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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mother came and asked me for more money

176 replies

SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 14:38

I work and earn a wage but no way is it a healthy wage. Rent is out of reach for me for so many places. Unless if I move miles and miles away and rent a room in student accommodation.

A mortgage is out of sight for me.

Anyways I live at home with my mother. There is also another brother (he's a different story and for another thread). Some people might think, living at home, I couldn't possibly understand what the real world is like and I must get my parents to clean and cook for me and do my laundry and pay no bills.

None of that is true. I don't expect my mother to cook or clean for me or to pay my way.

I help at home with paying for bills and other jobs.

Bill's come in and they are split down the middle. She likes to look at my brother and pity him for being male and she's refuses to take even 1 euro off him to pay his share for living at home. So that means, paying bills by half, down the middle between me and her.

It was only in recent times that I finally got through to her and I said to her - I can't afford to keep another adult on the go here indefinitely. I finally got through to her. Bills were finally going three ways. I since learned she was paying his share of the bills.

He despised his job and walked out to start on benefits and to relax for a few months before looking for work again. So bills are now back to two ways again because he doesn't have the money. (my mother wasn't taking a cent of him anyways).

Anyways we have home heating oil for the house. Mother likes to order every three months. Before she used to order 300 euros worth. Within the past year or two she started ordering 400 euros worth and sometimes the delivery man had trouble filling the tank with the amount that she requested and had to return some money.

Mother came to me at the end of May telling me that we will have to order oil again soon. We agreed to order 300 euros worth because its summer time. So I payed my half to my mother.

I was honest to god busy and it went to the back of my mind. My mother came to me this morning, while I was rushing out the door to say that she didn't order the oil yet but she will have to over the next week or so. She has now said that she wants to order 400 euros worth of oil instead of the 300 that we agreed so she wants more of my money to over the oil. She wants me to pay 50 euro more. I told her that I budgeted for 300 euro and I don't have more money. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/07/2019 15:59

Can you get a place with your partner?

MerdedeBrexit · 26/07/2019 16:15

Move. Now. Sod yer Mammy and her precious baby boy. Do not pay anything over and above what you've already paid. LEAVE NOW.

SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 16:15

I had yesterday off work. I went into town because I needed a few bits. When I came home, there wasn't any 'hello' from my mother just a sour looking face. Almost as if she was eyeing up my wage and I shouldn't have gone to town. I just got a vibe out of her. It's not the first time and usually it ends up money related from her where she silently stews for a few days as if I'm a mind reader. I didn't even have time for breakfast this morning and I was rushing out the door while she was asking for more money.

OP posts:
WalksWithDinosaurs · 26/07/2019 16:17

I'm also joining the move out chorus!!! I know shared accommodation isn't exactly the dream flat/house scenario but its got to be better than the environment that you are in now!

hope you manage to get something sorted and get a little space without having to subsidize you useless man-child of a brother!!!

LostInNorfolk · 26/07/2019 16:19

Did you post about this before?

ysmaem · 26/07/2019 16:22

Move out. She taking advantage. Move away to student accommodation and live your life.

cuppycakey · 26/07/2019 16:25

Bloody move out!!

Living with complete strangers would be preferable to this pile of shite. They are taking the piss out of you big time.

ByeByeBike · 26/07/2019 16:30

Living in the family home might save you some money every month but at what cost to your self esteem. She's treating you like this because you have no other option whilst living there. It will continue. It will get worse. It will make you bitter and resentful.

Move to a house share, studio flat, whatever but put a price on your own happiness and be willing to pay it.

Outsomnia · 26/07/2019 16:33

OP,

You still fail to mention what your partner might propose regarding a solution for you.

Why is that? Just wondered if he/she supports you (if you have spilled to him/her), and if you haven't why not? If you have, what has partner to say?

Answer the relevant questions, no need to duck them, it's anonymous.

Well you did ask for advice and comment. And many here are trying to assist you.

Haffiana · 26/07/2019 16:35

You have posted over and over about this. The same thing, over and over. The years are passing by...

I say this because I think people should know that you don't want any help and you don't want anything to change.

