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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother came and asked me for more money

176 replies

SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 14:38

I work and earn a wage but no way is it a healthy wage. Rent is out of reach for me for so many places. Unless if I move miles and miles away and rent a room in student accommodation.

A mortgage is out of sight for me.

Anyways I live at home with my mother. There is also another brother (he's a different story and for another thread). Some people might think, living at home, I couldn't possibly understand what the real world is like and I must get my parents to clean and cook for me and do my laundry and pay no bills.

None of that is true. I don't expect my mother to cook or clean for me or to pay my way.

I help at home with paying for bills and other jobs.

Bill's come in and they are split down the middle. She likes to look at my brother and pity him for being male and she's refuses to take even 1 euro off him to pay his share for living at home. So that means, paying bills by half, down the middle between me and her.

It was only in recent times that I finally got through to her and I said to her - I can't afford to keep another adult on the go here indefinitely. I finally got through to her. Bills were finally going three ways. I since learned she was paying his share of the bills.

He despised his job and walked out to start on benefits and to relax for a few months before looking for work again. So bills are now back to two ways again because he doesn't have the money. (my mother wasn't taking a cent of him anyways).

Anyways we have home heating oil for the house. Mother likes to order every three months. Before she used to order 300 euros worth. Within the past year or two she started ordering 400 euros worth and sometimes the delivery man had trouble filling the tank with the amount that she requested and had to return some money.

Mother came to me at the end of May telling me that we will have to order oil again soon. We agreed to order 300 euros worth because its summer time. So I payed my half to my mother.

I was honest to god busy and it went to the back of my mind. My mother came to me this morning, while I was rushing out the door to say that she didn't order the oil yet but she will have to over the next week or so. She has now said that she wants to order 400 euros worth of oil instead of the 300 that we agreed so she wants more of my money to over the oil. She wants me to pay 50 euro more. I told her that I budgeted for 300 euro and I don't have more money. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
huggybear · 26/07/2019 21:19

Rent might be expensive but you can buy flats pretty cheap.

Rachelover40 · 26/07/2019 21:33

Move out!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/07/2019 21:38

Look for a live in Nannying job.

Youngandfree · 26/07/2019 21:48

Min wage is 9.80 but plenty of jobs offer more!! My cousin is 16 and workin in Clarke’s for the summer on 10.90.

OP there’s more to Ireland than Dublin...cork is a great city, so is Waterford!! Go and get yourself sorted somewhere else and stop putting your life on hold!!

seven201 · 26/07/2019 21:58

Stop thinking up reasons not to move out and just move out.

Hadalifeonce · 27/07/2019 03:04

You should only be paying one third of bills.
Do not pay any more for oil. I would also check that the oil has actually been delivered.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/07/2019 03:35

Why are you accepting this ridiculous situation.?? Sadly you are kind of enabling your own financial abuse....

Just don't get fused with the 'extra' 50 euro... Get angry and ACT on it..!!

Very few places would this sexist shit be acceptable....

You're not able to live happily
You're not able to save - if you want to.

All to enable your mum making your brother an entitled lazy abusive arse..??

So is your brother inheriting this house he pays nothing for??

BumbleBeee69 · 27/07/2019 04:08

OP you didn’t ‘get through’ to your Mother... she simply started paying your brothers share on his behalf.. all the advice you’ been given over and over again you have ignored. So accept this is simply the life you choose, because you have accepted and chosen it, despite moaning to strangers online abour it ...

spacedone · 27/07/2019 06:08

So many solutions but a refusal to do absolutely anything.

HorridHenrysNits · 27/07/2019 08:04

Your mother has made her intentions very clear. She and anyone else living in her home will subsidise her son. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

And fair or not, she doesn't have to charge him if she doesn't want to and she can ask you for whatever contribution as a condition of living there, because it's her house.

So stop posting about whether she's unreasonable or not, because you know full well she is, but that makes no difference to the situation. You can leave. Alternatives are available. Either you take them, or you stay at home and do what she has been very clear she requires as a condition of your stay: subsidise your brother. But you're wasting your time expecting her to behave fairly.

Thatsnotmyflamingo · 27/07/2019 08:56

Could you clarify OP if you are in Dublin or elsewhere in Ireland? You don't 'sound' like you're from Dublin, more like Munster I would have thought.. and rental costs anywhere else just aren't comparable to Dublin.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 27/07/2019 09:12

I can only add to everyone else’s voice.

