Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with us, when he hates his body

[Indecisivelurcher]

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up, because it's difficult for me to take 2 non-swimmers on my own. Not impossible, because Dd can just about touch the floor, but difficult. And because I feel strongly that the kids should go swimming regularly to develop water confidence. He feels that I should take them on my own because he hates it, and feels like people are looking at him because very skinny and has some vitiligo around his torso. I genuinely don't know which of us is being unreasonable here.

I don't think he is being unreasonable to be honest, it's not like he just can't be arsed. How would you feel if you felt that way and he was pressuring you to go and dismissing your feelings? Is there something else he can do with the children? Any way to help build his confidence?

OP good to see you’ve taken the advice on board I think the way round it is to take them one at a time and alternate.
Make sure your DH does something fun with the one not swimming and it could turn into a nice bit of regular one on one time with mum and dad for both of them.
Not so good if DH just sits at home on his area while you go out swimming though.

Can't you just put them in swimming lessons? If it makes him uncomfortable i think it's unfair to push it.

Swimming lessons and going swimming are two different things though really. Swimming lessons will make it easier for OP to take both swimming herself (though maybe initially increased water confidence without actual increased swimming ability could make it worse for a while :) ). But going swimming is much more about fun and family time than lessons are.

One at a time wouldn't work for us - my two need at least a couple of hours in at a time and have done since they were tiny. Do you have another pool which is a bit more practical? Our nearest one is a rectangle of water, so we go to one further away which has a beach entry so the little ones can play in the 'shallows' and be a bit more autonomous than when you have to actually hold them up all the time,

Could he go with you, oldest gets to watch for the first half an hour whilst youre in pool with LO, then you swap - DH gets LO dried and dressed while you stay in pool joined by 4yo?

I'm overweight and have scars on my body, I wouldnt be seen dead in a swimsuit, even for my son.

I meant on different days.

@WaxOnFeckOff yes but it isn't really a "necessity" is it, it's a niceity, if her DH feels that uncomfortable with it I really don't think the children are missing out massively, lots of families don't swim together, all that matters is that they learn. If this was a husband saying his wife had body confidence issues I very much doubt people would be forcing her to go.

My DP is overweight and has the same condition. I said to him wear a t-shirt. I thought to myself if I can suck it up for our DD after putting on four stone during pregnancy he bloody can also. And give him his due he did. I said to him once ur in the water no one gives a crap anyway they can't see u. Just tell him to put an old t-shirt on who cares! And it will hide his body. Hope your DCs get to go swimming today.
Find it frustrating as women we have to suck it up all of the time. Bloody silly dances and nursery rhymes and kids parties and swimming and the rest not to mention showcasing our vaginas to the world to have children. I say it's only fair he has to suck it up once every few weeks for the benefit of the kids.

YABVU - give the guy a break - he doesn't want to be (near)naked in public!

I’m a swimmer- thousands of m per week, usually around 10k - 12k - although I wasn’t always that accomplished. I learnt to swim 4 years ago

I’m overweight- a lot less than I was,

Let me reassure you that NOBODY OF ANY CONSEQUENCE ever looks at any other swimmer, even if your h was there to get fit, the only reaction he’d get from “proper” swimmers would be “good on you mate! Stick at it!”

If he’s conscious of his skin, wearing a rash shirt is absolutely fine.

I really hope he can find a way to stop worrying about others, it’s so unimportant.

He has you. You love him and find him attractive, his kids love him just there way he is, I hope he can find that within himself too.

Your children should be getting swimming lessons . And stop trying to force your DH to do something he isn't comfortable with.

I don’t think YABU. I have similar worries to your husband, due to weight loss and gain over the years, skin and scarring etc. But, I think it’s really important to model to my D.C that our hang ups shouldn’t limit our experiences. So I bought myself swim gear I’m slightly more comfortable in (knee length swim shorts and a high necked costume), I woman up and I get on with it. My kids love swimming, as do I, it’s great exercise and an important life skill.

