Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

945 replies

dogletsrock · 27/07/2019 00:04

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
AnnonniMoose · 28/07/2019 15:11

This song always hits me right in the feels.

AnnonniMoose · 28/07/2019 17:15

Did I kill the thread?

Medievalist · 28/07/2019 17:24

Oh AnnonniMoose - that made me cry.

AnnonniMoose · 28/07/2019 17:38

Like the song says - if there's one thing I've learnt it's that my kids will never have to say: walk a little straighter Sad.

That song never fails to bring tears to my eyes. I so wish things could've been different for my DM, but it was what it was.

WorriedSENMum · 28/07/2019 18:04

Another child of an alcoholic father with an enabling DM. Only my DM ended up joining him so I had 2 alcoholic parents. Sad Before that I remember being the only one in my class who actually used to WISH that my parents would get divorced. The number of times DM threatened to leave & on occasion she did, I was happy for a few fucking hours until she ALWAYS went back, because she didn't know what else to do! Angry The arguments, the abuse, the violence I witnessed & suffered, yet I still always loved my parents! I wish DM had had the strength to leave him, for her sake as much as mine. Sad for her that she wasted her entire adult life on him only for her to end up dying younger than she should have & dad is still here! Sad

ssd · 28/07/2019 19:13

WorriedSENMum, how sad Flowers

Riannie · 28/07/2019 21:00

AnnonniMoose this thread made me think of that exact song when I read it yesterday. It is so sad that some parents are unable to realise that their children are watching their every move and learning from their actions.

MadeForThis · 28/07/2019 22:30

You know what you need to do. Do it safely and sensibly. Plan how you need to leave. What you need in place. Your Ds is lucky to have you. Stay strong. X

Kolo · 28/07/2019 22:35

@WorriedSENMum Jesus I could have written your post almost exactly. Only difference is that my mom never really drank.

boredboredboredboredbored · 30/07/2019 07:29

Lind57 I completely disagree. Her ds is 15 that's many years to make a decision. I also think the decision would be an easy one to make, the dc ALWAYS come first not the abuser. Can you imagine the damage to the ds here?

YvonneMyBelle · 30/07/2019 07:35

OP you are being amazingly strong and resilient. Please remember that it is not you who is making this choice for your son, it is your dh. Each time he reaches for a drink he is choosing that over you, your son, your relationship, his family.
I do hope you can make a safe life for you and your son. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Take care.

PerkyPomPoms · 30/07/2019 07:41

Thinking of you

MyOtherProfile · 30/07/2019 07:58

Thinking of you OP.

Fleetheart · 30/07/2019 08:13

@boredboredboredboredbored, what maybe you don’t get us that after many years of living with an alcoholic our self esteem is low, we don’t trust our decisions, we can’t make our mind up. We are continually told that we don’t support them enough, that we’re over reacting; it’s our fault they drink. Believe me it’s not easy to know what to do and in that situation you need strong (practical) support to help. Not criticism.

ihatethecold · 30/07/2019 08:43

Children of abusive parents rarely stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.

This made me cry yesterday. So true and I didn’t realise this.
I’m mid 40’s and have had lots of therapy this year to help me become a counsellor.
I’ve realised how much having an alcoholic father and an enabling mother has affected me.
I ended up having a baby at 16. I worked out this year why I had such a low opinion of myself that having a baby with an abusive man was a good idea!
I was looking for love that was missing 😪

71wheretogo · 30/07/2019 09:24

I was your son once OP. I was 16, being driven back to boarding school on a Sunday night by my pissed-as-a-fart father - the drive itself was horrendous - weaving off the road, going at 100 mph down a dual carriageway - clipped someone's wing mirror - had to stop on the side of the road for him to have a wee but he couldn't stand up. I had to decide whether to stop him driving for his own sake, or let him go. I stopped him. He called me all the names under the sun and I took the car keys off him, found a phonebox and called my mother (who had let me get in the car with him in the first place knowing the state he was in because she had a 1 year old at home also by now and she couldn't face the journey with that 1 year old). She had to get a neighbour to drive up with her to fetch him while he called me a bitch etc etc.

I have pretty much spent the rest of my life wondering if I should have done that or not - was I making too much of it - etc etc.

I'm extremely good at putting up with shit as an adult. Honed my skills as a teenager you see. Which I've only recently realised is not necessarily a good thing. Am far more tolerant than other people, to my detriment. I stay in situations that other people would have bailed out of long ago.

I hope you're ok, and I hope your son is too.

Chilling19 · 30/07/2019 09:27

71 you did exactly the right thing and probably saved your life. 💐

71wheretogo · 30/07/2019 09:31

Thanks Chilling you made me cry a little bit.

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 09:57

71wheretogo well done for having the strength to stop your father.

Your father was very wrong. There is doubt at all that he was as close as he would ever want to come to having a terrible accident, and endangering his own and your life.

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 09:58

71 how old were you

IncrediblySadToo · 30/07/2019 10:10

@midsummabreak

71wheretogo

I was your son once OP. I was 16,

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/07/2019 10:24

Indeed you did the right thing 71.... You probably saved more than one life by doing that most diffocult thing /decision!!

Juells · 30/07/2019 10:34

@71wheretogo
I'm extremely good at putting up with shit as an adult. Honed my skills as a teenager you see. Which I've only recently realised is not necessarily a good thing. Am far more tolerant than other people, to my detriment. I stay in situations that other people would have bailed out of long ago.

Don't beat yourself up about that. I had a very secure childhood, with very well-balanced parents, and I put up with endless shit. You could be exactly the same if your childhood had been different.

midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 12:31
  • there is no doubt at all
midsummabreak · 30/07/2019 12:36

Thank-you incrediblysadToo , 71wheretogo you were a brave 16 year old, your Dad should have been saving YOUR life