DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

[dogletsrock]

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

Hope you are ok *and can gain support from family or friends

Hope you are ok * Op

Thank you midsumma. I was just telling the story really so that OP can talk her son through what he's been through. He might be feeling guilty for "making a fuss about nothing" and "getting his dad into trouble". Hope OP is ok too..

I can't really understand your logic op. You've continually stayed with this man, throughout your child's life. Your son will never be without his father. Not living together is not the same as not having a father or being without him. His father can be there whenever he is sober. And not there when he is on it.

What your son went through must have been terrifying. He said he was going to the toilet and he never came back. He abandoned his own child in a strange place to go drinking. The police had to go check on him. He lay there scared.

Neither of you can put this child in this position ever again. He cannot be around his father when he starts drinking. His father needs to live elsewhere when he is. He can only be there sober. And you need to stop enabling him and using your son as a excuse why you let it continue.

He has not made great strides forward. He is back to square one. He abandoned his own child in a camp site at a festival. He lied and said he was going to thr loo and never came back, because he decided it was more important to drink than to look after his son.

You both need to work together to make sure you protect him. He cannot be left alone in charge of him, and he cannot be around your son when he's drinking. Your son should not have to see it. Never mind be subjected to its impacts"

Another child of an alcoholic here. I know how hard this is for all of you

All I’ll say is have a read about codependency. Deep in his subconscious your DH knew he could indulge in alcohol at the festival because he knew you would drop everything and arrive to take care of DS just like you always do (and should do). He knew he didn’t need to take care of his DS’s well-being because you would do it. And he knew you wouldn’t leave him there to figure out how to get home, he knew he would have you there to chauffeur him home from his bender. The dance of the addict and the codependent, nothing ever changes. And the young lad watching and observing the patterns, learning them for himself.

Wishing you and your DS the best, OP. Ignore the posters demanding instant, punitive action from you - it will take time to sort out the best way forward in terms of finances, housing etc (eg does he leave or do you and DS?) Be cautious of 12-step programmes as the 'only' solution, though: they are actually the least effective recovery method as they are based on superstition not science. Current studies would seem to suggest that 1-1 therapy with a properly qualified practitioner is the best option, though it may not be affordable to everyone.

I hope the op corrects me, but I think she has no intention of leaving him, her son will just need to Keep on with the counsellor and be at risk of witnessing it.

Cmon op, tell me I'm wrong,

Give her a break. It’s hard to do, to get sorted. It’s hard to admit the death of your dreams of a happy family where your husband gets sober and all is well. OP will sort it but it may take her longer than the life of this thread.

@boredboredbored thanks but I don't need to imagine. I've lived it with my alcoholic ex-spouse, and it wasn't an easy path. In fact, it wasn't at all straightforward to get him out of the house even when I'd made the decision. It was a long, ongoing nightmare. Stop pushing the poor woman for instant action. This is her hell, not yours and she will do the right thing for her child without pressure.

Good gravy Op doesnt have to come back and answer everyones questions staight away.
She is in a difficult place right now as Fleetheart says.
She has got a lot to think about and sort out if she is to end this relationship or not.
There isnt a timescale where she has to update randoms on the internet with her every move. It must be very hard to face up to what her dp has done and deal with it and consider her son.
You dont just pack your bags and leave the house and it all magically sorts itself out. Give her a break.

Well, the thread's nearly full now, so if people keep asking OP to update them, there won't be any room left for her to reply.

Well the OP last posted on Sunday morning and said I do know what I need to do but it won’t be today as I need to plan the practical stuff as I won’t be able to rely on DH to help with the finances. I am just so sad. That sounds to me as if she is trying to make a very difficult decision. But she doesn't owe anyone on this thread an explanation or update.

I haven’t been back to update as there hasn’t been very much to update you all on. I am working through my options and trying to plan so my DS and I will be ok. It isn’t going to be an overnight fix. I am devastated by this

@dogletsrock
You don't have to justify anything. We're all just randoms on the internet. :)
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope there are people in RL who can support you. X

Take each day at a time OP

@dogletsrock keep the faith, sorry it’s so hard. But you will do the right thing.

Much sympathy to you in a rotten situation, OP. As others have said, here's hoping that you have people IRL you can talk to and lean on.

All the best OP

Has he continued to drink or is he sober again?