Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

Can't imagine wanting to boink on 2-4 hours of sleep night after night. But well, you can have sex at night, too! Still not getting why you didn't just alternate the lie ins, particularly as you think a teenager on his/her own was fine to manage the two kids it took both you and your DP operating full-time to look after.

Honestly, we've had suggestions from friends with children this age to go on holiday together and I say NO because I know they have expectations like yours and I don't go on holiday to mind babies and small children. I've already done that, I hated it, not going to do it again.

I think you expected to have childcare on tap willingly available and offered so you could have a 'DP' and you holiday from your kids and tbh, that's just never going to happen unless you buy in professional help or use an AI or cruise that has a kids club (and even then, you have to pay for those usually if you have babies who are not potty trained and they close at 10pm unless you pay extra).

If your dh had supervised the children instead of the teenagers, you could have caught up on sleep and then switched with him so that he could sleep and the pair of you could have had a shag when kids were asleep.

You're telling us on one hand that the set up was so difficult that it took both of you to watch two children and on the other hand, the teenagers could have done it. Something doesn't add up here.

Maybe you should have just told your siblings you were gagging for a shag and could they watch your kids for 40 minutes or so?

I’m sorry but agree with the critical people here. The ‘teenagers’ were on holiday themselves. Totally different to wanting to babysit for a bit of cash back home (also think teens babysitting works for 3 or maybe 4 years plus but certainly not 20 mth olds. No way I’d leave a kid that age with people who are children themselves unless it was for 5 mins). You also said it was nightmare for two full grown adults to manage the children but think it’s safe for them to.

I do have sympathy as your holiday seemed a bit disastrous infer from what’s been said it was ill planned - innocently or not. Write it off. You’re coming across as very bitter here especially with regard to the teens i.e children. Blame your sister if you have to but your attitude towards these kids means most people on here are just going to think you totally are unreasonable.

A clarification. My expectation was that the teen would have my two in the front room with screens/TV, not on the loose. Entirely manageable and safe for a 16 year old. A lie in isn't worth my kids safety.

So you didn't always need 1:1 with the children then? So why not do this at other times in the day and catch up on some sleep? Honestly if you weren't taking these kinds of measures I really don't know how you expect your family to know you weren't coping. And if you're awake enough to want sex I think maybe you weren't as sleep deprived as you think! (personally I would never really fancy sex if I was at the feeling nauseous stage of tiredness, but maybe that's just me!)

I also hadn't factored in that at the villa looking after them was a 2 person job at all times.

We had DS aged 6 and then twins. I bf them except for one bottle of formula at tea time, as I was too tired and had no milk then - one for 10 months and the other for 16 months. At weekends and holidays, I looked after one and DH the other apart from bf, while we shared DS between us! I considered it bliss to have two of us to look after each twin 1:1, plus DS! If I had a bad night bf them on holiday, DH let me lie in while he got breakfast for them and DS! Our families lived 6 hours away, so we usually paid for babysitters!

However, by the time they were 8 - 10, and we could enjoy holidays again, there is no way DH having worked at full pelt all year, or I would want to look after other people’s babies or toddlers on our holiday, the one time of the year our children could have quality time with both their parents - having done the hard yards for years! It took DH two weeks to relax himself, with our own three to look after!

I have a toddler and 2 teens. They love their little sister but I wouldn’t ask them to babysit in the morning. I’ve also done several family holidays and I’ve never had anyone look after our kids apart from one quick meal out if we’re lucky. BUT I wouldn’t have said we were struggling. We’d have ended up with the kids in our bed to get them to sleep if they didn’t like the travel cot. Or they have nap and go to bed late and stay asleep longer. I think it comes down to your lack of sleep really and unfortunately no one else can sort that for you.

Good grief, why is the OP getting a hard time here? She went on holiday with FOUR adult family members. It sounds like the needs of her little part of the family, and her elderly parents, weren't considered at all. It sounds really really thoughtless. And yes, I don't think it's crazy to expect a little bit of babysitting when you have little children and clearly need a bit of a break -- especially if you've previously babysat as a favour for those people when they had young children!

And regardless of whether the teenagers wanted to babysit for extra cash they were asked, they didn't, that was fine I think this is really about the adults and the lack of support they gave the OP, which especially hurt because she had given them support when they were in a similar situation.

So this isn't about helping out with lack of sleep then, because if that was the case why didn't you and your dh take it in turns to take the kids in the living room for screen time while the other got some sleep. The thing is, when you have young kids the things you took for granted like like ins, holiday sex whenever you feel like it, drunken nights out, leisurely afternoons exploring, they are all out of the window. It seems like you expected your sister to facilitate all this which is out of order and it's totally unreasonable to get upset about it when she is holidaying with her own kids. Holidays with young kids are different. We've all been through it. Don't expect others, who have already been through it themselves to pick up the slack for you and your dh.

Drip drip drip.

Sorry but morning sex has to happen before the children wake up.

Motherofdragonite- I think the OP sis only getting a bit of a hard time here because she keeps on trying to find ‘reasons’ why the other adults and teenagers were at fault.

If the two kids would have happily sat in front of a screen for 2 hours then why didn’t she and her dp do that with them periodically to enable the other to catch up on sleep?

If they were desperate to have sex while on holiday, why not do it late evening? OP has already said the pattern was for the kids to sleep until around midnight and then wake up multiple times

If she was desperate to visit this place she mentioned, but not prepared for either herself or her dp to use a backpack carrier for the toddler, then why not leave the toddler with dp and go with the 4 year old?

And the biggest question of all: if you feel your needs are always overlooked and no one in your family supports you, why be proactive in organising and booking a family holiday, even baiting family beforehand by telling them you’re going to behave ‘disgracefully’ and that you’ll cash in your babysitting chips?