I had an ongoing situation I wasn’t happy with and someone’s gave me the best advice I’ve ever ever had. It was sharply worded ‘Then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT’

You know your mother won’t change, so the only way you’re going to be happier is if you change, or at least change your circumstances.

Every suggestion has been met with negativity, but you’re only preparing for an endless cycle of unfairness and unhappiness unless you’re the one to break it.

Instead of all the reasons you can’t do that, start working on what you CAN do.

justasking111 · 27/07/2019 09:25

You can choose to be homeless now or wait until you are old your mother dies and your brother throws you out

beanaseireann · 27/07/2019 09:37

What is it about Irish Mammies and their sons?

Belenus · 27/07/2019 10:10

I had an ongoing situation I wasn’t happy with and someone’s gave me the best advice I’ve ever ever had. It was sharply worded ‘Then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT’

This is very true OP. No-one here can give you some magic formula that will make your mum treat you and your brother fairly. We cannot change them, you cannot change them. You can change your situation but you have to want to and you have to accept that to start with it will be tough and then ultimately it will be much better. It sounds as if the dynamic between you and your mother is abusive and that she has ground you down so you are afraid of change. But there is only so often people can shout "move out". You will have to take that step or you will forever be complaining about your situation.

TheFridgeRaider · 27/07/2019 10:18

Tbf it is unfair OP pays but brother isn't, but it can't be THAT bad since OP can afford 2 cruises during main holiday season🤷

MarieBaroneIsMyMom · 27/07/2019 10:22

What is it about Irish Mammies and their sons?

Not all! My husband is an only child and his mammy would not countenance this shit for one second.

sadkoala · 27/07/2019 10:29

Move. Even if it's a cheap shitty shared accomodation. Move out and save to get your own place.

I don't know why on earth you're putting up with it.

Elle2019 · 27/07/2019 10:54

Op I think you really need to realise that this isn’t about the €50, another bill will come after this and another one after that. You need to make a permanent move to solve this problem otherwise it won’t get solved.

Myself and Hubbie are both from Ireland(myself Dublin and Hubbie Wicklow) the recession hit us hard like everyone. So we upped and left and 9 years later we are still in Australia. The first 6 months were extremely hard not going to lie BUT I’m currently sitting in our own home, cars outside,pool, money in the bank and we are living a much better lifestyle(not that is the be all and end all, but for us it was better than being on the dole) I am a teacher and make a really good wage out here. Childcare is in big demand too.

Hubbie has been in his job 8 years and promoted 3 times. Do I hope to move home one day absolutely...I miss Ireland..especially since the kids have come along. Will it happen...I’m not sure.
What I am trying to say is sometimes we have to move outside our comfort zones to get ourselves out of a rut. Sometimes we have to stop thinking and moaning and just go for it.

People are getting frustrated because as outsiders we can see that nothing will change until you make that decision and do something about it. Pay the €50 or dont that’s up to you but it will just come up again and again.

We all have a friend who has a asshole bf,she comes to you each time they fight, you give her advice over and over, she doesn’t listen. Eventually you stop listening and giving advice because you know she is not going to take it.

Take the advice being give to you by many posters. They are really trying to help.

Take care x

Blondebakingmumma · 27/07/2019 11:15

Give her 1/3 of all rent and bills. Why should you have to pay for your brother to not work? Crazy. If she doesn’t like it tell her to take 1/3 from your brother or you can move out and then she will have to pay the full amount

StrippingTheVelvet · 27/07/2019 19:44

She's being a bit selective in her telling of this saga. Reading between the lines OP doesn't pay half of the rent. She pays half the utilities. That is an exceptionally different story.

There's a reason why you won't move out and it's because you know no matter what alternative living situation you could choose, every single one would be cheaper than living with your mum -subsidising your lifestyle-.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 27/07/2019 22:03

There is no rent or mortgage on the house, the OP said that yesterday. She also said her parents are going through a divorce and 'it's likely' the house will be signed over to her mother. It's all there. But yes, it's just utilities for everyone.

She also said she'd been facing homelessness and so was grateful for a roof over her head. The issue is that none of her brothers have been asked to contribute, whereas she is required to stump up equally with her mother's contribution.

It's all there.

Rainonmyguitar · 29/07/2019 12:41

Ireland's minimum wage is €9.8 per hour. If you work a regular 38 hour week that should be enough to pay rent and bills in a shared house

Please look up the cost of living here in Ireland, it's extortionate, don't be fooled by the minimum wage.

Rainonmyguitar · 29/07/2019 12:51

Rent might be expensive but you can buy flats pretty cheap

FFS Hmm.