Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

Oh, and we have no offers of help - it’s not that we are inundated with offers so I don’t need to ask.

I still wouldn’t watch someone I care about barely functioning and not lift a finger to help, and I especially wouldn’t sit back and watch and make snide comments.

People are vile sometimes, many of them are here.

I think your expectations are unrealistic apart form the trips out - I do think they sould of tried to do things to include everyone or at least spoken to you about it and asked if you wanted to come.

I'm not sure saying anything will impove the situation - though you'd know you family best. I woudld refused to do holidays like this in furture.

In furture I'd suggest a place more set up for kids like Butlins or resort with kids clubs and expect to be a bit worn out rather than relaxed till the kids are older.

BertrandRussell, why would you "expect" your 16 yo to look after someone else's small children on his holiday?
If you think that it's the duty of someone else to look after the OPs children, you do it!

Never mind the fact that having a 16 yo kid care for small children in or around water is a foolish idea.

“I don't think it's fair, practicable or even particularly safe to ask teens to look after children that are too difficult for their own two parents to manage.”

What bollocks! There is no suggestion the children are difficult. And if I raised a 16 year old who couldn’t/wouldn’t entertain their little cousins for an hour every now and again I would think I’d done a pretty crap job of raising him/her to be honest.

SinkGirl
you just sound bitter because you have no offers of help.
When people are busy with their own kids, they have enough on their plate. Again, did the OP offer to babysit for the others?

Also, no idea if the family is unreasonable or taking care of food shopping, cooking, cleaning whilst giving the OP a break and leaving her with her kids in peace.

There is no suggestion the children are difficult

They are not sleeping, they are cranky and the OP and her husband are on their knees. That sounds difficult to me.

“BertrandRussell, why would you "expect" your 16 yo to look after someone else's small children on his holiday?
If you think that it's the duty of someone else to look after the OPs children, you do it! ”
It’s not a random stranger’s child. It’s his cousin. And yes, I would look after my siblings children for a bit in these circumstances. But I would also expect my 16 year of to do a bit too. Because that’s how families should operate. Give and take. Kindness. Looking out for each other.

@SinkGirl who made snide comments?!

I think you should see that you have a partner with you,if your both so tired why have you not been asking THEM to give you some quiet time, they are in this with you.
Then you could have got some rest.
You can't blame people if you don't actually ask, and we took children to places where a pram couldn't go, and there are enough adults you could have asked to help carry the toddler.
When we blame others and have a go it never ends well, as most simply state the truth .. You never asked.....

I’m not sure why anyone should be expected to offer to help.

I’d be busy running around after my own three why would I want to add another two onto that? If I wanted to be a childminder I would be and even then I would be entitled to holidays.

We have been years without having even a meal out alone before because our children are our responsibility and I don’t like or want to ask people to look after them so nope I wouldn’t be offering either. We fitted in couple time during school or preschool hours.

I wouldn’t trust a 16 year old to look after my toddler by the sea or pool regardless. They could have gone though lifeguard training via swimming lessons and it still would not be happening. Plus it’s their holiday too and will of been gcse year they deserve a rest.

The baby and toddler by the sounds of it have likely been keeping people up and waking people up. Not much goodwill will of been created.

Another consideration for the parents of the older teens. They are probably keen for their kids to enjoy because if they don't they will reject the idea of a family holiday next year - I'll stay home mum and have an "empty"!

But they have considered your needs on this holiday. They've booked somewhere where you all can chill round a pool and where you can put the children to bed and sit with the rest of the family and have a drink if you want. Surely this kind of big family holiday only works if people do their own thing to suit their needs of their family during the day and meet up for meals at night, with a few joint excursions for those that want to go? You can't all be joined at the hip all the time. From what I remember, trips to the beach with two tiniest kids is not fun! Loads to carry, toddler patience runs out quickly so you end up carrying it all back fairly soon. Plus if your children have been keeping you awake the chances are they've been keeping everyone else awake too, so your time at the beach has probably been their chance to relax. It sounds as though your children might have been a little hard work - they may not feel up to looking after overtired toddlers. They DID look after your children one night so you could go out (and it sounds like you chose to go off without the others when you got the chance.. As for the trip to visit the non child friendly attraction that you'd love to visit, it's difficult - should they all miss out on something really special nearby because you have children? Is that fair either? Could you tell them you'd really love to come too - could each of you spend an hour with the kids while the other rushes off and does some sight seeing?

I think don't let rip. It's their holiday too. They've not come solely to give you and dp a break.. Your holidays will get easier as the children get older (with or without your extended family).

I personally think YABU. They are your children so why should other people pick up the slack for you not wanting to be a parent?

It sounds like you only did the nice things for your niece and nephews to expect your siblings to help you out when the time came. It shouldn't be tit for tat.

If you 'let rip' then I think that speaks volumes on your part. there's clearly a reason why you've not been invited to do activities with the family. It sounds like your miserable and people don't want to be dragged down.

Did you discuss arrangements beforehand? Surely you and your dp could manage your dc between you, take turns to nap and catch up on sleep, and stay in. Yabu I'm afraid, it sounds as if you booked expecting it to be an easier break than on your own but you can only expect so much compromise as it is their holiday too. Holidaying with such an age range would inevitably mean separate interests and trips.

