My mother came and asked me for more money

[SheepGoesBaa]

I work and earn a wage but no way is it a healthy wage. Rent is out of reach for me for so many places. Unless if I move miles and miles away and rent a room in student accommodation.

A mortgage is out of sight for me.

Anyways I live at home with my mother. There is also another brother (he's a different story and for another thread). Some people might think, living at home, I couldn't possibly understand what the real world is like and I must get my parents to clean and cook for me and do my laundry and pay no bills.

None of that is true. I don't expect my mother to cook or clean for me or to pay my way.

I help at home with paying for bills and other jobs.

Bill's come in and they are split down the middle. She likes to look at my brother and pity him for being male and she's refuses to take even 1 euro off him to pay his share for living at home. So that means, paying bills by half, down the middle between me and her.

It was only in recent times that I finally got through to her and I said to her - I can't afford to keep another adult on the go here indefinitely. I finally got through to her. Bills were finally going three ways. I since learned she was paying his share of the bills.

He despised his job and walked out to start on benefits and to relax for a few months before looking for work again. So bills are now back to two ways again because he doesn't have the money. (my mother wasn't taking a cent of him anyways).

Anyways we have home heating oil for the house. Mother likes to order every three months. Before she used to order 300 euros worth. Within the past year or two she started ordering 400 euros worth and sometimes the delivery man had trouble filling the tank with the amount that she requested and had to return some money.

Mother came to me at the end of May telling me that we will have to order oil again soon. We agreed to order 300 euros worth because its summer time. So I payed my half to my mother.

I was honest to god busy and it went to the back of my mind. My mother came to me this morning, while I was rushing out the door to say that she didn't order the oil yet but she will have to over the next week or so. She has now said that she wants to order 400 euros worth of oil instead of the 300 that we agreed so she wants more of my money to over the oil. She wants me to pay 50 euro more. I told her that I budgeted for 300 euro and I don't have more money. Am I being unreasonable here?

FraulienF,

The picture you painted is grim.

That is on my mind lately. My parents are going through a divorce and it's likely the family home will be signed over to her from my father. I did so much repairs and maintenance in the past and even today, I'm still helping with so much. Given how my mother has been and she will never change, any will she makes she will probably leave the family home to my brother, which is a real kick in the teeth.

If house is rented then all you will inherit is a useless brother to cook and clean for and all of the house expenses!

I understand that the housing situation is dire in Ireland but could you at least find a houshare/bedsit - it would be better than living with those 2!

Do you pay rent or just bills?
Ireland's minimum wage is €9.8 per hour. If you work a regular 38 hour week that should be enough to pay rent and bills in a shared house.
You could get a second evening job a couple of nights a week to supplement your wage.

Beautiful3,

I finally got through to my mother back in April of this year and I said to her, I can't afford to keep another adult going. Here's 1/3 of the bill. The end.

Instead of asking for his contribution, she paid it for him.

Where does your partner live. At home I suspect. No help there. And that house is in his name too.. hmm, no room for you there either. That is unreal.

Any chance that the annex could become free for both of you?

You are looking at problems not solutions.

Am tired now listening to all this shite TBH honest. There are solutions, you just don't want to leave Mammy the controller do you?

Bedsits were banned/outlawed in Ireland.

I didn’t know that sheep

So you are a childminder. What about getting a job as a live-in Nanny?

You could get work anywhere in the world surely?

you're always using the same excuses as to why you can't move out!
The rest of us manage to live despite renting poxy rooms and having a tight budget.
What makes you so special that you shouldn't 'have' to do the same?
You would rather remain in a shitty, abusive situation where you're constantly having the piss taken out of you rather than have your own space?

As for Disposable income for dating would be very very limited.
So? Stay in more often, do free stuff.
Most places allow you to have partners stay over once or twice a week, plus he still lives at home so there's that space too.
If you want to spend near enough every night together then get a place together.
Just because his name is on the family home doesn't mean he has to stay living there - surely his parents pay their own way?

Your choice is either grow up and take responsibility for your life before it's too late or stop whingeing.

There's no mortgage or rent on the family home. So it's just bills.

My current work situation is shit. I'm a childminder (but I hope to leave soon) and honestly there's no room for a second/evening/weekend job.

Hi OP. The situation with your man and brother sounds toxic and unbearable. It's horrible for you to have to have to deal with. I think if you don't leave home soon your relationship with your family may be irreparably damaged, through no fault of your own though.

