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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with us, when he hates his body

127 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 10:57

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up, because it's difficult for me to take 2 non-swimmers on my own. Not impossible, because Dd can just about touch the floor, but difficult. And because I feel strongly that the kids should go swimming regularly to develop water confidence. He feels that I should take them on my own because he hates it, and feels like people are looking at him because very skinny and has some vitiligo around his torso. I genuinely don't know which of us is being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 27/07/2019 10:59

You need him there. I think it's dangerous for you to take them both on your own. Yanbu.

RevealTheLegend · 27/07/2019 11:01

Can he wear a rash vest?

Angrybird123 · 27/07/2019 11:05

Sorry but I think YABU. Buy swimming aids (woggles are best) and stay in the shallow end. Ask him to come and be on hand to help with changing afterwards, that's always the tricky bit). If a woman posted that she had serious issues with her appearance but her husband was giving her a hard time to make his life easier he'd get a roasting. He can go along and be helpful just not actually in the water. Maybe look into lessons for the older one?

dementedpixie · 27/07/2019 11:05

Our pool wouldn't let 1 adult be in charge of 2 children of that age

Mammyloveswine · 27/07/2019 11:05

I thought under 5s had to be 1-1? The thought of taking my two to the pool on my own fills me with dread!

Angrybird123 · 27/07/2019 11:06

Oh and it's not 'dangerous' to take two on your own if you are vigilant and suitably prepared. The other alternative is to alternate and take them separately

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:06

My dh is overweight and hates being in a pool. Does it for ds though. He wants to see him having fun and do all the df stuff!
Nobody cares what anyone looks like! The only time I have stared was when an extremely hairy man got in the pool and all his hair floated upwards! Shock

Lindormilk · 27/07/2019 11:07

Take one child

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 11:07

My 4yo has a woggle. There is no shallow end, pool is a constant depth where Dd can touch the bottom on tip toe. I've previously only taken them both on my own in a Thursday morning when it's super quiet. Dd asked if we would take her today because her sleepover with grandparents was cancelled and she was upset.

OP posts:
Wherearemycrayons · 27/07/2019 11:08

I’ve got vitiligo and for someone who doesn’t have it it’s very hard to understand the mental impact it has.
YANBU for wanting him to come with you but YABU for the way you’re dealing with it. You need to make him feel attractive/like he has nothing to worry about and go in from that angle. We’d expect it the other way round.
My husband tells me every day how beautiful I am and that it’s what makes me, me. I go swimming with both my kids. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean body image self consciousness should go unsupported by you. You’d expect it from him.

IsobelRae23 · 27/07/2019 11:08

I’ve never noticed anyone else body negatively when I’ve been swimming. Only time I’ve ever considered someone else, was when a big/large lady a few years ago, got into the pool, and I remember thinking ‘I wish I had her confidence’ because she didn’t hide behind a towel etc, as I was at a size 18 at the time, and it gave me the confidence to not care the next time I went, and I haven’t hid since. I’m now a 14/16 so slowly losing, but I don’t have the hang ups I did before, if that makes any sense.

So seriously no one will be looking at your dh, I’ve learnt that most people either a) are more worried about themselves b) more concerned with their eyes on their children c) are there for fitness and not fun, so are concentrating on doing laps!

But I also know that when you are worried about your body, no matter how many times someone says ‘you look fine, no one cares’ etc, that message doesn’t skink in, because you’ve already programmed your brain so that it is a negative experience.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/07/2019 11:08

Sorry, but your DH needs to get over himself. No-one is looking at him, and even if they are, so what?

He's currently denying his DC the chance to go swimming, especially if the pool you want to use has a rule that prevents you taking both in at the same time, which many do.

Cautionsharpblade · 27/07/2019 11:08

Easy - take one child and apologise to the poor fella

hidinginthenightgarden · 27/07/2019 11:09

Tell him to put a shirt on or something?

Bunnybigears · 27/07/2019 11:09

My DH has very severe body confidence issues and wont come in the pool with me and the kids or even take his long sleeved shirt off even when we were in Portugal in the middle of a heatwave. I soon learnt to just leave the issue and let him have it as a non negotiable as he is fantastic in lots of other ways. At 2 and 4 I would maybe take them swimming individually as it would be easier and they can have some one on one time. DH can look after the one not swimming and swap them over at pool side and get the first one dry while you are swimming with the other one etc. It wont be long until they are a little older and it is easier to deal with them both in the pool at once.

Thehop · 27/07/2019 11:10

Ask him to come with you to watch and help with changing.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 11:10

I can take just Dd today given the circumstances. Inevitably my youngest misses out as Dd requests to go. I just think it's such a shame that essentially we'll never go swimming as a family. I don't think anyone will be looking at him. I don't think anyone will care.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 27/07/2019 11:11

Our local pool won’t allow 1 adult with 2 dc, of the dc are under 2. However yours are over that so you would be deemed as safe

To be fair to him if I hated my body you wouldn’t get me in a swimsuit and in a pool, it’s horrible being semi naked when you feel really self conscious about your body. So I’m inclined to say yabu

Is there nobody that can go instead? A grandparent? Mil often comes with me and dc as we go during dh working hours

Bunnybigears · 27/07/2019 11:11

Sorry, but your DH needs to get over himself. No-one is looking at him, and even if they are, so what

I suppose you also think people with depression or anxiety or anorexia should just get over themselves as well?

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 11:14

@wherearemycrayons thanks for your point of view. I guess I struggle to do that, there's no convincing him.

OP posts:
dancingrobot · 27/07/2019 11:15

I understand your position OP.
But as someone who has suffered from body image issues I think YABU.

My best friend has a bad case of psoriasis and I would never tell her to "get over herself or wear a vest" like PPs are suggesting.

My solution would be swimming lessons one child at a time.

Not convenient but if I was your husband this whole thing would make things even harder for me to deal with my image perception problems.

funnylittlefloozie · 27/07/2019 11:15

Bunnybigears, self-consciousness is NOT the same thing as anorexia or depression. What a silly thing to say. The OPs husband COULD go swimming with his kids if he wanted to, he is just making excuses. He could wear a rash vest if he was really bothered about his appearance.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 11:15

He had a rash vest but didn't like it and felt people would look at him for wearing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
raspberryk · 27/07/2019 11:19

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable tbh.

littlepaddypaws · 27/07/2019 11:20

with all due respects you can't know how he feels deep down about himself and if he is miserable it's not going to help his self confidence.
he can go and help with the kids before and after, what's wrong with taking in one child at a time ? bit of a faff but they aren't that young forever.
it doesn't matter that someone else in the pool is 25 st if they are happy to be there but not everyone would be.
to some pp telling him to get on with it for his dc comes across a bit as bullying,
you wouldn't say that if op hated water or was self conscious about her body image.

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