Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with us, when he hates his body

[Indecisivelurcher]

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up, because it's difficult for me to take 2 non-swimmers on my own. Not impossible, because Dd can just about touch the floor, but difficult. And because I feel strongly that the kids should go swimming regularly to develop water confidence. He feels that I should take them on my own because he hates it, and feels like people are looking at him because very skinny and has some vitiligo around his torso. I genuinely don't know which of us is being unreasonable here.

I do sympathise with your DH, but I think he needs to work really hard to get over it. My mum would never swim with us when we were little because of body confidence issues, and even though our dad loved swimming and took us regularly we always begged her to come too, and I always used to feel slightly rejected when spending time with us wasn't enough of a draw to brave a swimsuit. As I got older it definitely contributed to my own body image hangups as well. So now although I HATE wearing a swimsuit in public I make sure to take my two often and never let them see I feel uncomfortable.

On another note though you can definitely take them yourself - I took my two on my own this morning - they're 2 and just 5, and it was absolutely fine. Stuck the toddler in armbands and relied on the older one to use his woggle, and only went in the kids' pool. Then when we get out I wrap them up in towels and stick them on the bench with a snack while I quickly get dry and dressed, then sort them out.

To go against the grain a bit, I don’t (personally) think there’s any point enrolling them in formal swimming lessons just yet, as others have suggested. My partner’s youngest daughter has just turned 5 and has been having weekly swimming lessons since she was about 18 months old, yet can’t swim unaided and is still a bit shaky even with an aid. She’s not the best at listening to instructions (to paraphrase her swimming teacher!), but the majority of the children in her little class can’t swim yet either so it seems to be a bit of a waste of money until they’re a bit older?

I would encourage your husband to come with you and help without getting in the water. It might improve his confidence to see the vast variety of different body types!

For posters who are suggesting that he wear a rash vest, our swimming pool does not allow these, so it would be worth checking with the pool staff first.

I've only just realised, reading this, that my mum never went swimming, ever.
And it doesn't make one bit of difference; she was a lovely mum, and I don't feel we missed out at all.

He is being unreasonable. There comes a point in our lives that we need to let our insecurities go for the benefit of our children (and ourselves). I was overweight when my children were young and would rather have poked my own eyes out than be in public in a bathingsuit. I forced myself to get over it. I didn't want to miss out on fun with my kids. They're only little once. And no one else cares what you look like. It's in uour head. If anyone does care? They got some mental problems of their own.

I do think that swimming and water confidence are a welfare issue, especially combined with the safety of 1:1 supervision for under 5s are.a welfare issue. People squealing about this seem a bit defensive. I don't think that you should have children if you're not willing or able to put them first. That might not be a popular opinion but it's a valid one.

Can he buy a swimmers tshirt, lots of men wore them when we visited the water park last week.
I think Yanbu, he probably doesn't want to be unreasonable either, if he is truly unhappy.

My DP is self conscious, he is very hairy, has a big belly, stretch marks from previous weighloss, and regain, he really didn't want to go, the kids really wanted to go, I insisted he was going afterwards he was glad he did, the DC loved it, he didn't stand out, there was all shapes and sizes enjoying the water.

Some of the uabu comments are going a bit far - par for the course?! I feel obliged to defend myself a little.

Dd who is 4 has water confidence issues. She has weekly lessons. Her instructor suggested she needs to go 'play' in the pool and just have fun. So we're doing that. It's made me think though that ds needs to get in the pool more, start him younger, to avoid the same issue with him. I just thought we could all go together. Because she's not confident, Dd does hang off my neck a fair bit, which is not ideal when I have ds too. But also as I have a couple of prolapsed disks in my back with a pinched nerve.

However, I've taken the advice I was unreasonable on board and have just taken her, we had a brilliant time and she loved it. When she starts school in Sept I'll be able to take ds more regularly on my own.

In the meantime I do think dh needs to try to help himself with his body confidence, because it must be a miserable thing to miss out. And because I want my children to grow up confident, and we are their role models.

I’m glad you have mellowed about this.
I totally understand your frustration, but your DH must be very anxious and unhappy about his body to let it stand in his way. I think it would be unkind to force it.
Also people can be twats, my youngest is “visibly” disabled, a minority of people do stare, a tiny minority stare with a look of disgust on their faces
Just imaging if you bullied him into doing it and some knobhead stared or even commented along the lines of he shouldn’t be in the water with a nasty rash like that.
I hope he gets some help overcoming his anxiety over his body, but I think that needs to happen before he is put in a position where he feels and actually is vulnerable.

I went swimming with my brother and never had both parents with me. Either take one at a time or get help from someone else if you are sure you can’t manage both at once.