Whosorrynow · 26/07/2019 16:38

I can see that you enjoy fighting with your mother over this, otherwise you'd just leave and put it behind you

Rainonmyguitar · 26/07/2019 16:40

Rainonmyguitar No but my mother is Irish!

Oh I see. I was just asking because I remember the other thread, the poster was from Ireland...was just trying to work out if it was your thread I was maybe remembering but no I think it was definitely this same poster.

Outsomnia · 26/07/2019 16:42

There are none so blind as those will not see.

OP, I feel sorry for you, I think you may have been gaslighted by mother and cannot find a way out without feeling guilty. It is not as easy as just going out the door and leaving it all behind either. I get that.

Please get your partner on board. But I'm not hopeful about that approach either. But who knows. Better to seek help from someone unconnected with the situation maybe.

Where does partner live and with whom? Relevant question.

Sparklfairy · 26/07/2019 16:42

Haffiana as stated in my previous post, previous threads may not have been the OP, but me, as are situations are/were almost identical.

Regardless, some PPs seem to be totally oblivious of the absolute chokehold a financially abusive parent/child relationship can be. You feel paralysed. The overwhelming guilt of leaving, the feeling of worthlessness and that it's easier to just stay put even though you hate your life, the seemingly insurmountable task of moving, the upheaval and fallout, the belief that your money isn't your own but your mother's, how will she cope when you leave? etc etc etc

It's exhausting and debilitating. 'Move out' might be two simple words but the reality is terrifying when you have been used, bullied and belittled for so long. Some empathy instead of accusations that the OP doesn't 'want' help please.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/07/2019 16:44

What a dreadful, awful situation to come home to..
the cold shoulder punishment... because you wont jump to do what she wants you to. Seen it all before, it will only get worse and their demands and unpleasantness will only grow.
Don't jump, you are already getting the chill treatment, so why pay up, it won't change.
As everyone says you need to move. You might even meet new people living in student accomodation. DONT whatever you do discuss it with them until you have arranged to move/ or have already moved, unless you want scolding dramas trying to prevent you. If they treat you like this you dont owe them anything.

NorthEndGal · 26/07/2019 16:51

Why won't you acknowledge the idea of moving out?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 26/07/2019 16:53

OP you will be there forever if you dont move out.It is so not your responsibility to carry the family financially...Please look after you.It would be the best decision you could make.

SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 16:55

I used to rent an apartment before and I loved it there. While I was there, my mother came to me often looking for money here and there. Money to help with bills. I couldn't believe. I had two more brothers living at home at that time but they are gone. She wasn't taking money of any of them. Nor did she pay me back. Eventually, my wage took a hammering in the recession and I was facing homelessness. I am grateful for the roof that I have over my head but this isn't right, what's happening.

The straw that broke the camels back is this 'extra 50' as if I'm loaded with money and I'm not.

OP posts:
SheepGoesBaa · 26/07/2019 16:57

My partner has seen my brother being a dick quite a few times but he doesn't understand the extent of what's happening at home.

OP posts:
Outsomnia · 26/07/2019 17:03

Sheep,

Why don't you spill your situation with your partner? You are avoiding the question again. What is his living situation at the moment? Would you two be able to rent a place together?

OK I get that toxic parents can be awful. But you have a means to escape. Tell your partner. Why don't you? Please answer. I'm tired now. But I tried. Wish you well, but only you can do this for yourself at the end of the day.

OneHanded · 26/07/2019 17:05

Honestly escape. I used SpareRoom and it was so much better until i HAD to move home due to injuries. It’s been seven months and I am desperately trying to push operations, work, etc to move out again.

BlueSuffragette · 26/07/2019 17:06

Have an honest discussion with your partner about your home situation. Can you rent something together ? You mum is taking advantage of you and your brother is a useless sponger. Leave soon for your own sanity.

Mix56 · 26/07/2019 17:09

Move.

ArgyMargy · 26/07/2019 17:10

What exactly are you looking for in this thread? Just move out and try being an adult.

gamerchick · 26/07/2019 17:15

Looks like it's a clear choice OP. Either stay and put up with it or move out.

Nothing will change otherwise.