DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

[dogletsrock]

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

A parent's primary duty is to the child. If one cannot, or will not, perform that duty, the other surely must. Do not stick with this mess and further fuck up your child's life out of some misguided sense of marital honour. He has failed in his part of protection. Are you going to wait until the final curtain?

Although, to give balance and disprove my point, I have a friend who was an alcoholic and almost lost everything. Her partner gave her several chances and so far, touch wood, she is doing amazing. But the harm she did do whist drinking has had a lasting effect on her kids, not least physical and emotional. I see alcoholism as similar to drug taking when you are rasing kids. Its just a bloody no. But when you are in it, how to get out of it without harming everyone? I feel for you.

I do view alcoholism as an illness op. Same as I would from people suffering with depression or an eating disorder etc. Just wanted to say as much as I think that I also think your own mental health and yours and your son’s safety should be priority in this and I think maybe counselling for you personally would help. Good luck to you all x

Has he shown any understanding of and remorse for the fear he caused his son and the worry and hard work he put you through ?

@AnotherEmma Yes, you are right, but II was meaning that if the son has to stay in the family unit as is until he is old enough and able to stand on his own two feet, he will likely have more horrible experiences, and will be another person in adulthood saying he wished his parents has split up when he was young.

I hope SS come down on your husband like a ton of bricks

In my personal experience, they don’t. What they do is come down on the non-alcoholic parent like a ton of bricks. They will see the OP as the protective parent and therefore the one who needs to ensure the continuing safety of her son. Whether this feels ‘fair’ or not is irrelevant- their job is to safeguard the CHILD so they look to the parent who looks as if they can do that. The alcoholic gets a letter and copy of the report and all that shit - but let’s face it, most drinking alcoholics won’t see a letter from social services as the turning point in their recovery because they’re usually a long way past it by that stage, or they wouldn’t have done the thing which involved SS.

@dogletsrock I have messaged you privately.

@MrsJaneAusten I can see what you mean but my intent was not to blame OP & her son at all.

My point is that it was possibly over ambitious or foolhardy - 20/20 hindsight a plenty here - for the father & son to be so far away from home when the DS is of an age (e.g. cannot drive ) & in unfamiliar surroundings dependent on a responsible adult & the father is away from home/routine/watchful eye surrounded by booze & loads of people drinking. Nowt changes the choices made by OP’s husband.

I have to second that @grumiosmum The support and power of Mumsnet is incredible! You guys in the UK put us Americans to shame it seems. Wish we had a site like this here. We dont so alas! You guys are all so great. I hope OP and her son are doing ok. Praying for a favorable outcome.

now everyone is safe at home, i would be seriously thinking that he needs to leave, maybe not forever but you maybe need some space to get your head in the right place, he needs treatment and he needs to understand that this really is the last straw, your son could have been dead for all he knew, at that moment for all he cared... that the reality here... at that moment he didnt care... is that the life you want to keep living? everyday wondering if this si the day he drinks again, the day he drives drunk and kills your son, innocent people? IS THIS THE DAY? you love him, that is not questioned, but do you love him, yourself and your son enough to say thats it, i wont watch you kill yourself or harm our son any further ? do you?

Another child of an alcoholic wanting to echo every other poster that has been so raw in sharing their own torment. I cannot even begin to divulge half the crap my parent put me through. How dare he compromise your sons safety for his own selfish 'addiction'. My heart goes out to you and your son and I have nothing but contempt for your 'd'h.

Yes alcoholism is a disease, but it is one that often harms those around the alcoholic more than the alcoholic themself.

However it is not a disability. I am half deaf. If I could do something to cure my deafness I would do it. The only people who might be able to cure my deafness are doctors and the designers of apparatuses. Whereas the only person who can cure an alcoholic's addiction, is the alcoholic themself.

@ChristOnAScooter - I don't think the OP has disappeared, but she does have a crisis to deal with at the moment that's probably more important than posting on MN right now .

@AnnonniMoose yes the same crisis she immediately posted on when her husband went missing, and that was my point. And that is why i said it.

*Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.
such a hard hitting comment.

Very true. I am testament to this. I remember hating myself as young as 4/5. Ie primary school, reception year.