Well done for going OP, I understand completely my DH hates swimming. Also has skin issues and not a strong swimmer he will go in but hates it. Feel really sorry for him, I am big and self conscious but I enjoy the water.
Think you have the right plan I also swim a lot with my mum and both DS'S they see it as our thing. My DH does football time though 😬

YANBU

@Indecisivelurcher
I am glad you went, it is probably the best way until they gain confidence.
I hope DH deals with his issues, encourage him to play to his strengths, there is lots of things he can confidently do with the DC, lots of parents have separate interests.
I hate the cinema, I find sitting for hours annoying, it DPs job to do cinema visits.

My wife HATES swimming never took the kids . I Love swimming used to take them on my own and it was our thing . Even at 15 me and youngest used to go .

I hate swimming like your DH. For different reasons. I have raynauds and pools in the uk make me so cold i feel unwell. I started DD2 at swimming lessons at 2.5 so she could get regular swims without me having to go in. Before that we lived abroad in a holiday resort so we were all in the pool almost daily anyway, where I did take them on my own all the time. Either take one at a time if you find it hard and/or sign up for lessons.

Sorry but YABVU and minimising the emotional impact of him having a skin problem and body issues.

I have psoriasis. I know people aren't looking at me, I know that once I'm in the water it doesn't matter. But going swimming in a public place is hugely traumatic for me, and takes a great deal of personal,strength to actually do it. The minute I have a costume on I know that everyone is looking, and I know that everything is thinking "ugh". It's taken me many, many years to even wear short sleeves, let alone be undressed in front of people.

Take a friend with you if you must, or take your children as individuals. Reassure your husband that you think he's fine by all means, tell him that you'd like him to go and the children would enjoy it, but you can not force him to do so. Hopefully one day he will be able to do so without so much stress.

YANBU-Your DH chose to become a parent which means that his issues take a backseat when the DC's welfare is at stake.

Jesus wept. Really? Don't be ridiculous

Our local authority pools ban all clothing other than trunks/swim shorts of a maximum leg length, costumes, bikinis or burkinis. No exceptions, ever - putting a t-shirt or rash vest on would result in being told to leave.

DP won't go swimming as a result - probably stems from being booted out of a pool as a kid for having Psoriasis; being informed that your 'skin disease' means you're a disease risk for everybody else tends to have that effect on some people.

He's not comfortable exposing his body in public. He has the right to that body autonomy that we all have. As does the OP's DH.

Sorry OP I posted before I saw your update.

In the meantime I do think dh needs to try to help himself with his body confidence, because it must be a miserable thing to miss out. And because I want my children to grow up confident, and we are their role models.

My children (now 17&20) have grown up happy, confident, independent adults. They wouldn't necessarily have known how I felt about my skin as they were growing up, just that swimming was 'daddy activities'. They are confident swimmers (despite me not going) have held a fair few snakes around their necks (despite always knowing I'm terrified even to look at a picture of one), love animals (despite knowing that I avoid most of them like the plague)

It's perfectly easy to bring your children up to be confident in areas that you might not be. Mine know that none of the things I hate aren't bad, just that I have irrational fears about them. Do not get sucked into the myth that all our fears are passed onto our children.

Vitiligo is white patches on your skin, it's not a rash and not infectious. I have it myself but it doesn't bother me.
A. Your DH needs to get help if he is that bothered it is stopping him doing normal activities like swimming.
B. In the meantime, look for another pool with a baby pool/shallow end so you can take both DC, or just go to splash park.

Nokidshere-It's a shame you feel the need to try to justify yourself. Given the age of your children, it's all a bit late now.

Posted too soon. The fact that you responded as strongly and aggressively as you did suggests that you have doubts about what you did.

I think that letting your own issues stop you from ensuring your children get everything they need and deserve is something that people should try very hard to avoid. Only you know how hard you did or didn't try.

@Armadillostoes justify myself? I have no need to justify myself to you or anyone else. Children are resilient and far more accepting than adults are. I've always been honest with my children, all people are different, all people have different fears and all are valid to the person who has them. No-one, even a child, has the right to force someone into a situation they don't want to be in. Guilt tripping them is even worse.

The OPs children are learning to swim with a parent, as did my own. They are not being deprived of anything. They can do different things with the other parent at other times. To imply that my children didn't come first simply because the majority of the time their dad took them swimming is ridiculous.

I can only surmise from your comment that you have no issues either with your body or your fears or that you are willing (and able) to overlook your own needs to comply with other peoples. Good for you.

Posted too soon. The fact that you responded as strongly and aggressively as you did suggests that you have doubts about what you did.

Let me reassure you that I have no doubts about my parenting at all. In any way, shape or form. As far as I am concerned I am the best parent I know and my children are amazing 😉.

Chiari, - I know vitiligo isn’t an infectious rash. A classmate of mine had it, that doesn’t mean idiots know or care.

I think the suggestion of him changing the children is the most practical. I wouldn’t take two in that age by myself. My 3 year old is very water confident which makes her more dangerous.