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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

509 replies

Belleende · 26/07/2019 07:14

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/07/2019 09:28

OP,

That sounds like a very hard holiday.

I think it is very mean of your siblings to not offer to help you.

I certainly don't think it's too much to ask for the teens to take the two children out for a walk so you could sit and put your feet up for a bit.

Considering how much you say you've helped them over the years, I also would be extremely pissed off.

Clearly they have very short memories.

I wouldn't get into it with them but I most certainly would not be available to help them out again.

Put it down to experience.

They don't sound very nice.

I don't think you are unreasonable to hope that they could see how wrecked you are and that they might have offered some help.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 26/07/2019 09:29

IheartNiles

well, did the OP offer to babysit her older nephews for the siblings to go out? We don't know that.
Is the OP doing her share of the cooking whilst carrying her baby? We don't know that.

have they ask for help, has her DH taken the kids for a few hours to let the OP nap to recover after a sleepless night? We don't know that.

It's a bit childish to start insulting other posters when no one knows how the holiday is set up, and it's very unreasonable to expect other parents to babysit when they have their own kids to deal with - or they just want to enjoy the holiday.

The not being invited to outing is not clear - it sounds mean and rude, but a bit of details would help.

Does the OP make it sound she was expecting to have hours to rest without looking after her kids? A little bit

FrenchBoule · 26/07/2019 09:30

@InsideNumber10 kicking somebody who’s already on their knees? Not nice. OP has helped lots with her nieces/nephews in the past.

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 09:30

I’ve done my time living on edge for every little accident that might happen and frankly I’m glad to be out of it. It would have to be a special occasion or emergency for me to want to go back to it by offering off my own back.

I honestly can’t get my head round some people.

I know what it’s like to live this way too so I couldn’t sit back and watch someone I love surviving on no sleep and barely able to function while I have a jolly old time.

Some people are just really bloody selfish OP.

Seeleyboo · 26/07/2019 09:31

I tend to find that the more people around they tend to help less in looking after the kids. I have this issue. We could have 15 of us and not one will look out for the kids or give us a hand. Boils my blood. Let rip OP.

SVRT19674 · 26/07/2019 09:32

YNBU. It's a family holiday. On our family holidays we all chipped in, so no one was left behind and everyone got what they needed. As responsabilities were shared, everything was so much easier. I'm afraid, your family does not have family spirit. They seem individuals who happen to be blood related. We used to be 31, adults and kids on Xmas hols for example.

Sonicknuckles · 26/07/2019 09:32

Doesn't matter about the age difference, it's only polite to choose somewhere where there is something for everyone

probstimeforanewname · 26/07/2019 09:33

I think it's unreasonable to expect teens to babysit their small cousins unless you are willing to pay them - not their kids, nothing to do with them. My 16 year old might be persuaded to take a 4 year old to the beach for half an hour, but that would be it I'm afraid, and I probably wouldn't have even done that at 16, he's a lot better with kids than I am because we went to a childminder for years.

probstimeforanewname · 26/07/2019 09:34

he not we!

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 09:35

I’m remembering this now though, as we’re getting a bit more rest from the relentlessness of parenting young children. I have zero intention of helping out BIL, SIL and SIL with their DC. I’m happy to kick back with a hot coffee or a G&T and let them manage/balance their own tiny ones whilst we chill out and relax.

I may even add in a few comments like “oh, yes, it’s tough, I remember feeling like that, soon I’m sure you’ll get some sleep, they do grow up, enjoy it whilst they’re little” 😂

Thank goodness I have MN to remind me that such a large proportion of the population are awful.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 26/07/2019 09:38

SinkGirl

what's amazing is the sense of entitlement from some posters!

finn1020 · 26/07/2019 09:39

It would be lovely if they helped, but I do think you’re being just a bit unreasonable. As a group you all have different expectations for what your holiday involves, and the different kid ages make the mix difficult or even incompatible.

I’ve been there done the sleepless busy stuff with kids who are now teens. My sister has a teen daughter and an 18 month old boy and if we holidayed together although my nephew is great I would NOT want to have to look after him. It was different when mine were little and I added her firstborn to my mix but I’m over those days and I certainly don’t want my precious holiday time babysitting. I WOULD if she asked me, but it would not be regular on my holiday, because it’s my holiday and if babysitting and listening to kids disrupt my sleep at night and wake me too early every morning then really I’d rather not be holidaying with them. Your family might also be finding they have forgotten how full on little kids are, and this may be impacting their own enjoyment of their holiday too.

Plus you AND your husband are there, why can’t you tag team and if you’re very sleep deprived then he takes them somewhere for half a day while you sleep, etc. Heaps of people are single parents but there are two of you. Why isn’t he doing this when you’ve had two sleepless nights, isn’t he capable of parenting on his own?

