My mother came and asked me for more money

[SheepGoesBaa]

I work and earn a wage but no way is it a healthy wage. Rent is out of reach for me for so many places. Unless if I move miles and miles away and rent a room in student accommodation.

A mortgage is out of sight for me.

Anyways I live at home with my mother. There is also another brother (he's a different story and for another thread). Some people might think, living at home, I couldn't possibly understand what the real world is like and I must get my parents to clean and cook for me and do my laundry and pay no bills.

None of that is true. I don't expect my mother to cook or clean for me or to pay my way.

I help at home with paying for bills and other jobs.

Bill's come in and they are split down the middle. She likes to look at my brother and pity him for being male and she's refuses to take even 1 euro off him to pay his share for living at home. So that means, paying bills by half, down the middle between me and her.

It was only in recent times that I finally got through to her and I said to her - I can't afford to keep another adult on the go here indefinitely. I finally got through to her. Bills were finally going three ways. I since learned she was paying his share of the bills.

He despised his job and walked out to start on benefits and to relax for a few months before looking for work again. So bills are now back to two ways again because he doesn't have the money. (my mother wasn't taking a cent of him anyways).

Anyways we have home heating oil for the house. Mother likes to order every three months. Before she used to order 300 euros worth. Within the past year or two she started ordering 400 euros worth and sometimes the delivery man had trouble filling the tank with the amount that she requested and had to return some money.

Mother came to me at the end of May telling me that we will have to order oil again soon. We agreed to order 300 euros worth because its summer time. So I payed my half to my mother.

I was honest to god busy and it went to the back of my mind. My mother came to me this morning, while I was rushing out the door to say that she didn't order the oil yet but she will have to over the next week or so. She has now said that she wants to order 400 euros worth of oil instead of the 300 that we agreed so she wants more of my money to over the oil. She wants me to pay 50 euro more. I told her that I budgeted for 300 euro and I don't have more money. Am I being unreasonable here?

You need to move out go and rent a room in a house.
I'm not surprised when you said Ireland, one of my friends went out with a man from Derry.He was bone idle beyond belief.
She went to visit his family and the Mum had died some years ago.It was just the Dad at home 5 sons and 1 daughter. Guess who was the only person who worked and had to do all the cooking and cleaning as well?

While I was there, my mother came to me often looking for money here and there.
Just stop bloody giving her money, especially if you didn’t even live there at the time. It’s easy to see why she asks, you’ve never said no in the past.

Stop being a fucking pushover op!

Get out, live in shared accommodation, live in with your partner,whatever.

And go no contact with your man and brother!

Why does she insist on ordering too much if the tank doesn't/can't take it? Is it her way of keeping some of your money?

I'd rather live in a caravan or something than live with those two! Leave the pair of them to it and when you leave then no more hand outs!

OP, you're clearly in a dreadful position and are effectively being financially abused. You're posting here because quite rightly you recognise it's not fair, when compared to the totally different way your brother(s) are treated. However, there is no magic solution to it ... your mum isn't suddenly going to see the error of her ways, beg your forgiveness, even things up and repay what she shouldn't have taken. I firmly believe adults should pay their way, but not like this obviously. The answer is staring you in face. It doesn't have to be a student share, many householders will be looking to make a little extra via taking in a lodger.

I'm not entirely sure why you're so reluctant to make the break but I do understand how abusers can all but destroy their victims' self esteem. If it's your own mother who's done that, that's one hell of a thing to come to terms with. I appreciate it's far from easy and I don't know if it's feasible for you but I do think you might benefit from some professional counselling re: recognising your own self worth.

And do please be honest with your partner. If they care about you at all they'd want to try to help, even if it's only a sympathetic ear.

I seem to remember this thread as well?

@catsmother

Well said, far better than I could.

It is an awful situation for OP, but she really needs to get her partner on board to help her escape from her current situation. Someone who will back her up and face off the toxic mother.

I hope she finds peace.

