Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

Agree that finding an activity that suits teenagers and toddlers is practically impossible. I'm from the school that on holidays where possible people should be able to do what they wish to rather than accommodate toddlers without causing upset . It is their holiday too after all.

have you asked them? How can they know unless you ask? If i go on holiday which I have been saving up and planning for all year - I am going to be thinking of my own time. If someone said to me on a holiday - would you mind watching my child so I can do something - I would do it once or twice for sure. You have to ask

I wouldn't expect anyone to babysit or care for my children on a group trip, but it's awful that they are organising things and just leaving you out completely. Hardly a family holiday is it?

Quietly withdraw and avoid this type of holiday afterwards. Speak to them all when you get back about arranging activities that you guys couldn't participate in and how that felt hurtful. Re help, it would be nice if they had offered but they haven't so I would let that go ( your kids are your own responsibility).

My bill and sil expected everyone to bend backwards when their son was little and it dominated all of our plans, now we have young children and nephew is older they have forgotten it all. I would just go on family friendly holidays that suit the needs of your children not anyone else's from now on. Yanbu, I can see why you would be upset.

I wouldn't let it rip. It's your last day, just look forward to going home. I ve been away with two children under 5, its hard work without support. But its everyones holiday not just yours. They looked after your children for one evening, which was nice. As they gave up an evening of their holiday. You cant expect more help, but you can explain that you feel upset to be excluded from a day trip.

Hardly a family holiday is it?

But I think that depends on your expectations . We travel together but do our own thing during the day as our kids are at different stages and instead tend to meet up for breakfast and dinner..
Family holiday doesn't have mean joined at the hip imo.

"I made it v clear before we went away that I was cashing in my chips."

What??

If you had gone on the trip today-why would you have been "hefting" a 20 month old?

Wouldn't the kids have stayed with their dad?

@crazycatlady but then what's the point ?? Just go on your own

The rule is simple, when you're done with little kids, you ’graduate’ from all the crap that comes with it. You do deal with different crap though with your older kids. The last thing you want is dealing with older kids' crap and little ones.

After years of bring up at 5am with mine, I got used to bring up early even on holiday but did so to have some quiet me time before my kids got up and the demands started. My sister saw it that as I was up, she could leave her 4months old with me and go back to sleep. I made it clear after day 2 that I wasn't there to take over her role and didn't want it anymore than she did. She got upset but that was tough.

I think it's reasonable to expect some help, but it's also reasonable for your family to let you ask for it if/when you need it.

If you asked and they said no, then they sound like jerks. Asking family to occasionally mind their nephews/grandkids for a couple of hours isn't a huge imposition.

I wasn't offered help when I was on vacation with family a couple of weeks ago, but if I asked they did what I needed. They never said no ; I on the other hand made sure to ask only when I really needed help, and not take advantage. I think it's a normal thing to do and it's not entitled at all to expect it.

My siblings don't have kids but I know my brother wants to have some in the near future, and when/if it happens I'll do my best to reciprocate.

That said OP I think you needed to ask explicitly for what you needed, and it would have been better to say something earlier rather than seethe in silence.

In your shoes I wouldn't go on another such vacation until your kids are much older.

To be clear I was not expecting the cousins to look after mine at the beach, I kind of expected that we would all go together at least once, but the other families went off and did that without us, on the only beach not suitable for small kids, twice.

I appreciate that different families at different stages will have different needs, but the lack of support coupled with not being included in anything actually hurts and repeats a family pattern of me and my needs always coming last. Seeing this extend to my children is pretty sucky.

I think in the long run kicking off will be detrimental but I wouldn't consider this type of holiday with them again. You live and learn. Sometimes friends are better than family

Looks like they made it pretty clear they are well and truly our of baby stages then op. With you being the youngest sounds like a pattern that your parents sets if they didn’t want to do the younger things with you as they had done it all with the older ones.

What made the beach not safe anyway?

@Belleende you are adding to your own misery here. By not standing up for yourself. They will not be aware of what you are thinking unless you say it to them. They prpbably have no idea what you are thinking. So your inability to ask is adding to this scenario

Sadly nowadays there’s a lot of people with “I’m alright Jack” attitude.