Did you have a look on rent.ie? You can find other people on there that are looking for flat mates so if you found two looking for a house share you might get a 3 bed between you for 1500 euro a month. I think daft also have a flat mate finder thing if you register for a daft account

You`ll be like my cousin Mary, looked after mam till her last breath, her brother Sean inherited everything. Luckily she had a good job so was able to rent after that.

Sean had already landed on his feet finding Bridget a university educated girl who fell for him, they went to England started managing bars, pubs. Eventually buying their own, in the meantime she had four children, Sean wanted another but hospital said it would kill her. Bridget took her eye away from the business, Sean then became his own best customer, the police were called a few times because of him and his mates, the licence was under threat, Bridget had to kick him out prove that she could run the place without him. So now she raises the children, runs a restaurant pub while he flitters around and takes long holidays in Thailand etc. with his mates.

Ask Sean about his mammy and his eyes will fill with tears and he will tell you she was the best mammy in the world and knew how to look after him.

Does anything here make you think OP

OP could you look for a child minder job where you live with the family? As another poster said, try to focus on solutions rather than dwelling on the problems too much

Just rent a room in a house share. That's how we all used to start out. We made friends, we had fun, we argued about bills etc and learnt a lot. If you can't cope with a room in a houseshare then find a bedsit. It's a short term solution.

Get out of your mother's shadow. If your partner can't cope with you living in a house share then maybe he can suggest a solution or help. Whatever it takes, get out.

I'm getting out from childminding altogether. I would rather go back and do hotel work and that was suggested earlier in this thread - staff accommodation. That's on my cards.

Op you are really not here for the advice, are you? Just a moan. Which is understandable, actually more than understandable, but make it clear next time so people don't spend time advising someone who doesn't really want it.
But mona away. It helps

Could you leave Ireland do you think?

Again OP what's your partner's situation & can you live with them? Its always cheaper when sharing.

The rents you quote sound high, can you look at cheaper areas & commute in etc? There's usually demand for childcare everywhere including towns etc (rather than biggest cities) where rents are lower.

Just say No! You are sharing a house with 2 others do will only be paying a third of the bills. She needs you more than you need her! Just remember that.

FFS, no wonder you don't want to move out. Both your brother and you need to move out!
If you aren't making enough in childminding you are obviously not qualified.
Honestly you sound lazy!

From my budget, all I would get is a single room in a house share. A single bed in a box room for about 4-500 euro a month, not including bills. That would probably spell the end of my relationship with my partner because of stay overs.

So do that. If your partner is worth keeping they'll see this through. If they're not they will go. The important thing is you will be clear of this toxic dynamic and will then be able to think clearly. You're stuck, OP. I understand this. I've been in horrible situations when I couldn't see a way out. And from that I'll give you this piece of advice - stop looking and just take a leap. You'll land and you'll find a way to thrive. But don't stay where you are. It will not change and will slowly kill you.

I wasn't looking for a moan.

My mother was looking for extra money from me for a bill. We agreed 300. I budgeted for my half. She has now changed her mind and want to go up to 400 euro and she wants more money out from me. She a tone with me as well as if I'm supposed to be a mind reader and have an ATM built under my pillow. I told mam we said 300 and I paid my bit and I don't have another 50 to spare or to pay. Then the original post delved into sexist treatment.

So what if she pays his 1/3 share, that's her decision. You give your third, an agreed amount, and don't give extra.

Even if moving out meant rent is slightly higher it would be offset by the decrease in heating somewhere not oil powered!

I also read your previous threads years ago, yet you're still there, still not doing anything about the situation.

Why are you letting everybody take the piss out of you OP? Your mum in wringing money out of you, your employer is working you for 90 hours a week for less than minimum wage and you're somehow struggling for money despite only paying half the bills of a house (no rent).

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Move out, even if you have to move far away, or abroad, or working on a cruise ship or something. You can do childcare anywhere in the world. Find a job that doesn't work you illegally. Block your mum if she comes asking for money after that. Break the weird codependency you have with her. Take steps, any steps, to sort your life out. Nothing is going to change if you don't change.

I would love to leave Ireland. If it wasn't for brexit, I would be eyeing up Scotland. I'm not too sure about further afield like Australia. It would be too hot there and I'm not good in heat.