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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with us, when he hates his body

127 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 10:57

Aibu to ask DH to come swimming with me and the kids, age 2 and 4, when he hates his body? Just had a blazing row about this. I feel he should essentially suck it up, because it's difficult for me to take 2 non-swimmers on my own. Not impossible, because Dd can just about touch the floor, but difficult. And because I feel strongly that the kids should go swimming regularly to develop water confidence. He feels that I should take them on my own because he hates it, and feels like people are looking at him because very skinny and has some vitiligo around his torso. I genuinely don't know which of us is being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
Mrscog · 27/07/2019 12:03

I was going to suggest @Mumoftwoyoungkids suggestion. Honest to god family swimming with a 2 and 4 year old is overrated!!!

Neither of you are being totally unreasonable and a compromise will iron it all out nicely.

HavelockVetinari · 27/07/2019 12:05

YABVU, how awful. Your poor DH! Body issues can be really debilitating and swimming can be excruciating.

He should seek help for his issues and us BU if he won't, but you shouldn't force him to expose his body.

Doje · 27/07/2019 12:11

OP, I'm not really sure where I stand in your DH. If be inclined to let him be though I think.

I swam every week with two kids until my eldest went to school and there's 18 months between them, so similar ages. In the old school blow up armbands they are pretty un-drownable. Honestly!

LadyMinerva · 27/07/2019 12:13

I feel bad for your DH. Body image issues are a serious thing and can be quite debilitating. Men suffer from them just as women do yet men are told to 'man up and get on with it'.

OP, I'm sure you wouldn't like it if he carried on if you wouldn't do something he wanted you to do. But I also believe children should know how to swim. I suggest you tell your DH you love him and that you are happy to work out a compromise so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable and your DC learn how to swim.

CharityConundrum · 27/07/2019 12:14

I hate my body, but I love my kids more than I hate my body (weight, eczema, scarring, etc), so I suck it up and take them swimming. It helps that I do enjoy swimming though; if I didn't, I might be inclined to stick with my position.

If I hated my body so much that I would rather my kids miss out than do something with them that they enjoyed, I would have to look at making some changes to myself to ensure that my issues weren't impacting on them. I accept that there are limits to this, but I imagine it would be easier if you could see some effort on his part, although it can be a delicate process.

Would your husband be able to cope with the vitiligo if he didn't feel skinny do you think, so maybe working out a bit either at home or at the gym? Or is there anything else he could do to increase his confidence? I think you need to work with him rather than against him to tackle this one.

alreadytaken · 27/07/2019 12:15

Like any mother I've done many things I didnt really want to do for my child. My husband has flatly refused to do something that would make him ill, this would make your husband (mentally) ill.

I think he's being unreasonable to refuse to wear a rash vest and go with you though.

TheKitchenWitch · 27/07/2019 12:18

YABU It actually doesn’t really matter why he doesn’t want to go imo. It’s not like going to the playground; swimming (especially with little ones) is a very involved activity.
Find something that you all enjoy to do as a family.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/07/2019 12:19

All those posters saying they never notice others when they go swimming, well you as an adult probably wouldn't (or if you do you'll have the manners to keep your thoughts to yourself), but most kids will, and some won't be shy about staring or commenting.

OP YABU to expect your DH to gt in the water with you but you would not BU to expect him to come with you to spectate.

HeadintheiClouds · 27/07/2019 12:20

The dc’s welfare is at stake. What over emotive nonsense.
Why can’t you just take them one at a time, op, and let your dh do whatever he chooses with the other one?

Cheeserton · 27/07/2019 12:21

YABU. It's very unkind to try and force him into going if he's that anxious about showing his body. As someone else pointed out, just imagine the criticism if the roles were reversed and a husband was trying to make his wife go if she had such body issues and was telling her to just get over it. Not OK.

IHateUncleJamie · 27/07/2019 12:24

Personally I would encourage him to have counselling because his anxiety doesn’t just affect him, it affects you and your dcs. I can understand him not wanting to swim topless but to refuse to wear a rash vest/rash t shirt because “he doesn’t like it” is a bit lazy if he just expects you to do all the swimming trips.

I’m with the pps suggesting he goes as a poolside spectator to start with; he can help with the drying/changing and see for himself that there are people of all shapes, sizes, skin problems, scars etc in the pool. Don’t force him to swim for now but I would insist on him coming - they’re his children too.

Cheeserton · 27/07/2019 12:26

to refuse to wear a rash vest/rash t shirt because “he doesn’t like it” is a bit lazy
How can you know that? He sounds pretty phobic of showing his body, full stop. That sort of thing isn't easy to rationalise and can be deeply stressful.

Ponoka7 · 27/07/2019 12:27

Whenever I've been swimming, at a family swim, most men are wearing t shirts.

I've also seen rash vests on all sizes.

This needs handling more sympathetically, but if his body issues are bothering him that nuch, he needs to do something about them.

I say that as someone who's losing weight because of a want to do more with my Grandchildren.