Decent thing to do would be to reciprocate the kindness you’ve experienced yourself as “you get what you give” but it’s conveniently forgotten.

OP has no right to expect the others family members to look after her kids but it would be nice to be offered?

OP, why did you pick up your DNs from the airport? Where were the rest of the adults?

I’ve just read the OP, has anybody did it as well? OP wasn’t invited to ANY group activities and offered time off only AFTER sh’s put her kids to bed.

Would that be really so hard to take the kids off OP for a couple of hours a day to give her a chance to rest?

Selfish,selfish,selfish and inconsiderate as fuck family you have OP. Stop offering ANYTHING in the future.

but the other families went off and did that without us, on the only beach not suitable for small kids, twice.

Why was the beach unsuitable?

I'm also wondering why you are complaining about being left out of the trip today due to it being unsuitable for young children yet also saying it's very hot and you are suffering from the heat, feeling faint etc - so would you have even been able to go on the trip anyway?

It seems like you are just disappointed with the holiday - the children haven't slept, you're tired, it's hot - and you are blaming your travel companions for the fact that you haven't enjoyed yourself when in all likelihood it's just the reality of holidaying with small children.

For years our holidays centred around the kids - early nights, early mornings, awful children's entertainment because they loved it, days and days of swimming pools and beaches rather than sightseeing because that's what they wanted. That's the reality of holidaying with little children surely - you really don't get to do what you want until they are older.

I appreciate that different families at different stages will have different needs, but the lack of support coupled with not being included in anything actually hurts and repeats a family pattern of me and my needs always coming last. Seeing this extend to my children is pretty sucky.

So why are you surprised?
Why did you go on holiday with them?

I appreciate how you feel OP but I guarentee 90% of younger/older siblings have felt this at some point!

My DB is nearly 8 years younger than me! Throughout our childhood I (despite loving him dearly) got really annoyed and frustrated as was constantly held back/slowed down to his level!
I remember really resenting it at points but he was never the wiser!

As adults though I get to do everything first, graduation, wedding, children...etc and he did comment the other day how ‘by the time he gets around to it our parents will be much older and my family will be all grown up!’

Now I hope I wouldn’t treat DB like you’ve been treated but I’d also be consious on a ‘family holiday’ or holding my own kids back for the sake of their cousins- it’s hard enough being held back by their own siblings!

For example - if I had 16-14-12 kids and DB had 2-4 I would OFC expect to go to the beach as a family at least one day but I certainly wouldn’t expect the spend the majority of the holiday holding them back to the capabilities of a 2-4 year old.

Having teenagers means making those final family memories before they disappear off to uni and on to their own life. Plus it may be the only holiday they have this year

If this is a family pattern I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with them again, and I am not sure why you went on holiday with them in the first place.

If you believe that you and your needs have always come last in your family, why on earth did you want to go on holiday with them? Genuinely confused.

How is a certain beach unsuitable for little kids? ! (Vs another beach that is suitable?)

i also wanna add that at this stage (young kids ) a "holiday" is never a "holiday "
it is mainly doing the same shit that you do at home. At another place. Combined with more exhausted kids because the change of scenery /bed/country

The beach they went to shelves steeply and had no Life guards and occasional very big waves. It is the only beach of about 10 that does this. We went there on the first day and learned from our mistake.

Undoubtedly, part of my feelings are also routed in the reality of holidays with little kids generally being same shit different place and I need to be very careful not to take this frustration out on my family.

Op I think tiredness is clouding your judgement here.
Your niece and nephew should not be expected to babysit so you can go for a mooch during the day. It is their holiday as well.
Also why can't your dh carry the baby in a sling?
If you are feeling faint due to the heat then it sounds like you would not of been up to the day trip anyway

How are all these activities/beach trips being decided though? Are you just waking up to find them gone?

And could you and your DH not take it in turn to nap so that you catch up on sleep?

You do sound slightly passive in this - on family holidays we usually agree over dinner what we want to do the next day. Has there not been any communication?

So you’re just going to sulk and not say anything? Stop victimising yourself