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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

254 replies

IveToldYouTwice · 26/07/2019 16:53

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Asta19 · 26/07/2019 19:42

MN makes me laugh sometimes. There’s one thread going where an OP is being advised she should “force” her nearly 14 yr old SDD to come on a family holiday because she is a “child” (even though she’ll be nearly 15 by the time of the holiday!) and yet 3 years later these kids are expected to fend for themselves and never darken their parents doors again! At least not longer than a day or two! Because according to MN every guest outstays their welcome after 2 days. Apparently a week is “far too long”. This is a very strange place sometimes!

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 26/07/2019 19:53

God I’ve read it all now - pp referring to a teenager as a guest once they’ve left for uni. I’m not a guest in any of my family’s homes - in-laws & siblings included. How sad.

thirdfiddle · 26/07/2019 19:56

I don't think having your room undisturbed and being made to feel at home are the same thing. Not being kept a room can be a symptom of a bad relationship, but it doesn't imply it. I always felt at home at my parents', because I was part of the family and consulted on decisions (like the one where I no longer had a proper room) and welcomed as family whenever I was there. I still feel at home at my parents' place at 40, and they have moved twice since I moved out and I certainly don't have a room. You can make someone feel at home and still get their room decorated and use it when they're not there.

HeronLanyon · 26/07/2019 20:03

I think YABU and I went to university in the 80s. 300 miles from my home. For me I didn’t consider myself to have moved out of my family home fundamentally because I stayed whenever I wanted to and eg during some summer weeks etc. I was also aware I might well move back to that house for (hopefully) short time when I found feet. I grew up in London and I think assumes I would return to London so maybe that explains it.
Ask your dd. Talk to her. It’s a messy kind of moving out period unlike leaving home to work and have own flat. Partly because there’s rarely enough space to have all your stuff with you when in student flats/houses. She may be very upset. Or not. Talk to her !
Good luck op.

user1487194234 · 26/07/2019 20:03

YABVU in my opinion
My DCS rooms are there until they make a permanent move

NEtoN10 · 26/07/2019 20:04

My mum has moved house 3 times since I left uni. It would be very strange if she kept a bedroom like I had it as a teenager. I visit and stay every month but I do consider myself a guest and I always have since I left home. My mum is amazing and we have a wonderful relationship but she taught me to be independent and resilient... I did consider myself an adult at 18 and completely fit to look after myself. I didn't think this was unusual.

HeronLanyon · 26/07/2019 20:09

limited ‘sparta’ that made me laugh. Modern town pretty lovely and friendly but that did make me think of the dark mountains surrounding it !!! Grin

HeronLanyon · 26/07/2019 20:11

I am in my 50s and never once felt like a guest in my ma’s house whether dropping in or staying. But she would have in mine. You never stop being a parent - or child! (Unless circs force it obvs)

mumto2teenagers · 26/07/2019 20:14

YABU

Our dd is at Uni but comes home in holidays and for the odd weekend. She considers home here and is planning on coming back after uni for a few years.

NewMinouMinou · 26/07/2019 20:19

Asta19

I had to leave home at 16 so I always vowed my kids would have a home as long as they needed it. People without options can make poor choices. I know because I did it! As have others I have seen in that situation.

Amen to that! Same here.
I had to leave gone at 16 and got myself through A levels and uni and looking back, although I had a blast, I was actually incredibly vulnerable. It could have gone very wrong indeed.

Thentherewascakes · 26/07/2019 20:22

As for not very successful, what are you basing that on?

experience...

People kicked out at 16 or 18 don't seem to achieve near as much as the ones who had a good family support behind them. Of course, there's always an exception, I can think of a very successful business owner who used to be homeless - literally sleeping rough. It doesn't change the facts.

It doesn't mean anyone is advocating keeping kids home doing nothing well into their 30s. It's about the kids keeping a home. That's pretty important.

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2019 20:22

I'm sure it is HeronLanyon. I was thinking of defective babies being exposed on those dark mountains for the good of the city state!

But it made them a formidable fighting force, rather than those snowflakes from Athens. And I love that film with Gerard Butler Wink

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/07/2019 20:23

Yabu

NewMinouMinou · 26/07/2019 20:25

It’s about knowing that the security is there, even if you cringe at the idea of ever having to use it.

Looking back, I was an object of pity to many (didn’t feel it at the time) and if it weren’t for some people discreetly looking out for me and helping out without my knowledge, I would have sunk. It’s so easy...

