to think that once your dcs have left for university that they have effectively 'left'?

[IveToldYouTwice]

Have name changed as dd is a spy when it comes to mumsnet. I know times are different now but I left home when I was around 17. Never went back but obviously went to visit every now and then but stopped having a room at home.

Dd went to university last year. This year, her second year, she has rented a house for 12 months with her friends so effectively she will be living there. She also has a job in the city where she's at university. I still have other dcs at home. Her university is in a different city to where we live, around 2 hours away.

Her room is not being used for the majority of the year now so I want to redecorate it and use it for guests as we often have people visiting (family/friends) and our house is tiny and this is now the only spare room. This has been met with wails of horror about how I'm kicking her out and how she doesn't have a 'home' any more. She does, of course, but her room will now become the guest room and she's welcome to come and stay whenever she likes.

Neither exh nor dp think I am being harsh as we had exactly the same arrangement with our parents (exh did come back a lot more often but dp left home and started working when he was 18).

So AIBU?

My DS moved into a student flat for the duration of his uni course (4yrs)and his bedroom in our family home was always still his even if we did put up the occasional guest in it.He moved back in with us after graduation for 3 years to save up for a deposit for his own property.He has now moved out but I still refer to it as his room and not a spare room.

MachineBee My goodness what a lot of precious snowflakes are out there! Devastated, distraught, abandoned!

No, we are actually talking about people who leave home at the age of 17 or 18, unlike the vast majority these days who stay til they're about 30...I expect you were one of them!

At 18 you are legally an adult. Most 18 year olds fully embrace the benefits of being a legal adult. But they also have to accept the responsibilities that come with reaching the age of majority.

My father used to actually love coming out with the line "Once you're 16, we owe you nothing, you're on your own". Hence I didn't have any kind of a relationship with him. Once you start thinking along those lines, you quickly realise that you can do a lot better than wasting your time on a selfish, self absorbed person who isn't that bothered about you.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock - again depends where you studied. We weren't allowed to work in term time.

Don't be surprised when you have a shit relationship with your adult children then. Do some of you wake up when they turn 18 and just instantly feel your child should leave because legally they are an adult. That's it job done?

YANBU

We hand far too much power to DCs these days. Teaching them the universe doesn’t revolve around them, and how to stand on their own two feet is good parenting.

It used to be a lot more common for people my age and for my own parents generation to keep a bedroom in their own parents house - it's nice you try to plonk the word snowflake in the debate but it's not working.

Why do you even bother to have kids if you think you should kick them out and let them on their own at 16 or 18? Your kids will be a lot more grounded and successful if they are raised in a loving and secure environment and know they have a back up.
Otherwise you end up raising some very bitter individual with no sense of belonging, and not that successful. Each to their own, but not the way I picture a family. Probably the same people who will also refuse to take care of their elderly parents because it's good to be independent...

My parents turned my room into a guest room. I don't feel as welcome any more or that this is my family home. I feel like a guest who has to visit when it is convenient for my parents.

But... you are. You are a guest. You’ve moved out, therefore when you go and stay with them you’re a guest in their home. I’m surprised you feel aggrieved at being able to stay with them, rather than grateful you’re able to! Just comes across so entitled to me. My home when I moved to uni was uni. I loved living there for three years and it being mine. I accept some people still see their parents’ home or their childhood home as ‘home’ but continuing to treat it as your home doesn’t really foster that independence you’d expect from someone in their twenties.

RollaCola84 oh yeah, that’s shit. I despise unis that have those rules, it’s so elitist and means only the wealthy can engage in that course of study as they’re the only ones who can afford to, while the less well off students are stuck and can’t do it. Should be none of the university’s business whether you’re working during term time or not imo, they’re adults paying a huge sum to study not children. If their grades suffer then address that, but it’s weirdly controlling to have a say over what they’re doing on their evenings and weekends! During my MA I regularly had to do the bulk of my academic work at 1am after working 9am-midnight (placement plus paid job), my entire thesis was written after midnight cos that’s when I got home from work. And that was nobody’s business but mine.

It's like Sparta round here sometimes, with the people insisting their children should stand on their own two feet once they turn 18.

Some people go to university and then move back in with their parents because rents, particularly in the south east, are outrageous and their parents don't want to see them wasting money when they could be saving for a deposit.

Some parents take their adult children in with open arms after life-changing events like divorce or serious illness.

Replace the bed with a double if you want - she'd probably like that when she comes to stay with a boyfriend or girlfriend. But does it really need redecorating and removal of her personality, or just a bit of a spruce up?

But... you are. You are a guest. You’ve moved out, therefore when you go and stay with them you’re a guest in their home.

wow, what a horrible way to consider your kids

I had to leave home at 16 so I always vowed my kids would have a home as long as they needed it. People without options can make poor choices. I know because I did it! As have others I have seen in that situation.

My DS has moved abroad, initially on a 1 year contract but hopes to stay longer (as in forever!). He went in January and finds out in September if they want to keep him on. So I’m not making any big changes until he gets that confirmation. My DD has just left a controlling relationship (I didn’t find out it was controlling until it ended) and she came home. Without that option she may well have stayed. So I’m happy to take her back for a while until she finds her feet again.

