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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

945 replies

dogletsrock · 27/07/2019 00:04

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 28/07/2019 07:58

Hope you got some sleep OP.

And I'm sure you know this, but none of us here have the right to tell you what to do.

(I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic father). Thanks

MinecraftMother · 28/07/2019 08:01

OP, I hope you are sleeping.

You are getting a lot of sage advice to leave him and that's incredibly huge for you to take on.

My friend is a HCP. She lived away from where she grew up with her husband and their children. Husband is an alcoholic. Hard core. There was a breakdown, drinking in the office for two weeks, locking himself in. He was, I believe, sectioned.

When social services arrived at her office she was absolutely mortified. She sold
Her share in her practice and took the children 'back home'. Closer to friends and family.

He was left to get on with it himself. And he did. That man loves nothing more in this world than those children.

He hasn't touched a drop since. 2 years now.

Now that he realised the stakes, he really pulled it together.

He moved closer to her, renting his own house. And now they have moved back in together and it's working out.

He is ever vigilant but has done this alone, no counselling or AA. He's very old school upper class English!

My point is that leaving him doesn't have to be the end. It can be the beginning.

Really big hugs to you and the best of luck to you all x x

justilou1 · 28/07/2019 08:09

I don’t have any advice at all. That’s. Up to you. Just wanted to say that I’m very proud of DS for having the strength to call you and to speak to the police officers on the phone. I’m even more pleased you’re all safely home. I hope you get some rest and some peace of mind.

oatmilk4breakfast · 28/07/2019 08:27

Hi OP, if you come back to this thread I hope you can ignore some of the comments. I’m sure none of us who actually care / have any empathy actually expect you to come back and update - only if you want more support. And we know that you didn’t report anyone for trolling. Someone else reported a troll-hunter, it’s right there on the first pages. You didn’t have time! I can totally understand posting here from your phone in anxiety, for support, anonymously - that’s what these boards are for I thought.

If you do come back hope you find some comfort and help in these pages of people offering their personal experiences. There are some very harsh comments and some very hard hitting ones. But no-one knows your situation better than you. You have support from your group and you have the courage and love for your son that drove you to take taxis and trains miles away in the early hours to find him. You’ll know what to do if you listen to yourself. Or find someone in real life who can just listen without interrupting you so you can peel back the layers to what you really think and feel you need to do.

Good luck!

oatmilk4breakfast · 28/07/2019 08:30

Great comment by MinecraftMother. You sound very kind. And so valuable to hear about someone actually taking the prompt to get sober alone. That’s a hopeful story!

ilovesooty · 28/07/2019 09:07

I hope you manage to find a way forward that feels right for you and those you love.

Glad your son is home with you.

Original poster
dogletsrock · 28/07/2019 09:46

Thank you for all your messages. When I got home yesterday I just wanted to eat and sleep. I do know what I need to do but it won’t be today as I need to plan the practical stuff as I won’t be able to rely on DH to help with the finances. I am just so sad.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 28/07/2019 09:52

Oh op. I totally feel for you. He's proven beyond any shadow of any doubt he will abandon his own child. How sad he couldn't even hold it together for his own son. That's it, then. Well done you for being such a great mum, and so strong.

AnotherEmma · 28/07/2019 09:55
Flowers
Fleetheart · 28/07/2019 10:01

@dogletsrock, so glad you are all home. It is sad, it is very sad. I still feel sad that it didn’t work out for me and my ex; the father of my children. But am so happy that they didn’t grow up further thinking it was ok or normal to be absolutely drunken all day for days. Or normal that their mum couldn’t ever go out as she couldn’t leave them with their dad. The worse thing for kids (and teenagers in particular), is they somehow feel they have the power to make it better, and they feel a sense of inadequacy that they can’t. Do you think your DS would benefit from alateen? Good luck to you all. It’s not easy but it is your DH’s fight above all, he is the one who can change things. Don’t weaken when he pleads; it is time for him to get sober elsewhere now, you have looked after him enough. It’s tome for you to concentrate on yourself and your DS.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 28/07/2019 10:15

You're a strong woman and a great mum as evidenced by this thread so you'll get through this. All the best yo you and your son Thanks

PartOstrich · 28/07/2019 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kittekats · 28/07/2019 10:17

dogletsrock, I have been watching this thread throughout and am so glad all was ok in the end. I don’t think you have said how your DH has reacted to it, has he minimised or has he understood the potential gravity of what happened?

I really feel for you, stay strong.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/07/2019 10:33

Flowers so sorry. Sometimes we have to make sad decisions, but it turns out to be better in the long run. Stay strong.

notsohippychick · 28/07/2019 10:40

Hey there. Just wanted to say keep strong lovely. I am a recovering alcoholic and I have two children with ASD. I stopped 18 months ago because I didn’t want my children to have a boozed up and mentally ill mum. They have enough to deal with and I needed to be there for them.

I would say though if I was looking after the children myself I’d never drink. Ever. This was a step too far from your DH. The trust has gone. YEs he struggles but he can’t dip in and out of drinking. He has to be zero. Having one now and again isn’t an option for an alcoholic.

Much love xx

1Wildheartsease · 28/07/2019 10:46

So sorry you have been left with the fall- out and the sadness. You are right to rest and take stock before acting. I can only wish you continued strength.

Does your DH realise the enormity of planning such a risky trip and abandoning your son in such a situation or has he found a way to minimise his actions?

How could he take that first drink before ensuring the safety and security of his child?

Planning the trip seems to have been planning to end his recent sobriety.

Whilst you see him not putting you and your child first and really protecting you both from his addiction, (rather than just making progress that is all about him) ...

he isn't a yet a father or husband.
He is still an alcoholic first.

MummyDummyNow · 28/07/2019 10:49

You're a strong lady and a wonderful Mother, you're son is very lucky to have you. Thanks

bellabasset · 28/07/2019 13:04

Glad your ds is ok and you're home safely. No advice as I think you will know what's best for you longer term. Good luck.

ssd · 28/07/2019 13:08

Glad you're making good choices op. Flowers

SunniDay · 28/07/2019 13:41

Sending hugs OP - you and your son do not deserve this.

Following on from Minecraft mother's post is there a middle ground where you could tell your husband to move out but he can let you know when he is 1 year sober and you can both see if there is anything left between you?

He has the choice then to sink or swim (even if he flounders for a while) and doesn't have the addicts excuse of saying he has already lost everything so has nothing to remain sober for.

(if that is a terrible idea I'm sure others will be quick to point out why!)

thinkingcapon · 28/07/2019 13:41

You sound like an incredible person. I wish more people were as level headed
All of us are here if you need us x

Topttumps · 28/07/2019 13:48

Glad you are all home.
Good luck with whatever you decide op.

saraclara · 28/07/2019 13:49

If you do split up, be careful to ensure that your son doesn't think it's his fault.
"If I hadn't told mum, if I'd just kept quiet until dad got back, this wouldn't have happened" might just cross his mind.

You've probably already thought of that though!

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2019 14:41

Good luck with however life takes you from here Thanks

I also hope that your husband realises quite what he's done here.

Lind57 · 28/07/2019 15:03

While most of the comments on here have been really supportive, some I feel are over-critical of the Op. When you love someone dearly and have done for years it is really difficult to make the decision to leave and she doesn't need pressure and criticism. It sounds to me she knows what she needs to do and will do it, in a manageable timeframe. Those of you looking for remorse etc from the partner at this early stage have clearly never had dealings with an alcoholic. While he's drinking/hungover, there's far more likely to be blame and self-pity.