Angrybird123 · 27/07/2019 12:30

There are many many things that my kids miss out on that some other parents might do with them; I'm not a keen cyclist so we don't go on lovely family bike rides, neither me nor their NRP dad is into football so my son has some disadvantages over his friends whose dad's have taken them to games and know all about who's who etc, I can't teach them to play chess or code on the pc. I can and do do many other things. We play to our strengths. So long as the dad here is doing other stuff with them his non involvement in this one activity is not the end of the world and there are many ways around it as have been suggested

diddl · 27/07/2019 12:31

I don't like my body, but I love swimming too much to be put off.

Shame that your husband's issue is now affecting you & the kids.

EggysMom · 27/07/2019 12:35

The thing is, if your DH goes and sits on the side or in the viewing area with one of the children, he will naturally start looking at other people's bodies - which feeds into his feeling that everybody would be looking at him. No they wouldn't. When I take our son swimming, I'm looking at our son, at the water, at the edges, and peripherally at people to ensure that I don't get in their way / they don't get in our way. I'm not looking at their height, weight, shape, colouring; they are just 'other people' to me.

I've never even thought that people might be looking at my vitiligo. It's quite noticeable on my arms and legs once I have a tan (due to contrast). It's also on my chest but obviously that's hidden by a swimsuit. They are more likely to be looking at my spectacles, as I am so short-sighted that I have to wear them when swimming (or dig out my prescription goggles but I forget those!) OP, your DH can simply wear a rash vest or even bodysuit swimwear. Nobody will notice. Nobody will care.

Beldon · 27/07/2019 12:41

If he doesn’t feel comfortable being in pool then I think you are being very unfair making him. I know plenty of mums who are same and it’s normally husband who takes the kids, why is everyone reacting differently because it’s a man. The crazy comments about getting over himself (wonder why there is such a high suicide rate in men when they are told crap like this when women would not), people presuming it’s just a bit self conscious (how do you know it’s not severe anxiety) and the comment about when he decided to become a parent he has to put his feelings aside - being prepared to go to pubic swimming pool isn’t normally even on peoples minds! Surely there are other options, take them one by one, husband possibly available for change over and getting the other child ready, friend helping out, swim lesson. I am terrified of swimming so the worst person to take my kids in as would pass that on to them so they went occasionally with other family until old enough to start lessons, they both brilliant swimmers now and could swim many laps before leaving primary school

Angrybird123 · 27/07/2019 12:41

But He thinks they will and the op has repeatedly said he won't wear a vest or t shirt. Why is he not allowed to have his personal issues the same as the rest of us? It's not actually stopping the op or the kids going and there are many other options. Yes we all do stuff for our kids benefit we might rather not but there is a line somewhere that we are all entitled to draw.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 27/07/2019 12:42

I still partly think he doesn't want to come because it's difficult, the kids are a menace to get changed after! So the suggestion of him coming to help with drying and me taking the kids in individually is a good one. We will also look into a rash shirt he actually likes.

The people who think I'm being an absolute cow, I concede possibly about this but obv there's a bigger picture.

Happy to be advised I am 70/30 being unreasonable and need to reconsider my reaction.

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 27/07/2019 12:43

YABU

I fucking hate swimming and would never take the DC

If you can't manage it on your own take one at a time or find someone else to go with you.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/07/2019 12:44

I agree, he should suck it up. I assume you don't delight it appearing in a swimming costume in public but do it for the sake of your dc?

Pineapplefish · 27/07/2019 12:44

In my opinion you shouldn't force your DH to go, but he also shouldn't expect you to take two non swimmers on your own.

So the solution is for you to take one child at a time and take turns fairly between the two children.

Maybe when DH is at home with a disappointed DD he'll decide that he can manage to come with you after all, maybe not. That's up to him.

RubbingHimSourly · 27/07/2019 12:45

Sitting and spectating may give him the confidence to eventually go in.

I think you're being very unfair tbh....... My dp does swimming duties in this house. I never used to care as it's a short dash to the pool but my confidence has taken a bit of a knock over the years and I just don't feel able to. Men are also a lot more exposed than women, I'd hate to have my entire top half on show. And id feel self conscious in something different.

So yabu.

But YANBU to expect him to go to the pool with you without going in. Just take the pressure off him and see what happens.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/07/2019 12:50

My DS has severe acne scaring on his body (and face) he hates going to the pool now and wont go to the pool even when we are on holiday as he just feels too self conscious (even though we tell him he looks great/beautiful/handsome) - he now feels weird in a rash vest too though he did wear one when he was younger. He will swim in the sea though OP as he is generally not so close to other people. So, maybe there is hope he'd be okay in that situation. It's also not so uncommon to see people with rash vests on in the sea.

It's a tough one as it will impact on your activities for a while, but I think you are going to have to suck it up while still postively encouraging him. Ask him what he is prepared to do, e.g. come help you from poolside or maybe just going to a larger pool further away from where you live so he doesn't feel as likely to come across people he may know or wearing a rash vest or just looking after one DC while you go. Compromise really isn't it?

justasking111 · 27/07/2019 12:54

Can he wear a rash vest to cover his top. Phone the pool and ask.

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