Leaving is often best for both parties...sometimes its what the addict needs to wake up and take responsibility for their choices

My dad is very near the end stage of having tried to drink himself to death for 20 years. My mum is still with him and it is having an adverse affect on her mental and physical health. The way I see it, had they split he still might have drunk himself to death, or he might have realised that he needed to change and deal with his addiction. So the worst case scenario would be no worse than what is currently happening.

If my mum had left 10 years ago she would have been (relatively) free of the stress of dealing with my dad. She'd be financially a lot better off. She would have moved back near her family - it was dad's idea to isolate them an 8 hour journey away from us all. And my mum would at least have had a chance at an enjoyable and relaxing retirement. We wouldn't have had to see her enabling behaviour on top of my dad's alcoholism.

I understand why she hasn't done this and I don't blame her. My brother and I are adults in our 40s, my dad's alcoholism kicked in after we'd left home. And I wouldn't blame the OP for whatever decision she makes, because I'm just sitting here on the internet whilst she's the one living it.

What I would say though OP is to give it a day or two until you're calmer. Then read back through this thread. With calm eyes see yourself from an outside perspective. See what your husband put you and your son through. Strangers on the internet were more use than your husband. That might help you make a decision.

Oh don’t use your son needing his dad as an excuse not to leave. He understands far more than you give him credit for. Yes he wants his dad but he wants a sober dad. All any child of an alcoholic wants is the parent to be sober and it’s unbelievable how long they will wait hoping that one day that parent will love them more than alcohol and stay dry.

My step nephew has aspergers and an alcoholic mother. He is an adult now and remembers every detail of her drinking, her behaviour, every single time she let him down and every time he was afraid. He thought he had to support her until she could stop.

He remembers how stressful she made his life, with his aspergers he is quite literal, it’s black and white, he can’t lie. Therefore every time his mother said she would stop drinking he believed her and every time she started again it was a shock to him. He said it made him extremely anxious.

Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves

And they also stop respecting the non alcoholic parent who tolerates and enables.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic father (considerably less bad than your DH by the sound of it, but bad enough to embarrass me socially a lot and for me to worry about his health). I didn't want my parents to split but for years I pleaded with my mum to take a tougher stance with him.

She's now dead and he's still alive, ironically. I've made peace with him although I limit time with him. But its her I have never been able to properly forgive. She was the one who put her marriage and convention ahead of our need to be safe.

Of course I realise there's more to it than that and I now know how difficult it was for her and feel desperately sad that she didn't feel able to leave.

But OP be aware that if you repeatedly fail to protect children from an alcoholic parent they will subconsciously see you as complicit.

Sending much support to you: I know what a horrific situation you're in and don't want to make it worse. But what your H did last night was beyond the pale.

You say he's the best dad ever when sober.

He was sober when he had that first drink.

He left your vulnerable son alone and scared, miles away from home.

Presumably you can never leave your son alone with his father now.

You've set the bar very low.

You are minimising what happened op. He abandoned your son at a festival. It's bad.

Another child of an alcoholic here. I will go one forget than other posters- I have a very poor relationship with my mum now because she didn't leave him. It's taken years of therapy to come to terms with my childhood. My mum also told herself she was doing right by us kids by staying. But she did not and I don't think I'll ever forgive her for that.

It's scary facing up to it but you are the adult here.

How many more chances will you give your H? What will it take?

@ChristOnAScooter- funny she has now disappeared

Do you not think that op has enough on her mind right now? What gives you the right to demand an update/consistent posting?

It was 3am. Maybe the OP 'disappeared' to get some sleep...

Yes, OP posted here when she had no-one else and was alone.

Now she's home and dealing with her son and husband. I imagine things are pretty intense. Updating us should be the least important thing in her life right now.

@ChristOnAScooter- funny she has now disappeared

Do you not think that op has enough on her mind right now? What gives you the right to demand an update/consistent posting?
^^ This

I think that, having been up most of the previous night and gone through such a stressful time, the op was probably ready for her bed after her last post around 8pm last night.

I don't see why there's anything suspicious about posting as a crisis happens/unfolds when you can't think straight and are desperate for advice, and then not posting as much when the immediate problem has been resolved.

I also don't know why some posters feel they have a right to regular responses from the op.

My DF is an alcoholic.

He has been sober for almost 20yrs. However, my childhood memories are full of difficult events and incidents.

I really wish my mother had had the balls to leave. She looked into it lots of times but never did.

All of our lives would have been much better.