I’m certainly not one to keep their rooms as “shrines”, but they know they have a home here if they need it. It’s a security thing.

I am in two minds about this, I think it's important that they know they have a home until they finish education/get a job/decide to move out permanently. My DD is nearly 21 and moved out last year for her first year of uni. She was in halls for that time. I have an 8 yo DS. He had a little bedroom and a ton of stuff. DD, on the other hand, had a huge bedroom and left it in a dire state. I threw out 25 sacks of tat and rubbish when she went. She didn't want half the clothes so they were donated etc. I decided to swap their bedrooms. I couldn't for the life of me see why I should keep this huge room for her when she wasn't here when it would work so much better for DS and his ten ton of toys. It also meant I could clear a whole room downstairs that was being used as a playroom. Well you'd think the world had ended. I am afraid I stuck to my guns. She grudgingly accepted the situation and has been fine in the small room which has been freshly decorated and accessorised. I want to be able to use that room for guests if I have them and I don't think that is unreasonable. She isn't here for most of the year. She has plenty of storage for the stuff she doesn't take to her new place and I am happy for it to be here. I am also happy for her to come home if and when she needs to. I don't think you're unreasonable OP to want to use that space as you need to while she's not there.

I should just say further to my previous post that she did choose the decor and all the accessories and they will stay put...

Otherwise you end up raising some very bitter individual with no sense of belonging, and not that successful.

That’s such a reach. I’m one of those who left for university and didn’t spend a night back at my parents’ house again. I’m not remotely bitter! I felt grateful for the parenting they’d already done in raising me and that it was very much time for them to live their own lives again.

My sense of belonging to my family of origin isn’t dictated by where I pay my rent or sleep at night, how flimsy would that be? My sense of belonging is also that home is wherever I am. I’ve felt as much ‘home’ in student halls as a house share with strangers as I did living with parents or alone or with a partner.

As for not very successful, what are you basing that on? You really think only people who have the ability to go and stay with their parents are successful? I’ll spare you a run down of my academic achievements and qualifications and work history, but I’ve very much succeeded (and plan to continue to do so), and part of what’s made me succeed is the drive and determination I’ve felt to take care or myself, that nobody is going to coddle me or rescue me if I fall, to keep going however difficult things get. Which I may or may not have felt had it been someone who still had their childhood bedroom, who knows. But the notion that someone’s child will be less successful if their childhood bedroom is repurposed as a guest room is bizarre 😂

YANBU, my room went to my sibling when I went to uni. And that was less than 10 years ago.

If you need the extra space then its bizarre to keep it as her bedroom for the couple of weeks a year she might use it, imo.

How about you let her be involved in the redecorating so she doesn't feel pushed out.

Not rtft but you are being unreasonable

Your daughter comes first

Always

Dd comes home tomorrow after four years at uni. She's got a two year contract in her new job so shes staying for at least two years.

My goodness what a lot of precious snowflakes are out there! Devastated, distraught, abandoned!

MachineBee, people can come from vastly different sets of circumstances. I hope your kids didn't turn out as condescending, dismissive and judgmental as you.

I don't think I'll consider that my dc have properly moved out until they are buying or renting a place big enough to move all their stuff into, rather than a room in a shared house. Until then, although the dc's rooms will be utilised for visitors while they aren't here, they will still have first refusal and I would always check with them whether they are intending to come home on a particular date, before I invite guests!

YANBU. Presumably the new “spare room” will be available to her when she wants to come and visit so I don’t see a problem with redecorating. If you had a bigger house with a spare guest room I might think differently but as you need a spare room for guests I don’t see a problem.

I am in my 50s and I went back to my parents' house for about 5 years after university. DH on the other hand left home as soon as he left university.

DS is still at secondary school, but is thinking about going to university when leaves school. DH assumes he will then leave home, I am keeping the options open. I think times have changed too, more children stay at home well past 18 to help save money for a deposit.

I can understand if space is at a premium to have a multi use room, but I would certainly involve her in the discussions and assume if she comes homes in the holidays that she would take priority over guests.

I wouldn’t call going to university “leaving home” but that’s because It wasn’t for me. I went to university for 30 weeks of the year and worked at home in the holidays. And lived back at home for 2 years. So I don’t think one solution fits all. I think saying you need the bedroom for people to use when they stay is fair enough and DD can decide what she’s happy leaving there and what she wants to take out of there. Then have a discussion about the type of bed you would like to go in there and personally I’d make it one that will then be useful for friends/family and suitable if DD moves home. Decorating though I’d leave until she moves out “officially”.

Yabu, both mine left uni and then came back to save for a house, oldest has achieved that, youngest on the way.

YABU, it's still their home.

DC1 uni. then job he hated moved back home, then abroad for five years then back home for 18 months. Then bought a home.

DC2 uni. then oil industry, so five weeks on five weeks off. Eventually saved enough for a house.

DC3 at uni. there will always be a bedroom for him, but I do intend to redecorate etc. for guests eventually.