Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother came and asked me for more money

176 replies

SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 14:38

I work and earn a wage but no way is it a healthy wage. Rent is out of reach for me for so many places. Unless if I move miles and miles away and rent a room in student accommodation.

A mortgage is out of sight for me.

Anyways I live at home with my mother. There is also another brother (he's a different story and for another thread). Some people might think, living at home, I couldn't possibly understand what the real world is like and I must get my parents to clean and cook for me and do my laundry and pay no bills.

None of that is true. I don't expect my mother to cook or clean for me or to pay my way.

I help at home with paying for bills and other jobs.

Bill's come in and they are split down the middle. She likes to look at my brother and pity him for being male and she's refuses to take even 1 euro off him to pay his share for living at home. So that means, paying bills by half, down the middle between me and her.

It was only in recent times that I finally got through to her and I said to her - I can't afford to keep another adult on the go here indefinitely. I finally got through to her. Bills were finally going three ways. I since learned she was paying his share of the bills.

He despised his job and walked out to start on benefits and to relax for a few months before looking for work again. So bills are now back to two ways again because he doesn't have the money. (my mother wasn't taking a cent of him anyways).

Anyways we have home heating oil for the house. Mother likes to order every three months. Before she used to order 300 euros worth. Within the past year or two she started ordering 400 euros worth and sometimes the delivery man had trouble filling the tank with the amount that she requested and had to return some money.

Mother came to me at the end of May telling me that we will have to order oil again soon. We agreed to order 300 euros worth because its summer time. So I payed my half to my mother.

I was honest to god busy and it went to the back of my mind. My mother came to me this morning, while I was rushing out the door to say that she didn't order the oil yet but she will have to over the next week or so. She has now said that she wants to order 400 euros worth of oil instead of the 300 that we agreed so she wants more of my money to over the oil. She wants me to pay 50 euro more. I told her that I budgeted for 300 euro and I don't have more money. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 26/07/2019 15:31

Your mother and brother are testing you like a cash cow.

You are a green woman.
Move out and be in control of your own life.

LizzieSiddal · 26/07/2019 15:31

*treating

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/07/2019 15:31

You've posted this before, haven't you? Nothing has changed since your last thread. Please just move out. There is no other solution.

DuchessDumbarton · 26/07/2019 15:32

Move out.... I know, it's student accommodation, and it's miles away.
For your financial and mental health, you need to go.

As an aside, if these are the family dynamics, then being away from home will help you get your head clear. You will be amazed at how far you will go, as you already have this much strength of character.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/07/2019 15:32

I'd either give her 1/3 of the cost of everything - your brother should be contributing and it's not your problem if she's not taking money off him when she should be - or I'd move out, even into a fecking caravan to get away from this toxic sexist shite.

She's never going to see sense and he's going to continue in his feckless ways because he's no incentive to do anything different - so you're going to be the one shouldering the shit all the time until YOU choose to make a change.

So make one now.

Rainonmyguitar · 26/07/2019 15:34

You've posted about this before right? Didn't you say you had other brothers who were going to have a word with the arsehole brother? Did nothing get sorted?

negomi90 · 26/07/2019 15:34

Move out. Even something grotty from spare room.com will be less stress full than what is going on at home.
Leave and don't feel an ounce of guilt. Your mum will have to rebudget, possibly move and possibly start pushing your brother into adulting. That's on her and her poor parenting of him. Its not your responsibility. Its not your problem.
The best thing you can do for you is leave.

BaaBaaBaaMoo · 26/07/2019 15:39

Irish mammies and their precious boys!
Move out whatever it takes op.

LostInNorfolk · 26/07/2019 15:41

You have posted about this before (on multiple occasions?)

What was the advice then?

What has change since then?

flowergirl78 · 26/07/2019 15:42

Move out. I'm guessing you are in Dublin if you can't afford rent. Move to any other city or get a house share. Bet when she is old you will be expected to provide all her care while precious brother does nothing.

