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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

945 replies

dogletsrock · 27/07/2019 00:04

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
ChristOnAScooter · 27/07/2019 22:34

I hope SS come down on your husband like a ton of bricks. Shocking just shocking.

UniversalAunt · 27/07/2019 22:38

With 20/20 hindsight, your DH& DS at a open air music festival camping overnight(s) & considerable drive from home was over optimistic for both of them.

Even if your DH had never had an issue with alcohol or touched a drop, the overall environment - noise, open air, loads of unknown people, & change of routine & surroundings may well have proved challenging for your DS. But had your DH been present, then any distress of DS’s would most likely have been minimised, but they might have come early.

The same disruptive factors would also have an effect your DH & prolly undermine his sobriety. It has to be said that a music festival is not known for temperance & so I assume that your DH has actually been hanging out of the wagon for a wee while. Were he serious & truly committed to sobriety he, & his Sponsor/peer group would have called this off before the big adventure started.

I support the suggestion of you going to Al-Anon. I think it will be a more bracing & direct support group for you, & also for your DS.

I accept that you thought he was doing very well, but alcoholics lie. They lie to themselves & everyone around them, & they become more adept & daring in their deceits as the condition takes a greater hold. How he could abandon your son at the festival is unforgivable, but his justification that drinking would be not be a problem & your son would be OK will be built upon lies he is telling himself.

YourVagesty · 27/07/2019 22:39

Hope you are okay OP. I'm exhausted for you just reading this thread - hope you are getting some well-earned rest.

Branleuse · 27/07/2019 22:41

leaving someone doesnt mean he would lose his dad. It would mean his dad lived elsewhere, possibly forever, or possibly till hes proved that he can stay clean and sober. It doesnt mean your son would never see him.
Please dont use the fact that your son loves him as a reason to have this neglectful and selfish man in your house and with responsibility for your child.
Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.

ssd · 27/07/2019 22:43

I don't know op. I'm sure your son loves his dad but really, do you think hell be happy to go away with him again, or would you be happy to let him go?
This us your future, second guessing your husband for ever.

Sorry, but I don't understand why you're making excuses for him already. I'd expect you to still be furious. Maybe you are more ground down by him than you realise.

MsJaneAusten · 27/07/2019 22:45

Even if your DH had never had an issue with alcohol or touched a drop, the overall environment - noise, open air, loads of unknown people, & change of routine & surroundings may well have proved challenging for your DS. But had your DH been present, then any distress of DS’s would most likely have been minimised, but they might have come early.

This feels like you’re blaming the OP and stereotyping autistics. I’m guessing the OP discussed this with DH and DS beforehand. My son is autistic. He loves music festivals. We’ve been going since he was tiny and it’s an environment he feels safe in. He’d obviously feel less safe if the adult with him suddenly disappeared. The issue is with DH and his relapse, not with the OP or her son.

Ellie56 · 27/07/2019 22:46

OP listen to those posters who grew up with alcoholic parents and their enablers. Make the right decision for your boy.

MyBlueMoonbeam · 27/07/2019 22:47

Sending best wishes to you & your son OP - my son has HFA & I can imagine how scary last night was for both of you - I can also understand how hard it is for your husband

I have no advice just a sincere hope that things is will work out for you all Flowers

BanginChoons · 27/07/2019 22:48

Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.

This. When you stay, you stay for the abuser. When you leave, you leave for the child.

AddNameHere · 27/07/2019 23:02

How are you doing dog? Hope all well x

kateandme · 27/07/2019 23:06

such a hard thread.
i feel for you as a family.
i am raging thinking of how i would feel if someone did this to my child.
but then keep "but hes ill" and addiction is fukcing horrible for all involved.for the sufferer it takes them to hell.and at points they have no choice in their behaviour.but then to be putting others at risk is always just NO NO NO!
but then i think of this bloke whos ill.and i see how a wife and son an fmaily must yearn to support and get him better.and im sure the husband wants that too.more than anything.but addiction just cant be helped until it can be.so how far do you go.how long do you wait.
the support of loved ones is essential to recovery.so i dont think we can blame the op for wanting to do this.it has worked for many.but again the sufferer has to take the brunt.be the start of that so other can then support them,
its such a shitty shitty evil illness.there is om easy answer.
lots of families go through the shit,but when do you draw the line.horrible decisions.

