Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

I think @SinkGirl is referring to me saying I’d commiserate verbally (sarcastically) with my unhelpful BIL and SILs when they have their own small kids to run around after.

To clarify...I wouldn’t actually make snide comments at them. But at the same time, I wouldn’t be physically helping out when 2 able parents are doing the normal role of parenting. It’s bloody exhausting looking after babies and toddlers and DH and I have done it for many years whilst our then childless relatives kicked back and enjoyed their hot meals. I’ve actually cried from tiredness and even had exhausted hallucinations, I think. But coming out the other side, you realise that you do survive. So I have no compunction letting them get on with rearing their own children.

I do agree it’s unfair for the OP though, as it does sound like she was an engaged and helpful auntie. It’s a shame they haven’t remembered that kindness or reciprocated.

OP - I completely understand and you're not alone, it can be very one sided.

I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and 6 month old. My sister has two children in their mid/late teens. I was in my 20's when my sister had her children and I spent many days taking them on days out, would take them shopping for Christmas/birthdays etc, often bought them new clothes, gave my nieces money to take on holiday each year etc. Fast forward to now and my sister has zero interest in my children, never sees them, never asks about them, doesn't bother with birthdays gifts for them, in fact she's never met my youngest despite living just 30 mins away.

@Butterflyone1 it reads that way but I don't think it it that way.

As an aunt or uncle when you take your nieces and nephews out you actually have fun yourself as well.

In my own case I don't expect any of my family to look after my DD. However as a lot of my siblings, their partner and their children actually like babies and small children so they will happily oblige and complain when they haven't. I've seen evidence of this before due to the jobs some of them do, the volunteer work some of them do and their interaction with neighbours, friends and acquaintances children.

I think the problem OP is you thought your siblings and their older children like babies and small children but this proves they don't. From now on just holiday and do things without them. When your children get to 12 or whatever age their older cousins will complain and ask why they don't have much interaction with them.

What I would have really loved was for my kids to have a trip to the beach with their cousins, and a couple of hours in the daytime for myself and my partner to go for a bit of a wander by ourselves.

that's ridiculous.

your kids are far too young to be left with their cousins on the beach, and it's unreasonable to expect others to give you free hours of babysitting.

The difference is also that there are 2 adults to look after your 2 children!

I think different people have different expectations of family holidays. With my in laws if we all holiday together we all kinda do our own thing. We might have some dinners together but otherwise we are often doing separate activities unless someone says asks to come along to something that someone else is doing. Eg: me, DP and kids might go to a market in the morning. Dp sister might ask if she can come along too. FIL might go for a walk and get a coffee and newspaper. MIL and GMIL might stay at the house for a lesuirely breakfast before MIL does a load of washing.

I don’t think I consider holidays with young children a holiday. I’ve had many of them, I totally sympathise. I found them gruelling. They are all about keeping the children happy so nothing kicks off. This is the first holiday ever where DH and I had alone time while eldest DC babysat. What we normally do is divide and conquer. One parent in other parent out with family and then switch.

Now I have older children and they have very different needs to younger children. I don’t know if I would be jumping for joy babysitting a sibling’s young kids on holidays. My DSis does it for her SIL and resents it a lot. Personally I’d be happy to help out on practical stuff like cooking and cleaning but I would want parents to be dealing with their own kids while I managed my own. As you will find out in the longer term teens and older kids have their own challenges on holidays too.

I think you handled that well, OP. I don't think "letting rip" would have done any good or made you happier.

I do think, as others have said, that it's different helping out with nephews and nieces when you're childfree as opposed to having your own, albeit fairly independent-aged children. It's their holiday too and they probably want to spend it with their own kids, doing the more adventurous stuff they couldn't have when theirs were your kids' ages. I'm sure it doesn't feel fair, but it's part and parcel of your particular family set-up.

It was crappy that they arranged something that would exclude you without giving you the heads up first. But if it's really something impossible for you to do with your kids, equally it seems unfair that everyone should go without.

I say this as someone who has just returned from holiday with a 2.5yo and a 1yo (and no family to help), and knows how exhausting it is to be in your situation. It won't last, of course. These are the trenches and you do just have to dig in and accept it for what it is.

you just sound bitter because you have no offers of help.

ODFOD. I’m not bitter. My mother is dead, my brother (local) can’t boil an egg, and MIL and our sisters all live hours away. I’m not bitter in the slightest. I’m just not a selfish, heartless prick.

i cannot comprehend having experienced something terribly hard and then watching someone you’re meant to care about it enduring it without help.

YWBU to let rip on the last day. Something to have discussed earlier in the holiday. Also to have asked for help from the adult family members rather than silently fuming (and just offering disinterested teenagers money).

Sorry you’ve had a crap holiday though

So what are you going to do with your day? Go and do something that you and your kids will enjoy, don't be in when they get back from their trip and don't let them see that it bothered you.

It's all pretty shitty if you have been the hands on auntie in the past and they haven't chipped in at all but unless they specifically said they would and you had discussed it before the holiday then it's just a miss understanding of expectations.

OP have you asked if anyone could look after your 2 DC for a couple of hours? What happened when the trip was organised for today, were you not part of the discussion?

What was the point of this family holiday, as you don’t seem to be spending much time together? To be fair I wouldn’t want to spend every hour together if I went on holiday with family or friends, but would assume there would be time together. As you have the younger children was it previously discussed how days would pan out as pre schoolers needs are completely different to teenagers. Much as teen DS is happy to help out, he wouldn’t be happy if the holiday was based solely round young children, but also the holiday should not have been centred round teens.

My sister refused to co-sleep with her kids and didnt want anyone else to either. That meant we were reluctant to babysit overnight as her baby used to start his day at 5am. If our kid woke up at 5am, we'd bring them in bed for a couple of hours. Especially on holiday.