Also, sometimes the family mix is not compatible for certain activities together - it sounds like the sort of holiday you’d like to have with little kids is not the same as one they’d have with older kids and teens. I also don’t think it is unreasonable of them to have booked an activity on the last day (that you said you can’t do). I really can’t think of anything that I did with kids under about 8 years that teens would want to do too. Sorry OP and I hope you have a better holiday when they’re older. Little kids can be hard work.

Zenithbear · 26/07/2019 09:41

My parents did this but booked a trip for the younger grand kids and left my dc and older nephew out even though they would've enjoyed it.
Otherwise it's their holiday and they should do as they please etc however you'd think they might occasionally want to do stuff with the younger ones.

BertrandRussell · 26/07/2019 09:41

You know what? I’d expect my 16 year old to join in as part of the family in holiday just as much As I do at home. We’re not talking heavy duty child care here! Just stuff like taking the children for a walk so their parents can finish their meal in peace. Offering to walk round with the pushchair to get the baby to sleep. Playing with the 4 year old in the pool for half an hour. You know- the sort of thing kind people do for each other.

Teddybear45 · 26/07/2019 09:42

You helped your siblings. They are being selfish cunts for not even considering your needs on this holiday. I would suggest you don’t help them at all going forwards. Don’t drop their kids back from the airport (let them pay for a taxi) and next time they ask for help laugh in their faces and mention this holiday.

Waveysnail · 26/07/2019 09:42

So have you been going to beach everyday while they hang out at the pool?

Dieu · 26/07/2019 09:43

That's really crap for you, OP Thanks

growlingbear · 26/07/2019 09:44

God this sounds familiar. You poor thing OP. I went one one family holiday - similar set up. DH didn't come so I was on my own with two toddlers, one of whom was SEN with severe gastric problems. One night my parents finally offered to babysit so I could go to the pub with DSis and Dbro and their partners. But no one offered to help me put my two to bed. By the time I'd settled them, everyone had pissed off as they'd decided I'd been so long I probably didn't want to come. I'd been mopping up puke (a daily occurrence not a sign DS had a virus) and changing their clothes and beds and tucking them in and doing lullabies. No help. Zero interest. Never again.

growlingbear · 26/07/2019 09:45

Oh and like you, I'd been the good childless aunt, picking kids up from school, having them stay for the weekend, babysitting while DSiL was in labour. But no help when it was my turn.

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 26/07/2019 09:45

I’d expect my 16 year old to join in as part of the family in holiday just as much As I do at home.

how do you know they are not already helping with the older kids? There's more than 1 child on this holiday.

Pinkprincess1978 · 26/07/2019 09:47

This day trip is something you would dearly lovely to do so presumably it's also something your family would dearly love to do too. So why should they all
Odd out because YOUR children are too small to go? They had many years of missing out on activities when their children
were small so now it's their turn to take part.

They gave you one evening out which I think is reasonable on a weeks holiday. They could perhaps have offered to watch yours for an hour or two occasionally so you could have a nap if you are that tired but to be fair, you have your husband so could do that for each other - and maybe if your kids had you both up a lot they have maybe disturbed your families sleep too so they might not be up for taking care of them.

I don't think you should 'let rip' on them. That would be unfair and if you are as tired as you say you won't phrase things in the same way.

After you return you could say you were disappointed you didn't all get to spend more time doing activities together which could be fair enough. It's difficult to spend time doing the same thing with so much range in ages of kids.

IvanaPee · 26/07/2019 09:50

@Belleende I know you’re tired but I would be careful here.

Reading your subsequent posts you haven’t actually been left out of anything that they’ve all done together, except this one day trip.

Re: the babysitting. Have they all been going for meals every evening and leaving you behind? Because if not; again, I’m not seeing the massive issue.

Regarding the trip...would you even want to bring a toddler and a small child somewhere that’s not buggy friendly? In a hot country?

I do think they should have asked you!

Fairenuff · 26/07/2019 09:51

I don't think it's fair, practicable or even particularly safe to ask teens to look after children that are too difficult for their own two parents to manage.

OP I would not say anything but also not agree to any more family holidays because the age gap will always be there and your collective needs are too diverse.

Just do your own holiday next time with just the 4 of your and you can make sure that everything fits around the needs of your young children.

SinkGirl · 26/07/2019 09:59

what's amazing is the sense of entitlement from some posters!

Bollocks. I have no sense of entitlement. I’ve never asked anyone for their help with our twins, never asked anyone to babysit. Have DH’s 40th and our wedding anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks, and mine a couple of weeks ago, and haven’t asked or expected anyone to help.

What I do know is that I would (and do) go out of my way to help others because I give a shit about other people and I’m not only worried about myself.

1wokeuplikethis · 26/07/2019 10:00

Families are so weird.

I can’t grasp why they would all go and do things and book excursions without mentioning it to you both. Obv you don’t need to be in each other’s pockets all holiday but that is a total lack of communication.

I have one side of family who talks and communicates and the other side is the absolute opposite and it would drive me crazy...I definitely would not go on holiday with them. But if I did, I’d have a fair idea beforehand that they wouldn’t muck in. Did you not talk about it before going away?