Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

Some behaviour is worthy of swearing. Can’t take it, don’t behave in a way that warrants it. Some of the behaviour mentioned here is deserving of much more than an ODFOD, but i reserved that for you calling me bitter because I have no help, which is just a really nasty thing to say.

I think YANBU, mostly, having been in a similar situation. I gave my DSis a load of help when her DC were young and family holidays were centred entirely on their needs. I didn't do it in the expectation of future returns but because it was the right thing to do and she was exhausted! When I then had a DC, although DSis would/will occasionally lend a hand, she constantly moaned about making the same sorts of adjustments I'd made for hers (stuff like allowing for naps, bedtimes, choice of activities, needing a buggy). I thought it was really selfish AND she still expected us to make adjustments for her now older DC like creeping round all evening as she won't shut their bedroom doors. And one day I organised for us to go to a historical site that was of particular interest to me but didn't get to see it as no-one would take the toddler outside. DH did get a bollocking about that one!

What's worked better for us is holidaying just with GP (who are sometimes up for an hour of late afternoon entertainment - I find 4pm's the worst time when you've been up since dawn), holidaying with friends with similarly aged DC (allocating a night out each and babysitting swap up front) and tag teaming with DH (if he's been up in the night, he gets the lie in etc).

Where is your DP in all this? Does he pull his weight? My BILs do, but if they didn't, I might not rush to come forward.

Anyway, forgive but don't forget - that's my advice.

You could have just ASKED.
So this is your own 'fault'...
And re non buggy friendly: you could have used a babycarrier
Tada problem solved

Good for you. Some kids won’t lie down in your bed, my two won’t - if they’re awake, they’re awake. Bringing them into bed won’t work at all, and it has nothing to do with co-sleeping.

She won't even try. Choices have consequences, her choice against co-sleeping means that people are reluctant to offer to babysit. If she needs someone, yes. But I don't routinely offer like I would if a 5am start wasn't on the cards.

And if this were me, I’d happily get up at 5am once if someone I cared about was having to do it every single day and needed a break.

I'm explaining why my sister doesn't benefit from the overnight help that other relatives do. In our culture, we spend the first six weeks looking after postnatal women and family support is central to how we raise children. This isnt about doing something once. It's about routinely offering or even telling a close loved one that they need a break so bring their kid(s) to you for the weekend. That's a norm for us. We don't try and all prove ourselves to be solo ships in the night. You wont see our women crying because their in laws popped over for a day and demanded she cook for them.

Bollocks. I don’t believe any pregnant woman is unaware that they’ll be up before 7 every day. I wish my days began at 7!

She thought she could feed the baby back to sleep and get up around 10ish. She was told they feed 3hrly and sleep for the first couple of months at least.

I wonder if the restless nights have had an impact on the others' sleep and they feel the need to vacate so you can all catch up. Teens usually lie in. How have mealtimes been managed, presumably your dc typically eat earlier?

To be fair my twins did do for for the first few months - we’d get up for the day about 9am, we would all go back to sleep after feeding around 7am. That was about the only reliable block of sleep I had... until they were four months and we’ve never had a consistent daily block of sleep since!

SinkGirl
you don't get to decide what is right or wrong for other families, you are very unreasonable and very rude.

If you want to offer to babysit for the OP, by all means, go for it, but you don't get to decide what other people should and should not do - especially when you know nothing of the family dynamic anyway.

If you don't want to come across as so bitter, tone it down a bit

I don't think you should let rip at this time; it won't do any good at this stage, and if your family are not genuinely interested in your children (or perhaps children in general), they won't be good babysitters. Just don't go on holiday with them again.

The thing about holidays with young kids is it’s not a holiday, just carting the same old lot of shit to a different place that’s not even set up for it. Always perplexed by expectations anyone with young kids would have a semi-decent holiday let alone a good one.

If the family outing is something you have always wanted to do then go and leave the kids with your DH and then owe him one when you get home. If you were at home and at work for the day DH would be looking after both by himself so no different. Then leave the holidays until they are older and it’s not all as hellish.

We couldn't afford holidays until our eldest was 12 and I really think it was a good thing. We did days out to parks and free stuff, always coming home to our own house. I think it was less stressful.
Little children don't really adapt well to holiday accommodation and change of routine.
I am sorry you have had a stressful time OP.

I'm so sorry you've had a rotten holiday. I think it's been made worse by seeing other people enjoying themselves and you not being able to. I don't think it's realistic to expect everyone to pitch in and help with your DC if it wasn't agreed beforehand. It's everybody's holiday after all.

I think the group is too big. You've got lost in the numbers. Next time do it on your own.

Sinkgirl is using that time honoured tradition of shaming to try to get others to conform to her thinking. If you don’t think like Sinkgirl you are therefore decreed automatically “selfish”.

Personally I am immune to it because my own mother was the world’s leading expert on shaming for conformity.