I had an interesting conversation though with a soon-to-be mum who was shocked to learn that the day will be beginning at 7 for the foreseeable future.

Haven't read the full thread but, having done it once, this is why we don't go on holidays with family members whose kids are older, but instead go away with family members whose kids are at a similar stage to ours. Much easier. Just don't do this type of group holiday again and chalk this one up to experience.

You and dh could each take turns with dc so the other can go off with the others.

On these holidays in my sibling group each set of parents looks after their own unless there is a specific conversation e.g. tomorrow could you take my dc and o n Thursday I 'll take yours etc

Sounds very difficult OP, sounds like you had such different expectations from them. They should have repaid your kindness on previous holidays.

It does sound crap and they have been selfish. BUT you chose to spend time with your nieces/nephews. You didn’t have to, but you did so because you wanted to be helpful and involved. Unfortunately, your sisters don’t want to be involved and helpful. It really is their choice, but it sucks for you.
I’m a way, this kind of clarifies the situation that it’s just you and your partner on board during holiday time: you need to be giving each other 50/50 lies ins and breaks. Not the same as you don’t get any child free time together, but such is life with 2 small children and no family support.

Edthebear - it was an eye-opener, let's put it that way. But it made me realise that because my parents escaped a good 90% of the boring work that comes with raising a child (my two older half-brothers were raised by my mother's parents, then my 14-year-older oldest brother spent his mid-to-late-teen and early adult years helping to raise me, with my father's parents help, enabling my parents to not quite "get" what small children need), they were genuinely clueless as to why my children (and I) didn't appreciate following their idea of what a good holiday entails.

My children and I like to explore; to wander along beaches, to visit castles, to eat local cuisine, to soak in the culture of where we are. Not live the ex-pat life and end up in a place that is, essentially, the same place we live in, just a heck of a lot hotter...

I actually have my 12 year old nephew (oldest brother's child) here at the moment so that his mum and dad can go off on holiday as a couple. Last summer, they had my 14 year old whilst I recovered from a bad fall, so that I wasn't rushing around trying to make sure he was okay whilst I was on crutches (and accident-prone even without the added stick factor). That's what families do. Help out. Look after the younger members of it, as/when/if needed... just because they're family. He's spent the last couple of days being taken out swimming and the cinema with my son and his friends, and bonding with his cousin over video games (which I confess to not understanding in the slightest). He knows our door is always open to him, as my 14 year old knows his uncle and aunt's door is always open to him. My parents (who haven't seen my youngest, let alone my nephew, in a long while), haven't suggested spending any time with him - because they can't be arsed to. Their loss. The fact that nephew lives pretty much the opposite end of the country to us, and my son lives 5 minutes away from them...? Their. Loss. Not. Ours.

I should have known better about going on holiday with my parents, though. I was mid-30s at the time - and the last time I'd gone on holiday with them? I was 14. I spent almost a month by myself, with a gang of local kids, cycling and being driven around a Greek island and having the time of my life. But I was a child. 14 years old. They should have known where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. They didn't. They still don't. Their recollection of the holiday? I spent it sat in the villa playing cards with them... which I did on the first afternoon. After that? Nope. I was off exploring. Oldest brother was almost incandescent when I told him what had happened (as I would be, as a parent, upon hearing if either of my two had spent a holiday as I did that year! I was so fortunate in that nothing bad happened to me... because I'd never met these local kids beforehand! It's not like they were the kids of family friends, or even related to me!). So it's my fault. I should have known. But I stupidly thought that as my children were involved, as a trip to the zoo and the beach had been promised to them... it would be different. It wasn't.

Don’t think you can expect them to babysit (although it would be nice of them to do that seeing as you have always helped them, so I do understand why you feel annoyed) but as for booking the trip- that’s really mean and selfish!! ..But saying that, if I were you I would just try and enjoy your last day, causing bad feelings probably won’t make you feel any better. Just try and make some nice family memories with your little ones xx

My sister refused to co-sleep with her kids and didnt want anyone else to either. That meant we were reluctant to babysit overnight as her baby used to start his day at 5am. If our kid woke up at 5am, we'd bring them in bed for a couple of hours. Especially on holiday.
Good for you. Some kids won’t lie down in your bed, my two won’t - if they’re awake, they’re awake. Bringing them into bed won’t work at all, and it has nothing to do with co-sleeping.

And if this were me, I’d happily get up at 5am once if someone I cared about was having to do it every single day and needed a break.

I had an interesting conversation though with a soon-to-be mum who was shocked to learn that the day will be beginning at 7 for the foreseeable future.
Bollocks. I don’t believe any pregnant woman is unaware that they’ll be up before 7 every day. I wish my days began at 7!

Slight derailing, but not everyone needs to be up at dawn.

My toddlers use to wake up around 9am, it's having to send them to nursery early that forced them to get up earlier.
I never put my kids to bed at 6 or 7pm though. 🤷

This always boils down to we ask they accepted in the past...
Now instead of wait for offers you need to speak up and ask....
Can you have the children and give us a few hours, joke and laugh. Say oh come on did it for you....

Something else to add: these kids are nearly 2 and 4. It seems like they don't see these family members very often. Taking 2 children who aren't very attached to you at those ages is different to looking after my sister's child who I see and/or look after several times a week. It's all these things that have meant this isn't a "village" environment. You have to create the village here because the villages were purposefully destroyed to aid capitalism. Hence why you can't pay your mother for childcare even though it will cost her money to provide it. But that's political stuff.

Your communities have strayed so far from the extended family that you become strangers.

What have I said that suggests I’m unhappy or unbalanced? Because I say I can’t comprehend selfishness?

SinkGirl
your need to swear at other people who don't act as you judge they should is a good start...