Outsomnia · 26/07/2019 15:42

Has your partner given you any support/advice/suggestions/solutions to your dilemma? Think about that. Where does he/she live?

I think you have to forge a new life for yourself very soon. Easy for us to say, but I think you have to have a plan.

The 50 quid for the oil is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I would not pay it unless I was ready to leave TBH.

There are probably other issues in your family life, and I am sorry if there are. Hope you pull up those big girl pants and do what is right for you.

Your partner is a very big key in all this really. See what s/he says and advises/supports you in.

Best of luck. Irish Mammies can be infamous! My granny was one of them to my Mum, so I have seen it in action! Bigger portions for the men, washing and ironing their clothes, I could go on, but that was the way, it should not be the way now, and if it is, you need to think about it. Times have moved on.

Best of luck.

Sparklfairy · 26/07/2019 15:43

OP I was in your exact position up until last year. My mother took every penny off me pleading poverty, let my brother take the piss and bullied me mercilessly. In the end she locked me out of the house and blocked me, leaving me with the clothes on my back. I still haven't forgiven her, after everything I did for her.

I now live in a tiny flat, but it's all mine. I answer to no one. It was months of hell struggling to move (took weeks to get any clothes from her and even my birth certificate for the letting agent!) But I did it. Withdraw. Put your foot down. No more money. Get somewhere even temporary to get away from this toxic situation until you can find somewhere more permanent. You are being used. Spare room etc have short term lets and lodgings.

Get out.

SavingSpaces2019 · 26/07/2019 15:45

This isn't the first time you've posted about your family situation and the shit they put you through.
Every time you've been told the only real option is for you to move.

Sparklfairy · 26/07/2019 15:46

PPs saying she's posted before - that was probably me

Rainonmyguitar · 26/07/2019 15:48

Sparklfairy

Are you in Ireland too?

Benjispruce · 26/07/2019 15:49

I agree with everyone else. You need to find that independence. My grandmother(incidentally also Irish) was like this with my uncle. he left home countless times and was allowed back every time he got into trouble with women, debtors, employers and didn't have to pay a penny to lift a finger. His plate was always piled high with the best of the food. My DM on the other hand had loads of chores around the house, had to pay her rent on the day she got paid and was last to be served. It's plain old fashioned sexism and your mother will never change. Move before you end up hating her.

WizardOfAus · 26/07/2019 15:50

Joining in with the “move” chorus

BrutusMcDogface · 26/07/2019 15:51

Oh dear god, move out!! At the very very least- do not pay her the 50 euros!

RB68 · 26/07/2019 15:51

a tank of oil in UK is around £500 for a standard 3 to 4 bed house used for heating and hot water only and you refill two to three times a year generally

Sparklfairy · 26/07/2019 15:52

Rainonmyguitar No but my mother is Irish!

Bananalanacake · 26/07/2019 15:53

Have you thought of working in a hotel, you could get staff accommodation.

Hefzi · 26/07/2019 15:55

Our oil tank (central heating and water) costs about £5k a year (depending on oil prices and how cold the winter is) so I can quite believe op is paying that much just for a top up.

Move, op - unless you are happy to accept picking up your brother's tab.

madcatladyforever · 26/07/2019 15:56

Why is she breeding a Cocklodger? Why don't males get to pay bills?
He is going to be an awful husband foe some poor woman.
Move out and go miles awaye. This situation is intolerable.

icannotremember · 26/07/2019 15:57

Move out! Move out move out move out. Better very basic accommodation than this surely? I'd go spare in your situation and I would revert to childhood and have constant fights with the brother.

mullyluo · 26/07/2019 15:57

She is being unreasonable for not letting you know in advance how much you will need to budget, but so are you for staying in this ridiculous situation. If you were in a flatshare and your landlord ask you to pay extra to cover someone elses rent/bills you wouldn't. I'd move even if its only to student digs.