Your family have been mean and thoughtless and I'm not surprised you're on your knees and utterly fed up. I would be too in your shoes, particularly as you were so helpful to your sisters when they had young DC. I can't understand why they invited you to go along on this holiday if they didn't actually want to include you in their days out.

However, my attitude to my own DC has always been that they are mine and DH's responsibility. I've never expected any help from anyone. They are ours, 100% of the time, and any help is a bonus. We've always lived too far from family to get much help and over the years help has been thin on the ground, but I never felt resentment, because I never expected it. We chose to have these DC and therefore it's up to us to manage them. Posts on MN or gripes in RL about 'lack of help and support' always make me think one thing, which is this: they're your kids and if you can't manage them then you shouldn't have had them!

So no, don't let rip. Understand that this is your family's holiday and that doesn't, unfortunately for you, include babysitting your very young and hard-work DC. Next time, it really is up to you to decide how best to give yourselves a break - and maybe that includes taking a nanny or au pair on holiday with you so you and your DH can rest and sleep, if that's what you want to do. Young DC wake early, the wake in the night, they're exhausting. Welcome to parenthood!

It’s a choice to have children and a known that they need looking after and providing for. No one else is responsible for looking after them just because they are family and if you “let rip” that one nights childcare wasn’t enough you would get it back in return.

Have you actually asked for help?

It’s everyones holiday, not just yours - if there’s something they are excited do nearby would really want them to miss out?

It seems to me the main problem is that they left you out of the discussion about how to spend your last day. That was hurtful, and I would leave it a couple of weeks before having a chat with your parents. As for the rest, it seems to me that you and your husband should have been helping each other. I know that when my ex-husband and I were taking our children and foster children on holiday in our touring caravan (7 children aged 6 weeks to 10 years on one occasion), we would help each other out. Take it in turns to do night feeds of the foster baby, then allow the other person to go back for a lie down if they'd been up in the night. Taking it in turns to get up and do breakfasts, and to do the bedtime routines. It sounds like you'll need a holiday to get over your holiday now!

If they give no support at home, they're not going to be any different on holiday.

True know one else apart from you has responsibility to look after your kids.

However.

Family is meant to care and support each other.

Who wouldn't want to give a bit of support ?

Why would you go on a family holiday with a younger family if you didn't want to spend time with them ?

Some very odd responses on here. All I can imagine is that those really negative responses are from people who also wouldn't help their own family.

I would have a chat when you're calmer about your feelings. But not whilst you're wound up.

In my family, while on holiday, my siblings often directed their kids to my room when they woke up at ridiculous o’clock. On several occasions I actually woke up to find a baby next to me or pulling my hair - DH and I would brush their teeth, bathe them, feed them breakfast, and take them out. I even took care of my DNs normally - having them live with me for months when siblings couldn’t cope. Now I’m pregnant I am expecting similar during holidays from them (the other stuff doesn’t matter) and will get it because I’m not one to keep quiet for politeness’ sake.

I'd say you need to do some serious sleep training if you're still getting up to a 4 year old and a 20 month old...................

The rest of your family have been there, done that and are enjoying their holiday and a bit more freedom from older kids. I think you need to lower your expectations a bit, and stop helping others that don't reciprocate it.

Did you discuss what would happen on holiday when you booked it? As there is such a wide range of ages of children, were there suitable activities for everyone.

With respect to teens helping out we were travelling the other week and called in on an old school friend on the way home. I asked teen DS if he minded playing with their younger child, whilst the adults chatted and had a catch up. DS was quite happy to do this. As long as you aren't expecting the teens to help out all the time or the children are particularly challenging (if young child didn't listen to them I wouldn't be expecting them to monitor pool time, for example) I can't see the problem.

I think it depends on perspective too. I don’t know you op so I’m not presuming that you’re the same as my awful ex SIL. But we went on a family holiday: my parents, my husband and kids, my brother and his wife and their kids. It was a uk beach holiday and we did everything together every day (she knew the score before we went) but she absolutely let rip on the last day at all of us that nobody had offered to look after the kids, she’d had no alone time, she was disappointed none of us had mucked in. We were speechless. My parents had taken her kids off to do things every now and then, our kids were younger than hers so we were dealing with them, it was an everyone muck in together hol not a bloody spa break. She spoilt the holiday with her bad attitude and snide remarks all week and then going mad at my mum at the end was, I thought, unforgivably. There is many reasons she’s an ex SIL and that’s just one!

Looks like a split vote. See here's the thing. We have been the type of family that pitches in. I even went on a package holiday with my sister and her two kids after she split with her husband. That was entirely for her benefit. It just looks like it was one way traffic.

I made it v clear before we went away that I was cashing in my chips. I don't think my expectations were too high. What I would have really loved was for my kids to have a trip to the beach with their cousins, and a couple of hours in the daytime for myself and my partner to go for a bit of a wander by ourselves. That's pretty much it.

I have a sling but the day trip is very mountainous and it is v hot here, which I don't cope with too well, so hefting a 20 month old probably not a good idea. Already got a bit fainty.

My sister asked me pretty sheepishly if I was ok before they all left. I didn't bite, just said I found the holiday tough. I am not going to say anything, but I will certainly not be extending myself again any time soon.