I think it’s one of those things, where when you don’t have children, others peoples babies are fun, because you don’t see the hard work. Once you’ve had your own, and you are now parenting pre-teens, and teens, you can now do all the things you couldn’t when your own were small. Therefore you don’t want to be looking after someone else’s babies, and again still not doing what you want.

We recently went away with family, 28 of us, and 6 under the age of 5. I will admit we didn’t do anything together during the day because our wants and needs were different, and in the night we would head out for meals, as the parents stayed in with the little ones. But also these are little ones who if their parent is out of sight for more than 10 seconds starts crying- it’s hard work trying to do something with them for 5 minutes, never mind a whole evening!

Not sure I'd let rio, but if asked if I'd had a good holiday I'd certainly say 'no, not really'. If they pushed for a why, I'd simply explain that you've felt excluded from all the family trips, not been invited and had no help at all. And whilst you appreciate it's my kids and my responsibility to look after them, you'd have appreciated some of the favours returned from when you'd looked after your nieces and nephews. And then leave it there. I'd not be going on any more family holidays or offering help in the near future

The way I see it is that if you'd gone on holiday without your extended family you'd not have benefited from any free childcare at all. This is the reason we didn't start going on holidays abroad until our youngest was 4 - same shit, different place essentially. Your siblings have paid good money for a break.

Sinkgirl is using that time honoured tradition of shaming to try to get others to conform to her thinking. If you don’t think like Sinkgirl you are therefore decreed automatically “selfish”

Give over. Several posters here are literally describing themselves being selfish - it’s not shaming, it’s a description.

If you can’t put yourself out a bit to help someone you care about who’s on their knees and at the end of their rope, you are selfish. Helping someone out when it’s of no consequence to you isn’t benevolence.

I’m just stunned that so many people are willing to admit that they won’t put themselves out for loved ones. It’s bizarre.

I made it v clear before we went away that I was cashing in my chips.

I was a bit sympathetic until you said this. Did they actually agree to help then? If not, then perhaps you are asking for more than they expected. If you're giving off a vibe of entitlement, then maybe you're rubbing them up the wrong way, and making it harder for them to help. It may feel a bit rough for you, but they are on holiday too.

I think the crux of this problem really relates to communication before hand. We travel with family but as we all have kids of different ages it's always understood before we go that we will probably be off doing our own thing during the day. We meet up in the evening then for dinner.
Sometime if the activity suits then we fall in and sometimes we don't.
Everyone in our family works full time so as holidays are particular precious to us. We understand that people want to make the most of it with their kids and do their preferred activities for the duration.
I think op you maybe had a different idea on this to the rest of your family. I can sense your disappointment but I honestly wouldn't take it personally. I doubt very much it was meant to be.

Leave them to it. It's not their responsibility to look after your children or give you a break.
Don't get me wrong, it would be nice for them to have offered but it sounds like they have offered to help to the extent that they're comfortable with and it is their holiday as well.
Realise i may be in the minority but i don't think its fair to expect childcare favours, even from family, either at home or on holiday. You can ask, set up an agreement, accept offers, but i think when you start to expect anyone to cover you without those agreements, you're being unreasonable.
You have helped in the past but that was your choice. If you had expected those favours to be returned, that should have been agreed.
At the end of the day they're your kids and your responsibility.

Everyone in our family works full time so as holidays are particular precious to us. We understand that people want to make the most of it with their kids and do their preferred activities for the duration.

We would fall into this category too. Holidays are a time where we focus on our family and children. We are lucky that the other members of the family we travel with see it the same and the kids ages match well.

Monkey Expecting your family to do activities suitable for all isn't asking too much and the OP has babysat and helped on other family holidays with their children not the fictional narrative as you are describing

You’re BU expecting help, but I would let rip about the unsuitable day trip that’s been booked - that doesn’t include you - in the last day

Monkey Expecting your family to do activities suitable for all isn't asking too much

It can be though, young children have naps, can’t go on a lot at adventure parks, aren’t safe on small boat trips etc, etc. There are literally tonnes of limitations of having small children on holidays. We’ve experienced them all through the years and now when the kids are older these are the sort of things they want to experience.

That sounds a bit shitty of them really. Looks like they're of the mindset that they've done the baby / toddler days and not intending to go back, but not a very good deal for you if you've been there to help them in those times. I'm from a similarly big family set up, always tough to meet everyone's expectations, but what's the point of going on a 'family holiday' and then not including one whole set for the whole trip and sodding off en masse on the last day?!

Doesn’t sound like a family holiday if you’re going nowhere together. My parents would babysit - wouldn’t expect others with their own kids to do so. You do need to sort out dividing and ruling though - there is no need for both parents to be up with children. And if your kids are up all night every night (and you aren’t willing to roll with that, as I wouldn’t be) then it sounds like you need to introduce some proper boundaries and sleep routines. Holiday ishtbthe place for that. I had mine on a gro clock with rule aboit not getting up before the sun comes up at 7 from before they were 2. It can be done but you need to be in control and prepared to follow through.