GoshLookAtTheTime · 26/07/2019 20:28

YABU
My son has just finished his 3 years at uni and returned home.
He’s our son, it’s his home for however long he wants it to be.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 26/07/2019 20:29

I think YABU.

As someone who never felt welcome at my parents house even as a child, it's very important to me that my children know they will always have a home with us. I know not everyone will share my view, but most people I know definitely expect/want their children to come home at least for a while after university. I think giving your children those few years of security when they are going from education into work will help them settle into the right career, have choices and hopefully allow them to save some money so that things are easier for them when they do move out.

TheRLodger · 26/07/2019 20:33

Yabu I went to uni then came back to live with parents.

I think your attitude was more accepted a decade ago. But with rising rent and all of the issues recently that it’s more acceptable to go home.

I’d say half of my friends returned home the other half properly flew the nest. However, many of the half you went properly were on ltr very few were single

HeronLanyon · 26/07/2019 20:37

limited that’s interesting. I thought it was all of their male babies or many anyway. Need to go google !

HeronLanyon · 26/07/2019 20:41

limited you’re right only the ‘puny and deformed’ interestingly only adult skeletons have been found I the chasm. Even more interestingly all babies were bathed in wine immediately after birth a survival test of its own.
Those mountains are remarkable. Dicey drive from kalamata. Beautiful Think I’ve seen the chasms !!

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2019 20:53

HeronLanyon Athens is the birthplace of democracy but it was a male-dominated society. The Spartans were a monarchy but with very progressive views on women's rights. They had some harsh ideas on parenting, but I don't think that stretched to redecorating your daughter's bedroom to make way for guests while she was at uni Wink

IncandescentShadow · 26/07/2019 20:59

NewMinouMinou Looking back, I was an object of pity to many (didn’t feel it at the time) and if it weren’t for some people discreetly looking out for me and helping out without my knowledge, I would have sunk. It’s so easy...

Same here. Thanks to the manager of the hall of residence who tolerated me sleeping on a friend's floor in halls for a few weeks til I found a flat one year, and to a friend's family having me to stay in an oasis of normality for a few weeks one summer. So kind of them and so under-stated.

But that's how averse I was to going home after my father told me he wasn't legally responsible for me any more and wanted to charge me digs money for the Christmas holidays.

CherryPavlova · 26/07/2019 21:14

I truly can’t imagine ever thinking of my children as guests. All that we have is theirs. We will do all in our gift to support and enable them in life.

AnotherEmma · 26/07/2019 21:15

I can see both sides.

A lot of students need and/or want to go back to their parents' home in the holidays. In my first 2 years at uni we didn't have a choice (the student accommodation was only available during term time). But I can see that for many students from the second year onwards they might be renting somewhere for the whole year round, they might have a summer job in their university town, they might go on holiday with their friends or BF/GF, and might spend very little time indeed at their parents' home. In the mostly privileged world of mumsnet, perhaps a lot of you have big houses with a bedroom for each child (even the mostly absent ones) AND a spare room for guests. But for people who don't have that much space, I don't think it's reasonable to insist on reserving leaving an adult child's room exclusively for them when they barely live there.

OP, I suggest a compromise. Your DD's room can still be "hers" but it needs to become more guest-friendly so it can be used by guests when she doesn't need/want it. So it would be reasonable to ask her to declutter - still allow her to store some things there but ask her to leave some empty drawers/shelves. Redecorate but get her input. If any furniture (eg bed/other) needs replacing, get her input. And she obviously gets first "dibs" on the room ie guests can only stay in it if she's not there.

My mum divorced and moved house while I was at uni. I still had a room at her house but we decorated it fairly neutrally and I don't know if guests used it but it would have been fair enough if they had!

TheFairyCaravan · 26/07/2019 21:18

YABU.

DS1 joined the army 5 years ago and DS2 went to uni 4 years ago. Their rooms are their rooms. They've been cleared out of a lot of their stuff, by them, but they can come and go whenever they please.

DS2 has stayed in the city where he went to uni and has just moved in with his girlfriend and her parents, while they save for a house, but I'm still keeping his room here just incase anything goes wrong. And of course the pair of them are welcome at any time.

I'd hate my kids to have to ring to find out to see if someone was staying in their room before they came home.

FilthyforFirth · 26/07/2019 21:45

YABU. What about Christmas/Easter etc? My room is still referred to as such and I am 34,having left at 18. Seems a bit harsh to expect her to entirely move out.

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