Often at swim lessons now, teachers in the water wear a looser fitting t shirt style top and shorts. Would something like that make him feel more comfortable? I see a range of swim wear in the pool these days, women in shorts like myself, lots of men in rash vests, ‘modest’ swim wear too. My DH wears a rash vest. No one has given him a second look.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable asking him to come. Nor do I think he’s unreasonable not to want to. His body his choice.

But as a pp said I’ve only ever seen bigger people swimming/at the gym and thought I wished I had his/her confidence.

There’s a lady at my gym who has told me she’s lost 8 stone and is still 22 stone. (I super liked her gym outfit and asked her where it was from). I would probably just hide away if I was that big but that’s my issue. No one else’s.

@avalanching - yes, I agree that he shouldn't be forced to go, I said that in an earlier post. I was commenting that swimming lessons isn't really the same thing as "going swimming". Some DC never go swimming and grow up perfectly happy and healthy. OP can still take one at a time or two together with support and it wont be long until they don't want parents there at all, so it really isn't a permanent situation. Her DH can bond in other ways.

YABVU - give the guy a break - he doesn't want to be (near)naked in public!

Well, I'm sure a lot of us feel self-conscious in the pool, but it's a bit crap for us to never take our kids swimming because of it.

Tomorrow, I will squeeze my fat arse into a swimming suit and take my kids to the pool as they are desperate to go.

@WaxOnFeckOff I see what you're saying. I think the swimming lesson comments are just to address the more "mandatory" element of children swimming, for their safety. And then emphasising anything above that, ie family swims, aren't really necessary making it unfair to put pressure on him. We all know the impact of body confidence issues, none of us can know the severity of his, he may be using it as an excuse being lazy, or he may be genuinely crippled with anxiety due to it, only the OP can weigh up the situation really. But so long as the children are learning to swim, I don't think it's something to get too obsessed over.

True. I totally understand where it's coming from and can totally emphaasise with them both to be honest. It is what it is really and they need to find a way.

I don't particularly like swimming myself, not a body confidence issue, just really couldn't be arsed with the faff if I'm honest. I did make the effort to go though as DC and DH loved it and it was laziness (and to be fair i usually enjoyed it when i was there). I don't think that's the situation here though so compromise is definitely needed.

DSs did swimming lessons all the way up to their life guard certificates but whilst they enjoyed that, they saw it as work rather than pleasure if that makes sense? So, if OPs daughter loves going to the pool. i'd keep doing that, as well as lessons as far as can be managed.

I think getting the DH poolside is the way to go, he might see what he is missing and decide it's worth more than how he is feeling. If he was carrying younger DC is might make him feel less exposed too.

*empathise that was meant to say...

YANBU. I think it's worth pointing out to him that not going because he's embarrassed about his appearance does not send a good message to your kids re body confidence.

Loass blokes wear swim tops in our pool. No big deal

Both go, you take one child into the water at a time and he does the changing and supervision of each non-swimming child as a PP said. Or take one child by yourself whilst he has some 1:1 with the other, and swap-over next time.

This stage won't last long. Next summer your then 5-year-old will be taller and much more confident due to having 1:1 sessions with than they would be if you either didn’t go at all or had both children in the water at the same time this year. If you don't go at all, you'll be in the same situation next year.

My DH won’t come swimming for health reasons so I have always taken my two on their own from a very young age. It’s perfectly doable you just need to be organised. From age of about 2 mine used Delphin swing discs that you can take one off at a time as they get better. Hardest part was getting dried and changed - I used to always have snacks and a buggy for they youngest to make it more bearable. Once we got in this routine we used to go quite often.

*swim not swing

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up
Why the fuck would you force someone to show their body when you KNOW how they feel about it?!
Would you emotionally blackmail and force a woman to walk around in skimpy clothes showing off her body if she didn't feel comfortable?
Would you be verbally aggressive and force your children to do the same if they didn't feel comfortable?

Just because YOU don't feel uncomfortable showing your body doesn't mean his feelings are less valid.
Plenty of parents take 2 dc swimming all by themselves and manage fine - if YOU can't manage that then just take one child at a time.
He can look after the other child.
It's a fine example you're setting for your DC - "You have no right to bodily autonomy and it's normal to let other people make you do things that you don't feel comfortable doing"