friends/acquaintances have made (male & female) has genuinely shocked me & have been very out of character. I’ve known plenty of them for 15 yrs plus.

Oblomov19 · 27/07/2019 20:56

I trust him. He's old fashioned with old fashioned values, like me.

Early on, one of his friends cheated on his wife and he told me how he viewed cheating. He told me he'd never ever cheat on me. He said he'd leave me, before he cheated on me. I told him I felt the same.

I've always had very strong views on cheating. They haven't changed.

U2HasTheEdge · 27/07/2019 20:57

I don't even trust myself 100%. You never know what the future holds. Life can change very quickly.

I do not feel the need to check up on him and I do not worry about him cheating on me, but I will never say that I am 100% sure he won't ever do so. Who knows what the future holds.

It is pretty clear that many people are cheated on who would never have believed their partner was capable of it. Most people believed their partner would never cheat until they did. They trusted them just as strongly as some people on this thread do. Plus, it is amazing how some people can rewrite history to justify it when their head has been turned.

I don't go around worrying about it or even thinking about it, but to trust anyone 100% is naive.

Sexnotgender · 27/07/2019 20:59

Yes, 100%.

U2HasTheEdge · 27/07/2019 21:01

Everyone says that. Everyone. And they mostly mean it at the time.

2cats2many · 27/07/2019 21:01

No. Everyone has the capacity to behave badly. It doesn't keep me up at night though. I just don't bank all my happiness and security with him.

omione · 27/07/2019 21:08

100%, we share a phone, no point in having 2 as we spend most of the time together besides no other woman would put up with him being unable to do any housework/cooking/laundry

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/07/2019 21:14

I trust my DH. I agree with another poster that you cannot know what someone else will do and we all have free will. Of course he will notice other women sometimes. We are married, not dead. But l trust that if he was not happy with me, or very attracted to someone else, he would discuss it with me.

MiniMum97 · 27/07/2019 21:16

I am not understanding this "I don't trust him not to take drugs". Surely that's his choice as an adult and unless they've had addiction issues or other problems have occurred as a result of drug use that affect you I don't see why you think can tell your partner what to do, and then feel like they've betrayed your trust if they decide not to do as you say.

aquarianaura · 27/07/2019 21:20

Do I trust him to wash the pots within a reasonable time frame after being asked? No.

But everything else, 100%. In the beginning of our relationship I was an absolute paranoid mess. I ended up being really horrible to him, was checking his phone when he was sleeping, constantly accusing him of being with other women, etc. etc. Completely my own issues, nothing he ever did.

Honestly if he could live with that, he'll stay with me through anything. He supported me no matter what and helped me get well and he's built up my self esteem, worth, trust, etc. I've given him so many chances to fuck off with someone else, actively pushed him away, etc. and he hasn't once left my side. He's also been cheated on a few times in the past and has had generally horrific relationships so he knows how that feels and would never do that to anyone.

As for "looking" at other women, well we do that together, being two people with similar tastes in women who recognise that normal people can have a committed relationship whilst also acknowledging that other people are still attractive. Baffles me when people think that you suddenly can't look at anyone else ever when you're with someone. It's healthy to recognise and appreciate beauty (within boundaries of course).

Goforitgirl · 27/07/2019 21:21

Grammarist · 27/07/2019 21:23

I did...
Then he started having an affair.

Sproink · 27/07/2019 21:29

100%

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/07/2019 21:31

Some posters are confusing with not trusting another person %100 - with worrying all day about what they're up to. Thats not the case with most and anyone in that situation needs to leave.

BreconBeBuggered · 27/07/2019 21:35

I don't see any point in not trusting my DH. Who the fuck knows what tomorrow might bring, but today I have no reason not to trust him 100%.

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2019 21:36

Nope. I used to trust him 100%, and would never have thought that he would cheat; but he did. I’ve learnt through experience that people can act in a way you would never think possible. I’m no longer that smug person bleating how my DH would never do anything to hurt me - I think most men if faced with the opportunity would take it and run with it.

BillyAndTheSillies · 27/07/2019 21:47

I trust DH a hell of a lot, but I don't know if I'd trust him less if he still drank. He gave up about two years before he met me and while he wasn't a ladies man, he was a liability.

I definitely trust him more than I've trusted anyone before, which I'm guessing is why he's my DH. On one of our first dates, he was going outside for a smoke, I stayed in the restaurant and commented I didn't have my phone. He passed me his, I knew then at that early stage I could trust him.

He definitely looks at other women but I'd like to think he'd not follow up on anything.

LemonTT · 27/07/2019 22:14

I think there is a difference between giving someone your trust and being 100% certain about how they will behave in any situation. You can’t know the later, because you never know 100% of anyone. Even they don’t know themselves completely.

As we grow to know someone we make judgements on their character and really we are just trusting our own judgements.

Mind you Drink and drugs can change a person and their inhibitions. I think you are fool to put trust in a drinker or drug taker.

tequilasunrises · 27/07/2019 22:16

I’d love to think DH would never lie/cheat/steal etc but it’s impossible to say for certain that he wouldn’t. I definitely don’t fret about it though, because he’s given me no reason to question he’s character or his love of me.

I cringe a little when people say their DP would NEVER cheat. It’s so often the ones you never expect. Having access to their phone passcode is all well and good, but you hear of partners with secret phones and even secret lives.

Nobody can know 100% what someone else is up to. I have my DH on find friends but it doesn’t always show his location. I’ve never assumed that’s because he’s in a hotel room with another woman but who knows!

A woman I know was engaged to her DP and they had a son and a house. Lovely couple, seemed great together. Then he went on a stag do and got another woman pregnant, now he’s with her.

Sounds pessimistic but I’d never say I 100% trust another human.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/07/2019 22:16

As much as I can trust another person, I trust my DH. It would astonish me if he did anything out of character, he is so solid in his morality and value system.

I am not complacent or naive. We talk, we respect each other.

And things happen that crush the best of us, so am grateful for what we have now. If we also get to grow old (er) and stay as we are as people, I shall be grateful and very lucky.

AGnu · 27/07/2019 22:20

I don't think I'm actually capable of trusting anyone 100% but DH is the closest I get. If he was out with friends & not answering his phone I'd jump to "dead in a ditch" before it even occurred to me to wonder about another woman.

TemporaryPermanent · 27/07/2019 22:23

When I'm with a partner it's because I trust them in most things, most of the time. I would never trust anyone to do everything perfectly all the time because they're human.

I'm bad at communicating and that causes major problems in all my relationships. So I'm not 100% trustworthy myself in that it can take me forever to actually say what's bothering me. If my h were unable to have sex ever again, or wanted it twice a year, I would tell him it didn't bother me. It would, massively. I have no idea how to talk about that stuff. I could easily be unfaithful thinking it was the least hurtful option. One of the reasons I'm single and in therapy.

LuckyAmy1986 · 27/07/2019 23:10

Oblomov19 · 28/07/2019 09:57

"Everyone says that. Everyone." ie that they ring cheat? They'd leave you first.

I disagree. Many people I know don't think that, don't say it. They don't feel as strongly about cheating as I do.

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