The OP is only getting a hard time

Exactly, Mont. Also don't want to do any toddler or baby friendly activities on holiday as it will be mobbed with tots so that's my idea of hell these days! In hot climates mine like to do a lot of water sport and are strong swimmers so we plan accordingly. Hence, we say no to holidays with other families who have children that age if suggested. Just, 'That's nice of you to think of us but we prefer to holiday on our own/prefer cruising with water sport excursions/prefer to holiday without young children these days so it's a no from us.' I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than babysit any children under school age.

I think that it’s difficult all round and as you have found out, a beach holiday abroad with a 20 month old is not actually a holiday for anyone.

That said, the fact that a teen refused £20 to babysit for 2 hours illustrates what a bloody task it is to babysit kids of that age. Tbh mine are similar ages and help with younger cousins sometimes and it basically destroys their enjoyment of whatever’s going on as it’s so gruelling. Mine end up exhausted. Cousins have a great time (1/2:3yo). Also parents of the older ones probably just can’t take anymore, having got through that stage and onto different problems. It isn’t relaxing when they are older, just a different kind of work/worry.

Yanbu but it’s all too much for everyone and I just wouldn’t go again.

Yabu. You need to clarify your expect ions prior to going on holidays.

I've come the the conclusion that holidays with young dc are over rated. Unless you pay for high quality crèche and nannies I wouldn't bother going.

But even then I would probably just stay home, packing all their things, dealing with unusual sleeping arrangement are not my idea of a relaxing holiday. Stay home, take time off work, get a babysitter and have some fun near your home.

I also don't want to babysit children once my own dc are grown. I may change my mind when I'm a grandparent but I know I wont for at least a few years. My own dc are primary school aged .

I used to babysit younger family relatives when I was a young teen- early 20s, when I had the energy but I would have never got up early and it would have only been for a couple of hours.

I've been in exactly your shoes, a few years ago - same age kids too, but my kids were decent sleepers (that's not helpful, but it makes a massive difference if you are exhausted, which you are). I'd tag team with DH if I needed a rest. Nobody had my kids for us, BUT we stuck together as a group and there were many pairs eyes on them - people would just chip in and play with them, rather than taking them off our hands completely. I know they would have if we'd have asked them to though.

No chance of holiday sex though, didn't imagine for one second there would be.

It is the absolute pits when you are knackered. I think I'd have had to say something, if I felt we were being ditched. You should talk to your sister, if you think it would help - don't let it fester.

The first few let rip posts made me want to agree but then I reread your post and read some different povs and I realised I rarely offer to help people with younger kids anymore. It's terrible but as someone said when your kids are finally old enough to not be 100 percent reliant and you're so wrecked you become a bit selfish and also want to grab special moments with your kids as you don't get quite as many. If someone asked me, I'd jump in and also offeragain and again but otherwise I think kids make you th ast bit more selfish and you don't think of people in different situations and you just kind of let people with babies off to get on with it. Also I know I get extra selfish on holidays as I feel I want to get everything in and justify the cost and see everyone. Basically I'm saying people are selfish and it's not fair but they need a holiday too and they're just not thinking.

I don’t see most of the behaviour you describe as selfish stayathomer.

As you say, once the kids get older, you have to grab opportunities with them because there won’t be so many of those golden moments when they’re more independent. In fact, being on holiday might be the only time a lot of teenagers spend having days out with their parents, sharing family meals, chatting and just chilling. I don’t see it as selfish to do that.... it’s being a good parent.

Neither is it selfish for parents to naturally move into a new phase once their children are a little older. Caring for babies and toddlers can be a grind lets be honest. They demand constant attention and are wholly reliant on you. It’s quite natural to not want to go back to that once your own kids have grown up a bit.

Many people who are happy to babysit for a few hours when they’re child free really don’t want to once they have kids of their own.

And I completely agree with the point about everyone investing a lot in a holiday... it’s a break from the daily routine and possibly the only getaway some people will get all year so understandably they want to spend it doing things which their own kids will enjoy, not being constrained by toddlers and babies.

Exactly Gato totally agree. My lovely sister had 3 pre schoolers when ours were 8 and 10 no way on Gods earth would we spend our summer holiday with them and we adore them.

People are being HORRIBLE to the op on this thread. It's like you deliberately want to pick holes in her story so you can turn the blame on her?!
When I read her updates I see a normal individual with normal expectations.
I would close your thread op. And never go on a holiday with your family again.

No one needs to pick holes in the OPs story. There are plenty of inconsistencies already.

I don’t care if the OP’s story is completely fabricated. The depressing thing about this thread is the enormous number of mean spirited people who see no reason why family members should help and support each other. And who don’t think teenagers should do their bit to help out on holiday, or presumably at any other time. Just so depressing.

And who don’t think teenagers should do their bit to help out on holiday, or presumably at any other time. Just so depressing.

I absolutely think teens should do their bit to help out. Insisting they get up at 7am on holiday so that their aunt can have a shag does not fall into that category.

Oh, well, be depressed then. They did 'help out' just not the way the OP wanted, and no, I don't see forcing my teens to babysit toddlers and babies on holiday as 'doing their bit to help out' - my teen doesn't like children and doesn't want any kids herself (my son would never be able to babysit anyhow as he has SN) so she'd not be someone you wanted looking after young kids anyhow. Sounds like the family did help out but they didn't provide on tap complete childcare so the OP could have couple and shag time with her partner. Well, most people don't save up and go on holiday to babysit other peoples' kids a lot so I sort of see their point. Again, we avoid hols with people who have young kids, including family, simply because it's not going to suit as we want to pursue activities that are not young child friendly and wouldn't want to spend time babysitting.