I think a house share would be better for you long term,however do you have to have deposit or rent 1 month ahead?.It may be worth looking at some other options ,If you work can you get a small loan to help you with that.The student accomodation may be a possibility for you.If you can, maybe contact Shelter and see if they have any help for you.The problem is your brother is spoilt and your Mum enjoys spoiling him!.This wont change and you are picking up the slack FFS!

The op has posted previously, the previous posts people are thinking of were someone living in Ireland so not sparklfairy.

Moving out is the only option.

Sadly I think OP will still be at home until mother passes away. It is probably a control issue that she cannot extricate herself from.

Her partner is the key here. If she has been open with him about her issues. But that doesn't seem to be working much either.

I wish you well OP. The future is in your own hands. Choose your path.

You've posted about this before months ago and the advice was the same move out! Get a room in house share.

Be stubborn and stand your groubd. No extra money for fuel. And find a way to move out. You need to consider your own future and let them get on with it.

What's keeping you in this cycle of extremely dysfunctional victimhood? She never takes money off your brothers but hounds you for money and you keep paying up. If you've got money to give spend it on your fecking self and get your life away from these twatty damaged bloodsuckers. What more needs to happen for you to realise your life will only improve when you remove them from it.

You've posted about all of this before and everyone says move out. Why are you still there? What do you expect to change if you, your mother and your brother are still all living in the same house? Move out already!

I doubt OP will take anything we say on board. I don't know why, but a controlling person like her mother can really smother all rational thought.

However, the fact that OP has asked for advice is a step.

Won't happen unless partner takes her away from it all, and understands the dynamic. If she has shared it with him that is.

Otherwise it is futile. But I wish her well.

Your brother is a right cocklodger. Not surprised he doesn’t have a partner to live with. What an anti-catch.

Another one saying to move out. It's gone too long as it is.

Rent a room: gain financial fairness, transparency & independence.

How old are you OP? You say your wages took hammering in the recession, but that was at least 10 years ago, so you must be at least late twenties? You have to cut the ties here and move on.

I'm Irish so I understand this dynamic to an extent. I think you've come on here looking for some magic words that'll fix the situation and make your mother and brother see sense. No such words exist.

For your own sanity and future happiness you need to break away. Otherwise as your mother ages you will be expected to stay there forever to mind her and put all your salary into running the house

Surely if you're paying half the bills in a house with 3 adults, then you can pay for a room in a house share? I can't wrap my head around how you can't afford that if you're paying well over the odds of half of what must be at least a 3 bed house.

Most likely way it will play out - mother and brother will never change. Mother expects care in her old age from her doting daughter whilst feckless son sits on his arse. Cocklodger inherits house and any other assets in his sole name because he is a poor helpless man.

You're in all likelihood going to have to start again anyway once your mother is dead. Why not make the leap now, whilst you're still comparatively young and before you've effectively wasted your entire life for absolutely no return.

I went looking at some rentals a few months ago and it was an absolute headache and a sickener. From my budget, all I would get is a single room in a house share. A single bed in a box room for about 4-500 euro a month, not including bills. That would probably spell the end of my relationship with my partner because of stay overs. Disopable income for dating would be very very limited.

I checked sharing in a two bed apartment. It's a bit more expensive but no couples allowed. From the places advertised as couple friendly, it was far, far, far too much. 1400 - 1600 a month in rent. I don't have that money. I feel like I'm snookered here. My partners family home is in his name but his parents are still there. There's a granny flat but it's rented.

I worked a 90 work week last week and I feel my mother being off form with me yesterday evening and asking for more money this morning, I feel she was trying to dip into more of my wage.

When I say a 90 hour work week, I'm still not loaded by any means. I'm a childminder and I was live in last week. They topped up my wage but its still nothing compared to laws and time and a half. I never told my mother that my wage was topped up but she probably guessed that I would get extra. I think she was eyeing up more money.

Another one here saying move out and rent a room somewhere. I'm sure she'll start asking your brother for his contribution.