Missingstreetlife · 27/07/2019 23:07

Op please go to alanon. They have a helpline, someone will talk to you. There will be a group meeting nearby. Good luck

kateandme · 27/07/2019 23:08

Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.
such a hard hitting comment.

Missingstreetlife · 27/07/2019 23:11

Alateen can support your son.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2019 23:17

If your husband had 'just' had a relapse at home one day then I could understand you thinking that staying with him was a good thing to do but he went off and left his vulnerable son at a festival miles away from home!!!!!!
I'm sorry but I couldn't forgive that in a million years. Alcoholic or not.
If he was swayed that quickly and easily back to the drink then he should never have taken your DS in the first place.

Lind57 · 27/07/2019 23:21

kateandme, you can yearn all you want for an alcoholic to recover, but believe me there is nothing you can do to help them and all the 'support' in the world won't work unless they commit to recovery. Even then, it's one day at a time and there is always the chance of relapse. A lot of people don't get that and blame spouses for leaving and not 'supporting' the addict. Alanon helps families understand that it isn't up to them. There is literally nothing they can do which will make a difference. OP, you need to hear this. Your DH is not doing well. He is still drinking, he's blaming you and he is not in control of his drinking. It's up to you what you do next, but in my experience you are setting yourself and your son up for more misery if you stay. You have my utmost sympathy. It is so hard.

positivelypuce · 27/07/2019 23:22

Hi OP

Thank God your son is home safe and bless you for the trauma you're going through.

You need to put your children first, not an alcoholic who leaves a child alone hundreds of miles from home - a child who isn't on the spectrum would find that terrifying never mind someone who isn't.

Please ignore the 'enablers' on this thread - Yes, your partner has an illness, but he chose to take that first drink knowing he was the sole carer of your son.

I absolutely understand how hard it is, but you have to protect your children and remove them from this toxic environment.

As a PP has said, even abused, neglected children love their parents - that doesn't mean the abuse should continue.

chubbysquid · 27/07/2019 23:32

I can't stop thinking of your poor boy alone at night in a strange hectic place, scared and wondering where his support and safety had gone.
My son has autism and this would have been horrific for him.
Your son will never forget that he was abandoned for the bottle last night- but he will also never forget you did all you could to make him feel safe whilst you travelled to collect him.

Your husband has crossed a line that he can never go back on.

He chose drink over his child.

You can flower it up with "but he's a great dad when sober" but putting glitter on a shit doesn't make it any less of a shit.

Adversecamber22 · 27/07/2019 23:35

My stepfather was an alcoholic, i did not have a good relationship with my Mother as she always put his needs and wants first. Fortunately for me his alcoholism killed him aged 49. I am not teetotal but have always been a very light drinker and am incredibly wary of alcohol. My younger half sister, his DD is an alcoholic as well, that's the legacy left by them.

flossie86 · 27/07/2019 23:44

@kateandme - you put it perfectly

YouTheCat · 27/07/2019 23:45

I'll not even say ltb (and I am quite liberal with my 'ltb's'). But he needs to show remorse and take responsibility this time. That will tell you where you stand.

MarshmallowHeat · 27/07/2019 23:58

Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.
I also felt a really sad recognition with this comment.

AwdBovril · 28/07/2019 00:00

An alcoholic has a disability.

I don't buy that. Firstly, it simultaneously disempowers & enables an alcoholic - by saying this, you're basically saying they've no control over it, no way of overcoming it. It is possible, & many do.

Secondly, it's really insulting to those of us who are in fact disabled, and not due to ingesting addictive substances.

I hope the OP, & all her family, have a restful night. Flowers

Giraffey1 · 28/07/2019 00:07

I feel very moved by the experiences that have been shared on his thread, and utterly shocked at the impact that living with an alcoholic parent. There are surely messages aplenty for the OP in these sad stories.

But most of all, I can’t get out of my mind the OP’s comments about the horrendous things her boy has already seen. And now this! OP, you can’t cure your H, you can’t fix him, it’s not your fault. But you can protect your son. Don’t let him be the one in 5/10/20 years time with sad tales of what it was like growing up with an alcoholic father.

AnotherEmma · 28/07/2019 00:08

Bit late for that, isn't it?! He already has some sad tales Sad

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