Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with us, when he hates his body

[Indecisivelurcher]

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up, because it's difficult for me to take 2 non-swimmers on my own. Not impossible, because Dd can just about touch the floor, but difficult. And because I feel strongly that the kids should go swimming regularly to develop water confidence. He feels that I should take them on my own because he hates it, and feels like people are looking at him because very skinny and has some vitiligo around his torso. I genuinely don't know which of us is being unreasonable here.

Tell him to wear a rash vest - they are made from the same material as swimmers. My son uses a vest to cover his excema as he feels embarrassed about this.

If I was self conscious about my image I'd still go. But I'm just like that. I'd get a bit f*ck-it-y and go.

But thanks to those saying iabu, I'm going to mellow on this and talk it through when dh is back from angry dog walk!

YANBU-Your DH chose to become a parent which means that his issues take a backseat when the DC's welfare is at stake.

Becoming a parent doesn't mean that you stop being a person in your own right. The DCs welfare isn't at stake either - they can easily have swimming lessons or go one at a time with their mum until they can safely keep themselves above water.

I don't think going swimming is a matter of welfare.
Feeling shit about yourself is, though, and I think its awful to pressurise someone to get over themself.

Your DH chose to become a parent which means that his issues take a backseat when the DC's welfare is at stake.

No ones welfare is at stake (apart from maybe the DHs) OP would prefer DH to come with them but it is not essential. I get it I really do as I said earlier my DH refuses to come in the pool with us, we have argued about it, I have cried with disappointment that the kids are missing out he is missing out etc but it certainly not a welfare issue.

Can he go with you to child mind, but stay in tee shirt & shorts and not go in ?

So he just looks after one child while you go swimming with the other and then you swap kids ?

The thought of going into the pool is obviously giving him some anxiety. Can he not come with you to help you change the kids and watch you 3 swim? That way he would still be there and have some involvement. I think that's a pretty decent compromise given the situation. Maybe if he continues to go with you to the pool he might one day decide to take the plunge (excuse the pun) and go into the water.

arma it's welfare issue with the dc ? you sound like one of those parents !
as someone said you might be a parent but you are still a person with feelings, why should he have to wear a rash vest ? that's not going to help his self esteem to his mind it would possibly be like a beacon making him stand out even more.

I am literally in the same position with my DH.

TBH, I wouldn't be happy if he forced me to do something I hate.

I tend to take them one at a time. It wouldn't be fun with DH there as he'd be so unhappy and actually I enjoy the bit if one on one time I get with he boys.

Put them in lessons?

My DP is taking our older 2 today, as I wouldn't be seen dead in swimwear (I'm fat and covered in psoriasis!). I take them to their weekly lesson and DP takes them weekly for fun.

The issue is that it’s impacting on his family... for that I’d be annoyed

I just think it's such a shame that essentially we'll never go swimming as a family.

A shame yes

The end of your children's worlds - no

And your lack of compassion for your DH is breathtaking

Is there a backstory here which you're not telling us (DH is usually woosy and lets the side down) or are you simply lacking in empathy generally ?

Hmmm. Shall I start a list of things that I’ve done for my DC that I really didn’t want to do ? I’m sure we’ve all got one. I appreciate the MH angle as I have had bad PND twice but a rash guard would be fine and he has to learn to cope. Most people will be too preoccupied with their own DC or swim to even look at anyone else.

If he goes once and it’s fine, then he will feel so much better and is a chance to have some fun with the DC.

I was in Centre Parcs last week & plenty of adults - both male & female were wearing t-shirts, I’m assuming for body issues.

No-one looked twice, try & convince him to wear a top.

This is an easy solve.

The four of you go to the pool. You get changed while he gets the 4 year old changed. You and 4 year old go for swim while he looks after 2 year old. After 25 minutes he gets 2 year old changed. After 30 minutes you and 4 year old get out and you swap kids. He gets 4 year old dressed and then looks after him while you swim with 2 year old. After another 30 mins you and 2 year old get out. You get you dressed while he gets 2 year old dressed.

Fab for you because you get all the lovely swimming without the awful getting them changed afterwards when you are cold and wet yourself. Fab for him because he doesn’t need to take off so much as a sock. Fab for the kids as they both get to swim with a 1:1 adult but there is then is someone dry who can get them dry much easier.

Hi OP

Have you checked the rules of your pool, most wont let you be in charge of 2 kids under a certain age like 5

It's hard as I can understand him feeling like that. Is he looking at everyone else in the pool though? No because he is more worried about how he looks. Which is exactly how everyone else feels as people are inherently self focused.

What does he tell your kids about why he wont go? What does he think of the message it sends them that what you look like is more important than what you do?

@lawnmowingsucks six of one half dozen of the other?

Mine both had these type of swim vests. You can remove the bits from inside as they become more confident. They give great peace of mind. I know that's not the issue but if you do end up going in on your own.....

-Your DH chose to become a parent which means that his issues take a backseat when the DC's welfare is at stake

No one's welfare is at stake.

What @BigChocFrenzy said

‘Can he go with you to child mind, but stay in tee shirt & shorts and not go in ?

So he just looks after one child while you go swimming with the other and then you swap kids ?’

When did he last go to a pool? If he goes as a spectator to start he may realise there’s all sorts at swimming pools and it may put him at ease.
I understand you think it’s a shame as it is but the more he goes and sees the kids having fun the more likely he may be to join in.
Failing that alternate turns each week on your own. He can have one on one time with the other doing something else fun and there’s still time to do stuff as a family.

Yanbu to ask and he’s not being unreasonable to say no. You insisting on it isn’t right and you should stop turning this into a row.

You see all sorts in the pool, many body shapes, many signs of illness, many poor tattoos, many levels of fitness. None of these stay in your mind when you're swimming.

My DH only goes swimming on holiday because of body confidence issues. My children were 19 months apart but I still managed to take them swimming on my own. We had a baby pool that I used mostly but we would venture to the big pool / they both had swim vests on so didn't need to hold them all the time.